BWAHAHA 11/8 – 11/14:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/8 – 11/14: Mostly a slow week for me outside of work. That may have been because I spent all day and into the evenings with actual fucking work. My boss decided I needed another nine facilities to work on top of the massive one that’s still giving us fits. While I appreciate your confidence in my skills… FUCK OFF!

And don’t forget on 11/17 starting at 8 pm at Maggie Meyer’s Irish Pub in Huntsville, Alabama: It’s Carlos Valencia!!! Opening up for Carlos are myself, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate. This show is FREE!!!! Getting Carlos into Huntsville, Alabama is a major treat – so don’t miss out on this one. Get your ass down to Maggie Meyer’s on 11/17 for Carlos Valencia!

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OTHER STUFF:

  • It’s that time of year again… when I have to type the word “gifts” a lot. My brain thinks gifts, but it always types “figts.” #StupidBrain
  • Thank you Facebook, for finally making my dreams come true...

    Thank you Facebook, for finally making my dreams come true…

  • House just got hit with a couple of pretty good shock waves. No smoke. No fireballs. No sirens. #FuckingAliens
  • I almost had a heart attack as I think I’m $240 short… then I realize they still owe me $1,800. #SecondLooksSaveLives
  • We’re the only white people in a Korean restaurant. That means we chose correctly. #GreatEats
  • Thank you Internet, for teaching me how to use chopsticks in three seconds.
  • It’s too cold to wait for the crosswalk light. Cars have heaters: you can wait while I cross the street in the cold. #alwx #HSV
  • If this waitress’ yoga pants were any tighter, I could tell you how many eggs she had left in her ovaries.
  • Southern Comfort’s Vanilla Spice Egg Nog is at stores now…. so much for my diet.
  • It’s so cold outside, I got a brain freeze from breathing.
  • Any store that airs a Christmas commercial or puts up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving automatically loses my business. I get selling Christmas shit: there’s a good market for it, but you don’t have to put up the fucking Christmas trees and lights and you definitely don’t need to playing motherfucking Jingle Bells on your Muzak machine. So essentially… I won’t be shopping anywhere and will die of starvation, because every motherfucking store I go into is violating this rule. UGH!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

  • Eugene was playing with his book worm. #TheWalkingDead
  • Voyeurism is not a science. #NotAScientist #TheWalkingDead

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT

  • Mariah Heep Carey #RuinA90sBand @midnight #RuinA70sBandWhileYoureAtIt
  • Green Day-O (The Banana Boat Band) #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • Liberian ReFugees #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • Ice Cubism #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • Liz Phairomone #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • Korn Pops Cereal #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • The Flaming Hips Don’t Lie #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • YOLO La Tengo #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • Dammit, Janet! Jackson #RuinA90sBand @midnight
  • Camilla the Choked Chicken #RejectedMuppets @midnight
  • Floyd Red Hot Chili Pepper #RejectedMuppets @midnight
  • Honey Foo-Foo #RejectedMuppets @midnight
  • Marvin “Big Kaboom” Suggs #RejectedMuppets @midnight
  • Mickey Mooseknuckles #RejectedMuppets @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

WWIII in 5... 4... 3... 2....

WWIII in 5… 4… 3… 2….

 

As long as it's under adult supervision... it's just fine.

As long as it’s under adult supervision… it’s just fine.

 

You're not fooling anyone Doraville... that's not a rescue vehicle.

You’re not fooling anyone Doraville… that’s not a rescue vehicle.

 

Wait, shouldn't he be wearing a gerbil costume?

Wait, shouldn’t he be wearing a gerbil costume?

 

If men gave birth... what would that kinda look like?

If men gave birth… what would that kinda look like?

 

Down in Florida is a new trendy store for seniors called Hot Tropics.

Down in Florida is a new trendy store for seniors called Hot Tropics.

 

BREAKING NEWS: A FOX News Viewer allows us to view them in their bubble.

BREAKING NEWS: A FOX News Viewer allows us to view them in their bubble.

