BWAHAHA 3/14 – 3/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/14 – 3/20: I had a really awesome birthday. I didn’t want a birthday party and just asked my friends to come over and play Karaoke Against Humanity with me. But they brought me presents and made it awesome anyway. I got plenty of hot stuff, some alcohol, and goodies, and I got this amazing handmade figurine of me made by my friend Cory. It’s fucking awesome (pic below)! What is Karaoke Against Humanity you ask? Well, you play Cards Against Humanity like normal, but the reader chooses the worst card (in addition to the winning card) and the person who played that card has to sing a random karaoke song to the rest of the players. The way I do it is I pick “songs everyone should know” based on several lists and compile them into a numbered file and then the loser has to pick a random number out of a bowl and sing that number. No one knows what you’re going to sing until it appears on the screen. Don’t know the song? Too fucking bad… just make that shit up.

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  My friend Cory made this for me for my birthday. The details are amazing, from my hanging wallet, to the EBM graphic tee, glasses, and my “gay Jesus stance.” Cory, I love ‘ya man!

• Caught a vendor selling fake gems at the Rock & Gem show. UGH, what a rock tease!

• 

  Good, now I can post this picture on Facebook without having to worry about being banned.

• The IRS mileage rate is now $0.575/mile. Might be time for a trip somewhere…
• 

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Osmosis: When you lose a couple of pounds listening to Marie Osmond talk about NutriSystem. #NewDefinitions
• I guess we got tired of just zombies getting killed and were like, let’s kill humans tonight. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬
• Only the good die young. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬ ‪#‎RIPNoah‬
• Interstellar would have been a better movie if the wormhole went to ‪#‎Poopiter‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  No one told Tigger that bouncing was illegal in Thailand. Tigger done bounced too far this time!

BWAHAHA 12/27 – 1/2:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/27 – 1/2: I was too busy enjoying the post-holidays to do jack this week. I ignored Twitter and television and just enjoyed my time with Suzie and my friends. I threw a New Year’s Eve party to ring in 2015 with my favorite people. We sang karaoke, drink alcohol, ate some goodies, and had a generally awesome time. I even got to do a bit of storm chasing!

2014 will certainly be missed, as it was a good year, but I’m looking forward to what 2015 brings to Suzie and I as we continue to grow together. So enjoy the tiny bit of shit I did this last week…

OTHER STUFF:

• 2 shots Whipped Cream Vodka, 1 shot Amaretto, 30 drops Frostbite Hot Sauce, fill rest of cup with lemonade. BAM! You’re welcome.
• Turn your keyboard upside down. Now shake it. A lot. Ewww…. you should do that more often.
• My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.
• Seen on Facebook, “And I highly doubt that it’s the sun that actually causes cancer.” I’m weeping for science education right now.
• While my keyboard is getting a bath and drying, my temporary keyboard is driving me crazy since I’m not used to the keys and layout.

BWAHAHA 11/15 – 11/21:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/15 – 11/21: Monday night, the 17th, was an epic night for me: in every sense of the word. I was given the privilege of opening up for NYC comedian Carlos Valencia right here in Huntsville, Alabama! Thanks so much to my co-openers Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig! Thanks to Matthew Tate for hosting the shit out of the show and for agreeing to bring in Carlos. Thanks to Carlos Valencia for swinging through and headlining and giving us the opportunity to open for him with an amazing crowd! Thank you to everyone who came out that night to the show and supported comedy. That was the most people I’ve ever seen in Maggie Meyer’s on a Monday night. At one point I’m pretty sure we were standing room only. It always feels good when people come up after a show and tell you how funny you were. So as a comic, Monday night was epic for the number of times that happened to me. It’s gratifying and it’s encouraging and it’s appreciated beyond words and measure. The epic continued into post-show open mic, encore by Carlos, and then a trip to Copper Top for karaoke where Carlos finished his Bon Jovi joke by singing Wanted Dead or Alive with a bunch of us comics doing back-up vocals from across the room. The epicness continued further as Carlos and I sat up until 5 am shooting the shit on my couch. Thanks again everyone!!!!

Huntsville comedy is doing a fundraiser so we can do more advertising and get the local scene to a new level. These awesome shirts are for sale! Buy one or two and help support local comedy and look good while doing it!

OTHER STUFF:

That moment where you hesitate: is my neighbor’s house burning down or is he burning leaves?

