This week on Twitter (5/10 – 5/17)

This week on Twitter (5/10 – 5/17). Yeah, I know, it’s already July 24th, but I’ve got lots of catching up to do because I’m lazy as fuck but now and then get a bug up my ass to get my shit caught up.

5/10

Couldn’t light the candles because I don’t have a lighter in the house: ah, the joys of being a non-smoker now.

5/11

In the last 60 sec’s, Americans ate 27,000 hot dogs. Yep, dogs truly are man’s best friend.

Trending on Twitter now: “#HowToBlendInWithWhitePeople” – Somehow I don’t think that’s gonna be good for any color.

5/12

The new show “Ultimate Survivor: Alaska” is about not getting an STD, right?

5/14

So how is #AngelinaJolie supposed to film Salt II without her shakers?

Universal Studios has just announced that #AngelinaJolie will be starring in “Boob, Interrupted” followed by “Fuck Cancer!” #GoGirl

Taken 3: Bryan Mills on the phone with #AngelinaJolie ‘s breasts, “The next part is very important. They’re going to take you.”

#IfLilWaynesARapper then #AngelinaJolie is breastfeeding babies. #TooSoon

The Six-Fingered Man is participating in the #MarchAgainstMonsanto because Monsanto killed his father. Vicious cycle.

5/15

What irritates me most about the IRS scandal? It’s put Tea Party spokesidiots back on news shows. Thanks IRS.

5/16

I’m going to change my middle name to “TeaParty” so it takes the #IRS longer to realize I owe them money.