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BWAHAHA 11/1 – 11/7:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/1 – 11/7: How is it I went 43 years in life without ever encountering the different varieties of pumpkins? We get stuck with these silly orange ones every year, when there are a ton of creepier and better pumpkin species out there! The Jarrahdale, Marina de Chioggia, Queensland Blue, Old Boer White, Cotton Candy, etc are all creepier (or cooler) looking than the standard orange pumpkins. Thank you random fruit stand in Tennessee for introducing me to black, blue, white, gray, green, brown, beige, red, and so many swirls and patterns of pumpkins that I had never seen or encountered before.

I don’t watch the news anymore. But based on the posts of friends, I should probably be really fucking pissed right now. But I’m not, because I truly no longer give a shit. I have decided that people are going to continue to fuck themselves over and there’s not a damn thing I or anyone else can do about it. Rational people just don’t have the motivation for voter turnout because we don’t have the giant thrusting dildos of gods, gays, and guns up our asses. Nor do we have the stupid emotionality (yeah, I made that fucking word up, get over it) of anti-abortion, pro-creationism, pro-pray at every thing regardless of who you offend nonsense in us to motivate us to vote for people who take advantage of those very emotions, but in the long run fuck us over, but we’ll ignore it, because they hate gays and think global warming is fake like we do. So yep… let ’em fuck over the country and I’ll sit in my house and watch. And when they’re ready to join the adult world, where reality is kind of a thing, I’ll be ready to help.

Also, don’t forget to mark your calendars and come on out on November 17th at 8 pm to Maggie Meyers’ in Huntsville for awesome comedian Carlos Valencia! Opening up for Carlos is me, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with your host Matthew Tate. The show is FREE!!!!

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OTHER STUFF:

Marina de Chioggia & Old Boer White pumpkins we bought in Tennessee

Marina de Chioggia & Old Boer White pumpkins we bought in Tennessee

I’m pretty sure the guy in the hotel room adjacent to me has Ebola.

Didn’t use the heater in the car the entire time in Pennsylvania. Come home to Alabama, heater is on full heat. Brrrrrrr

Swingers’ clubs should expect an uptick after husbands convince their wives to “do it for their health.”

I had to mow the lawn before lunch in a jacket, hat, and gloves. Yes, the grass needed it. Bonus: no leaves to rake now. #alwx #HSV

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong. I’m searching on FOX News. They never lie. Ever. Not once. Not in a million years. Nope. Not FOX.

The dog was literally eating a piece of her own shit. A full piece, in her mouth, chomping on it. I think I’m going to vomit now.

My health insurance deductible is going up to $1,000. I never have $1,000. That means I no longer have health insurance.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Beth “Mean Joe” Greene #TheWalkingDead

I’ve never been asked to show my receipt when walking out of Walmart. #WhitePrivilege

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

Bud Lite Abbott #RuinAComedian @midnight

Kirstie Back Alley #RuinAComedian @midnight

‘Lil John Belushi #RuinAComedian @midnight

George Bush Burns #RuinAComedian @midnight

John Eye Candy #RuinAComedian @midnight

Charlie Manson Chaplin #RuinAComedian @midnight

Sacha Baron Münchhausen Cohen #RuinAComedian @midnight

Weird Al Yanksonit #RuinAComedian @midnight

Big Gulp Revolution #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Always Wear Shoes #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Gentrification Geriatrification Gangification #NYCIn3Words @midnight

It’s New Amsterdam! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Glacial Deposit Land #NYCIn3Words @midnight #BecauseSCIENCE

Sandy Blew Me #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Fucking 9/11 Tourists #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Parks Were Cemeteries #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Commuting’s A Bitch #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Einstein’s Eyeballs Here! #NYCIn3Words @midnight

Catcalling A Sport #NYCIn3Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Republican Fire Department

Republican Fire Department

"Who wants to come sit next to me? Barry? Gerry? Larry? Teri? C'mon, don't be shy boys!"

“Who wants to come sit next to me? Barry? Gerry? Larry? Teri? C’mon, don’t be shy boys!”

Here honey, let me get that for you...

Here honey, let me get that for you…

Wait, when did Pope Ratzinger have a kid?

Wait, when did Pope Ratzinger have a kid?