• It’s so cold outside, I got a brain freeze from breathing.
• I’m notorious for leaving my wallet at home. So I took pix of my DL, car/health ins. cards, AAA card, and company card to keep on my phone.
• After today, I decided that the overwhelming majority of men at yard sales are there by force, coercion, false promises, or manipulation.
• I just sang Enjoy the Silence ironically at karaoke. Now doing backup for Carlos Valencia doing Wanted Dead or Alive
• Trying new jokes tonight at Bootleg Comedy. Come watch me and other comics succeed or fail. If the jokes aren’t funny, you can at least laugh at us!
• I couldn’t do my sleepgasm joke tonight because the first comedian on stage did a sleepgasm joke. On the positive side, at least now I know I’m not the only person that’s happened to.
• I have my computer (playing Pandora) hooked up to my large ass speakers. I think my house is going to shake apart.
• Tip for Southerners from this once Northerner now living in the South: warm your jacket in the dryer before you head outside. Warm goodness!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

• “Only a white man would make a fire for everyone to see.” ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ Dances With Wolves version.
• “Oh, you’ll never ever know. The one who loved you so. Well, you don’t know me.” – Ray Charles ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬
• Become a St. Louis police officer. ‪#‎HowToGetAwayWithMurder‬
• Do it in a city with an overwhelmed and underpaid police force, like Detroit. ‪#‎HowToGetAwayWithMurder‬

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

• Ted Talks Bundy ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Ed Half-Geiner ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• The Light Stalker ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Atlanta Stripper ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Boston Terrier Wrangler ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• The O’Jays Back Stabbers ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Jack the Crippler ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Pugsy Beagle ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Billy the Toddler ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Bunny & Clydesdale ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
• Underoos Bomber ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Accept grammer… grammer is to hard four God. And of course their Alabama fans! Roll Tide for ‘Bama Educashun!

When walking the L.A. river, always carry a flotation device, because you never know when a flash flood will hit. The crazy thing is that I’m not sure which of the two is doing the walk of shame…

BWAHAHA: 11/2 – 11/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/2 – 11/8: This was a crazy party week for me. We played Karaoke Against Humanity, where you play around of Cards Against Humanity and after the winner is picked, the reader picks the worst card. The owner of the worst card then has to sing a random karaoke song. The songs were numbered instead of listed by artist/title. The loser picked a number out of a hat and then sang the corresponding song number. We thought it would be a small turnout, but we had 20+ people show up. It was a fucking blast and loads of laughs! Not to mention, I’m still emotionally distraught over Carol and Rick breaking up. Sigh…

11/2

C’mon Big Pharma! Make an anti-stupid pill already! There are soooooooo many people that have the stupid disease!

11/4

After reading the news I almost want to support Eugenics: then I realize we might accidentally kill smart people.

This program depicts highly trained professionals having sex. Do not attempt without getting paid for it.

11/6

Tonight I met a Latina from Brooklyn: she spoke with a Spanish & Brooklyn accent. I’ll call it Sprooklyn. It was cute.

Why did the tornado cross the road?
To kill the chicken.

When the Chinese invade America, most Americans will just think there’s a tornado on the way.

11/7

“Woman’s 16 cats consume her dead body to stay alive.” Suddenly I like cats a lot more.
“Be a Fancy Feast for homeless cats. All donations tax-deductible.”
“We have the purrrrrfect way to dispose of your body!”
I’d rather be eaten by ferocious penguins

An ophthalmologist’s office is a site for sore eyes. #ThatsSoPunny

11/8

The confirmation bias is strong with this one…

Ah, that time of year when you mow the leaves instead of the grass.

Once you’ve reached a high enough level that you can kill a Chimera in two seconds… kinds makes the game boring.

Friday night…
Just got paid…
All my money went to bills…
Ain’t gonna get laid…
(Someone asked me if one of my bills was for getting laid, to which I responded, “No, but maybe it should be. Hell, it’s gonna cost me dinner, movie, gas, and all that shit to take a woman out with no guarantee of sex and then throw in all the fucking strings and emotional bullshit roller-coaster fucktardidness that goes with dating… cheaper to get a hooker and none of that other bullshit to go with it.”)

Facebook wants to know if I want to meet a cougar. At my age, I’m scared to think about that. Then again…
I’m fat, bald, divorced, and 42: I’m not that picky anymore.
I was thinking the other day how many cougars I dated and had sex with when I was in high school. I should mention that I went to Canyon Springs High School, home of the Cougars.