BWAHAHA 7/18 – 11/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!

What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!

OTHER STUFF

  • Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
  • In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”
  • And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

    And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

  • Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie​ (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
  • My car is in The Chive today! Check out #19 on “That’ll Buff Out.”
  • Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

    Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

  • Teaching Suzie​ to play Skyrim was an adventure. Watching her play… well, let’s just say my stamina and patience bars ran dry.
  • I can’t wait until Obama’s fifth term when he FINALLY takes everyone’s guns, makes abortions mandatory, and outlaws Christianity!
  • Upstairs bathroom has a line of thirty people. I go downstairs. Only one in the bathroom. #Sheeple
  • @StateFarm asked me, “What kind of cake will they serve at your retirement?”
    • I’m pretty sure it’ll be a funeral cake. #LifeGoals
  • If you’re a bad dancer, just go to a Charismatic Church to dance: no one will notice how bad you are. #Camouflage
  • Never forget 911! It saves lives. Operators are standing by!
  • The irony of 9/11 Truthers is that they’re not.
  • Amazing how passive aggressive yard sale shoppers are. It’s $.50. Just buy the damn thing. LOL
  • I can't tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

    I can’t tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

  • The problem with listening to Industrial Music is having to constantly turn the radio off. Is that weird sound on the CD or your car?
  • I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

    I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

  • All future Presidential debates should not just have a moderator, but a fact-checker, who instantly calls candidates out on lies & bullshit.
  • My typehoes have ingreased exponinshooly as the peace of glaz stuck in my indicks fingrrrr gets moar and moar infecktid.
  • I shall power wash my sidewalk in the rain. That way I won’t notice the power washer is soaking me.
  • Wait, Woolworth's still exists?

    Wait, Woolworth’s still exists?

  • Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

    Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

  • I find it amusing that the Alabama Beverage Control has recipes on its web page and price list for stores. #StateSupportOfAlcoholism
  • Woman in line has clearly Googled herself to “expert” on Alzheimers and Dementia. Problem is, she’s completely full of shit.
  • We’ve all encountered this idiot in parking lots. Don’t be this idiot.
  • I learned today that the Japanese have a term similar to the American “Butterface:” Bakku-shan (pretty behind but not front) #ShallowWorld
  • You’d think that almost 45 years on the planet I’d have this pancake flipping thing down. Nope. I eat pancake-like bites. #DoingitWrong
  • At the Chinese Buffet my Godzilla roar ring tone sounds. Table next to me loses it laughing so hard. Racists; Godzilla was Japanese!
  • Damn, I think I put too much alcohol in the praline milkshake… nope… no I didn’t. Any amount is just right. #PreDebateDrinking
  • Just saw someone spell chasin’ as chasen. Awww, isn’t Alabama education so cute!
  • Dear creators of The Flash… visitation phones in prisons are recorded. The DOC knows who The Flash is.
  • The news reporting that a 3.5 occurred in California is like the news reporting that it rained in the Rain Forest. #SlowNewsDay
  • Overheard at Kroger, “Remember spitting the seeds out? Now watermelon is seedless. That’s unnatural.” #TheStupidItHurts
  • That might have been the fakest polite customer service rep I’ve ever talked to.
  • 6'2 fat man sleeping in a 4' Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

    6’2 fat man sleeping in a 4′ Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

  • Hello Austin! I’m here. First up, Whataburger!
  • Having a Whataburger two miles from the apartment may become problematic. #FirstWorldProblems #Austin
  • Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

    Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

  • CVS Rep: What’s your birthday?, Me: 3/12/71, CVS Rep: 1971?, Me: Umm…..
  • Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

    Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

  • The beginning of The Last Witch Hunter is scenes from The Lord of the Rings. Then you see a massive Groot.
  • Staff, “Would you like a complimentary Miller Lite?”
    • Me, “No thanks.”
    • GF, “Why not?
    • Me, “Free isn’t always good.”
  • Next time you make a cappuccino at home, add a teaspoon of Swiss Miss hot chocolate to it. BAM! You’re welcome.
  • Who's the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

    Who’s the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

  • What on earth is that yippy little fucking dog barking at all day? Is it a illegal to slip valium into the neighbor’s dog’s food?
  • Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

    Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

  • The Internet is abuzz about aliens out west because the Internet is too stupid to use Google for 2 minutes to learn it’s just a rocket. SMH
  • Is there a point where Thea Queen dies so she’ll stop being such an annoying character? #Arrow
  • When in uniform and someone wished me a Happy Veteran’s Day, I’d respond, “It’s Veteran’s Day not Active Duty Day. Go thank a homeless vet.”
  • We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit' can't tell me what to do no more!

