BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

BWAHAHA: 1/4 – 1/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/4 – 1/10: This was mostly a boring week for me. I was able to finally get to an Open Mic locally after a four month hiatus. It was great getting back in front of an audience, even if three quarters of them were drunk and not paying attention to me at all.

1/4

If I ever get married again, this is what I want her to be doing when we are 75.

1/5

Police: To Protect and To SERVE!

Why Bugs Bunny didn’t make the left turn at Albuquerque.

Some people are living the GTA5 life away from their gaming console.

1/6

Paranormal Activity 6: Spongebob Scarypants

The problem with putting on a sweatshirt out of the dryer is it makes you realize how cold the rest of your body is.

Judgment Day is every day for me: I judge people for their stupid beliefs at least three or four times a day.

Football is the only thing in Alabama drawing bigger crowds than church or KKK rallies, though it’s hard to separate those two things.

1/7

Oh, Santa finally delivered my gift!

Having used up all the oil from dinosaurs, oil companies are tapping a new resource…

Using any petroleum-based lubricant for sex/masturbation is technically necrophilia.

Sweatshirt: check. Spring Jacket: check. Winter coat: umm… errr… umm… Fuck, I don’t own a winter jacket.

I feel bad for the woman standing next to me. It’s so cold that her frost indicators fell off.

Apparently, Honey got a Boo Boo.

I used ghost pepper flakes in my sausage: I’m actually kinda scared to take a bite.

1/8

Some men have a problem with butterface women, but I have a problem with butterfaith women.

Annie was an embarrassed millionaire until she met Daddy Warbucks. #RepublicanPropagandaFilms

Sometimes I think humans are descended from Homo Aspergensis.

Here, let me get that for you.

New video, Librarians Gone Wild.

Must be a Chik-Fil-A parking lot.

Overheard at the bar, “Get your stories straight or this conversation is over.” Damn pushy bartender.

1/9

Life: “Oh, you saved a bit of money to do something fun for yourself? Yeah, I’m gonna kill your car battery. Oh, and that battery is going to cost more than you saved up.”

The cat wants desperately inside my house… so it can ask to go back outside two minutes later. Fuck him, he’s a long-haired cat with a massive winter coat. He’ll be just fine. Well, c’mon, he survived the last two nights in teen temperatures and tonight’s going to be in the mid-thirties. He’s fine.

1/10

Just listened to the new John Denver song, “West Virginia Rivers.” It really stunk.

A woman on Lulu hashtagged me as #DoesntKnowIExist. Well yeah, because I’m not a psychic! You gotta tell me!

So a friend of mine posted this picture:

Here are my replies to this picture:
Step three feet back and grab my shotgun: fully loaded and one in the chamber. Just have to push the safety button, conveniently located right next to the trigger.
Stop taking hallucinogens.
Call the dog catcher.
Tell my girlfriend to go back downstairs.
Start doing an Irish jig… werewolves hate that shit!
Reconsider my decision to go back to Plenty of Fish for dating.
Throw the person in the wheelchair down the stairs: it’s food for the werewolf and an obstacle for it to get over… giving me time to escape.
Remind my girlfriend, once again, that I asked her to shave.
Decide to put my kid back on Ritalin.
Throw the underwear I just had to change down the stairs.
Stand in front of a mirror and say, “Van Helsing, Van Helsing, Van Helsing.” I hear that works just like Candyman and Beetlejuice.
Turn to my friends and ask, “Okay, which one of you pissed off Chewbacca?”
Accept my fate and yell, “It’s shredding time!”
Call Corey Haim and Gary Busey: they killed a werewolf once.
I knew Jazzercise would come in handy one day! Cardio… cardio… cardio…

BWAHAHA: 10/19 – 10/25

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/19 – 10/25: Getting closer to Halloween when all the kids empty into the streets to take candy from a stranger: you know, something we tell our kids not to do the rest of the year. Around my house there is no trick-or-treating. My area has been taken over by Trunk-Or-Treat, the Christian answer to the Satan’s holiday. I find that more dangerous than taking candy from a stranger… but that’s just me.

10/19

I should put this sign on the front door of my house.

I’ve decided that dating is a lot like buying electronic devices.

Hot chocolate, French Vanilla creamer, and walnut brownie milkshake. Just because.

10/20

If Republicans want regulations on the vagina, then shouldn’t they put the EPA in charge of it?

10/21

I’m going to open up an automobile repair shop and call it The Carmacy.

To fuck conspiracy theorists, I’m going to open up a pharmacy and call it Big Pharma-C.

When going up a hill, there’s this thing called gravity you have to overcome: SO PUSH THE ACCELERATOR!!!!

If you’re 80 and doing 45 in a 65 and scared by the cars passing you: you shouldn’t be driving.

If you stop 100 feet short of the white line at a red light: you have a depth perception problem and shouldn’t be driving.

You really shouldn’t stand behind me. I’ve been eating chorizo & huevos for three days straight.

Necrophilia: the desire to have sex with a Republican.

Because someone challenged me to do it. Oh yeah, MS Paint skills… still got ’em! LOL

And here is why that picture happened:

Blair Scott: “Although, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a shrimp’s head.”
Are we still talking about food or sex now?

JS: LMAO food!

Blair Scott: Thread derailment successful.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Take that G W Bush!

JS: bwahahaha
And unlike his, yours actually was accomplished! Good job!

Blair Scott: Now I just need a picture of me on a flight deck with my little shrimp head.

JS: ROTFLMAO!!! You could always use photoshop for that!
Go do it now. I wanna see it!!

“Crime of Passion” sounds like something your Dominatrix would accuse you of before spanking your ass.

10/22

Gotta stop playing so much #GTA, it’s affecting my real life! At least I have car and home owner’s insurance! http://fb.me/2htG6irAm

My Internet is down! Nooooooooooooooo!!! This is how Zombiepocalypse starts.

Oooh, she’s a real redhead. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?

Maybe the ACA lines wouldn’t be as busy if FOX reporters would stop calling it to test it.

Satan is just a horn in my side.

Gotta go to bed. I’m head-bobbing at my keyboard. The last time I did that I woke up with QWERTY on my cheek.

10/23

That helicopter was flying low enough that it shook my house. Thanks Obama!

Pepper Jack cheese in chili is awesome, but it does kinda make the chili look like vomit. Bon appétit!

Church in Alabama to raise 23-story cross. Six months from now we’ll all be speaking different languages again…. http://fb.me/1LIXLpplG

I know more atheists who converted to theism for a girlfriend than theology. Vagina: more powerful than gods.

I’d be more impressed with the KKK if they didn’t wear hoods. If you’re going to be a bigot, own up to that shit!

The firing range says I can’t use targets that depict humans. I guess I wasted that money on Miley Cyrus posters.

Agree to have sex with an entire up-and-coming band and #seetheworld for free!

I have my Be Secular shirt and Reason Rally hoodie on. I’m seculayered!

I keep hearing people talk about the plutocracy… but how is that possible since Pluto’s not a planet anymore?

Aimed for the trashcan, hit the side. Now there’s blueberry lemonade all over my kitchen floor. Thanks Obama!

10/24

I hereby pause the Internet for 8 hours while I sleep. That is all.

You know your sex life is bad when you have to give a Roofie to a blowup doll.

Critical Eye Podcast E039: Halloween Show with comedy guests Emery Emery, Mike Lee, and Pat O’Dude!

10/25

I’ve learned over the years that most cases of “FUCK YOU!” translate as, “I DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH!” Exceptions granted.

Sign I created for the Halloween Party.

Just sayin’…

So many parties…

100 Cigarettes Walk Into A Bar…

My aunt died in a ferocious penguin attack. That’s why I don’t watch Batman.

A prostitute asked me if I wanted to open Pandora’s Box. I was confused until she told me her name was Pandora.

As we drew closer I looked deep into the mosaic of your eyes. As they came into focus I realized I was looking at different colors of bullshit.

Relaxing to some Incubite! Well, maybe relaxing is the wrong word. Let’s just say my head’s flinging all over the place.