    We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit’ can’t tell me what to do no more!

  • THE REFUGEE SITUATION:
    • Remember that time we refused to let the Irish in because of the chance one of them might be an IRA member? Fun times, right?
    • Remember that time the Colonies refused to allow any ships come in from England because one of the passengers might be a British spy? No?
    • Remember when we refused to allow refugees from Kosovo, Yugoslavia, and Macedonia in because one might be a bad person? Those were the days!
    • Remember that time we locked up all the Japanese citizens for fear of one being a spy? Oh wait… we actually did that shit. Never mind.
    • Remember all those Russian refugees and asylum seekers we denied entry because one might be a legit communist or Russian spy? No?
    • Remember all the dangerous Nazis we kept out, refusing to let them be part of the USA and we made sure they didn’t’ touch our space program?
    • Remember when we refused to pick up Vietnamese refugees at the embassy during the evacuation of Vietnam because one might be a commie?
    • Not allowing 10,000 refugees in as one might be a terrorist is like not having sex with 10,000 women as one might have an STD. #TerrorCondom

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

  • I think I’ll use my juicer to make a green juice of water hemlock, white snakeroot, and belladonna. #AllNatural #GreenLife #Organic
  • The problem with having sex with Irish women is you can’t tell if you had sex because of your pickup skills or a bit o’ luck.
  • The problem with having sex with American women is that they all think they’re #1 even though world travelers know otherwise.
  • The problem with having sex with Canadian women is that you have to carry an English condom and a French Tickler at all times.
  • The problem with having sex with Italian women is they like their noodles to be al dente.
  • The problem with having sex with Scottish women is many don’t think they’re strong enough to do the caber toss.
  • The problem with having sex with Greek women is they say they like plain yogurt, but they really don’t.
  • The problem with having sex with French women is they throw in the towel at the first pick up line.
  • The problem with having sex with Egyptian women is they try to get you in on their pyramid scheme.
  • The problem with having sex with Australian women is they make you nervous, but at least take you in and feed you breakfast.
  • The problem with having sex with South African women is they give preference to vanilla positions.
  • The problem with having sex with Icelandic women is is you think they’re Swedish Chef because all they talk about is, “Bjork, Bjork, Bjork.”
  • GOP DEBATE
    • So far, this feels more like a Jerry Springer show than a debate. #GOPDebate #Awkward #UnleadedACan
    • So far, there is a roughly 25% rate of actually answering the question. Masters of political avoidance answers. #GOPDebate
    • Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! #RepublicanMatingCall #GOPDebate
    • Scott Walker was like, “Oh shit, they asked me about #BlackLivesMatter”. Lemme give a BS answer quickly. #GOPDebate
    • Every candidate was like, “Thank God they asked the black guy the race relations question!” #GOPDebate
    • I’m greatly disappointed that FOX News did not give every candidate a chance to out-Jesus the other candidates. #GOPDebate
    • For the next question, how long would you be willing to suck Ronald Reagan ‘ dick? #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
    • They finally asked how long each candidate would suck Reagan’s dick! #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
  • Just seen: open top Jeep, large Confederate flag on PVC, John Deere hat on driver, blaring country music. #StereotypesAreReal
  • I hate chasing girls. I’d rather they just come to me. #TropicalStormEricka
  • I see stores are already putting up Happy Halloween signs. The War on Samhain continues! #ThereIsNoWarOnHolidays
  • FACEBOOK DOWN, POLITICS STYLE:
    • #FacebookDown is an inside job! #NeverForget928 #FacebookTruthers
    • “Don’t blame me for Facebook being down, I’m not in charge of that company!” – Carly Fiorina #FacebookDown
    • “We’ve heard about this #FacebookDown thing. Lots of people talking about it. We’re going to look into it. Build a wall.” – Donald Trump
    • “All those anti Kim Davis memes and gay pride profile pictures has led to #FacebookDown! Praise the White Jesus!” – Mike Huckabee
    • “Oh my bad, did I plan construction on the Facebook network today without notifying Facebook?” – Chris Christie #FacebookDown
    • “#FacebookDown is another piece of evidence pointing to why I’ll bomb Syria if elected.” – Lindsey Graham
    • “I’m not #FacebookDown. I’ve never been, I don’t associate with it, and I don’t approve of that lifestyle because of the Bible.” – Ted Cruz
    • “#FacebookDown is a complete coincidence to my personal email server being down at the same time.” – Hillary Clinton
  • THE WALKING DEAD:
    • Heard of that new horror movie, The Barber of Alexandria? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • At this pace there won’t be any original Alexandrians left for Rick’s to kill. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • I don’t think they have Herd Immunity. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead #ScienceJoke
    • Darth Vader is watching #TWD and was like, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • Zombies be like, “Mmm, Korean buffet!” #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • When is Morgan going to do the Crane Kick during his Karate Kid training montage? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • INJURE A FILM:
    • Citizen Cane #InjureAFilm
    • Lawrence of Arabies #InjureAFilm
    • Star Warts #InjureAFilm
    • Apoxalypse Now #InjureAFilm
    • Ataxia Driver #InjureAFilm
    • The Sound of Bruises #InjureAFilm
    • S*M*A*S*H #InjureAFilm
    • Close Encounters of the Third Degree Burn #InjureAFilm
    • Forrest Gimp #InjureAFilm
    • Ben-Hurt #InjureAFilm
    • Dances With Lupus #InjureAFilm
    • A Place in the Sunburn #InjureAFilm
    • E.T. The Extra Terroristrial #InjureAFilm

@MIDNIGHT HASHTAG WARS

  • Oh shit, the Condom broke! #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Are your parents having sex? #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Jar-Jar appears in Force Awakens #ScaryStoryIn5Words #StarWars @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

  • Always be aware of your surroundings.

    Always be aware of your surroundings.

  • 20150724a
  • This might very well be the loneliest picture I've ever seen.

    This might very well be the loneliest picture I’ve ever seen.

  • "Hey, y'all gonna still cut my hair, or what?"

    “Hey, y’all gonna still cut my hair, or what?”

  • There's Sea Doo... then there's Sea Don't.

    There’s Sea Doo… then there’s Sea Don’t.

  • Meanwhile in South Carolina...

    Meanwhile in South Carolina…

  • When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

    When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

  • "We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do."

    “We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do.”

  • Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

    Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

  • 20151104a
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BWAHAHA: 8/2 – 8/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/2 – 8/8: Well this week was horrible for my normal job, but at least I finally resolved the problems by the end of the week and was able to enjoy my weekend: date night with my girlfriend, got to see a play (Bare), games with friends, mowing the lawn (I consider that a relaxing event since I ride a John Deere mower), and playing some Skyrim. We saw Into the Storm, the new tornado disaster movie (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt). I wrote a review of the movie after seeing what I thought was some unfair criticism of the film. There’s plenty of legitimate criticisms of the film, there’s no reason to get unfair on it.

Okay, seriously, if you do not know the answer to something, then do not guess or make shit up. I read 76 comments of people guessing at what a spider was (pic posted by someone on a Facebook group) and only one guessed sort of right. Unfortunately, I’m not in the group, so I could not give this person the right answer. The spider was nephila clavipes and they are gorgeous (seriously, do a Google search for nephila clavipes). Oh, and what you call a banana spider IS NOT A FUCKING BANANA SPIDER! UGH! (BTW, this is an actual “banana spider:” Phoneutria fera)

OTHER STUFF

I hate when people guess when they don’t know. Just say, “I don’t know.” It’s OK. “I don’t know” is often a precursor to “Let’s find out!”

I made the mistake of wearing black to pick up the dog from the groomers. Now I have more hair than the dog.

The Happy Mondays were playing in the theater bathroom. The Happy Mondays! On the radio! In Huntsville, AL! Weird, yet awesome. And then to top it off, The Farm were playing inside the restaurant! Did Alabama suddenly discover music other than Top 40 crap and Country?

Going to see Into the Storm on Friday. Sure, I’ll cringe at some of the bad science, but I’m expecting to love the movie because, you know, it has tornadoes and shit in it.

My review of Into the Storm.

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The #ISS is moving at 17,144 MPH. Someone’s gonna get a speeding ticket when flying over Alabama! #CantDrive55

I feel like I should be watching CNN for over-dramatic coverage accompanied by scary graphics and music, but I’m resisting. #Iselle

Just saw two guys kissing on stage… And I didn’t get an erection, turn gay, or want to leave my girlfriend. #DisappointingGayAgenda

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Clingy Butt Hairs Not Included #ShartToys @midnight

Power Through It Rangers #ShartToys @midnight

LEGO Brick. #ShartToys @midnight

Battleshit #ShartToys @midnight

Pooperation #ShartToys @midnight

Razor Kick Folding Pooter #ShartToys @midnight

Deuces Wild #ShartToys @midnight

Plinkin’ Logs #ShartToys @midnight

Spelunking Barbie: With Real Guano! #ShartToys @midnight

Jem and the Meadow Muffins #ShartToys @midnight

Mousecrap #ShartToys @midnight

Loop de Poop Racers #ShartToys @midnight

#IntoTheStorm – still a better love story than #Twilight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Here I am, just mining my own business.

Here I am, just mining my own business.

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

Flower Power.

Flower Power.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or... his wingman should be fired.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or… his wingman should be fired.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

"We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute."

“We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute.”

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Look, it's the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

Look, it’s the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

BWAHAHA: 7/26 – 8/1

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/26 – 8/1: This week I got to attend the roast of fellow comedian Patrick Cunningham for his birthday, which escalated from funny to hysterical (and sometimes scary) drunken shenanigans by the end of the night. I also did five minutes of open mic to celebrate his birthday. I enjoyed it as always, but I’m still happy with my decision to leave the scene and concentrate on my storm chasing.

I did some chasing this week as well, but all the cells I was going after fizzled out and I only got one crappy lightning shot. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure Mother Nature is fucking with me on purpose.

By the way, Guardians of the Galaxy is a fucking amazing movie! If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Definitely worth the money for the big screen experience. It was the perfect blend of comedy, action, emotion, and effects. Brilliant at every level!

OTHER STUFF

Safety first, that's always been my motto. #HeyWatchThis

Safety first, that’s always been my motto. #HeyWatchThis

 

“Tropical Storm Bertha? Yeah, whatever.” “Tropical Storm Billy? RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!” #HurricaneSexism

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The Vaping community is the only place where someone can say, “I like sucking on a drip tip” and it not mean something negative.

I finally watched Pompeii. It was essentially 2012 meets Gladiator, but without the Arks, Bentley, airplanes, or Russians. Okay, bad comparison.

Oculus Reparo: Optometry for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

How To Train Your Eragon #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Defense Against the Dark Side of the Force #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Alohomora: Thievery 101 #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Engorgio Reducio: Sex Ed for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Riddikulus: Understanding the Modern GOP #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Tarantallegra: Yes, You Can Dance! #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Anapneo: First Aid for Beginners #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Thestral Tarts: Cooking With Professor Andrew Zimmern #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Darning with Dobby #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

Petrificus Totalus: Advanced Sex Ed for Wizards #BadHogwartsClasses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

20140726a

And we wonder why America is so far down on the list of most/best educated countries…

Damn, the homophobes were right, gay marriage did lead to a woman marrying a dog!

Damn, the homophobes were right, gay marriage did lead to a woman marrying a dog!

Last night - a date which will live in infamy - the pool was suddenly and deliberately attacked by drunks of the Empire of Vacation.

Last night – a date which will live in infamy – the pool was suddenly and deliberately attacked by drunks of the Empire of Vacation.

America, #1 in prison incarceration, #36 in education. But fuck it, "WE'RE NUMBER ONE!" #MURICA #AmericanEducation

America, #1 in prison incarceration, #36 in education. But fuck it, “WE’RE NUMBER ONE!” #MURICA #AmericanEducation

It's often said, "Hate comes from ignorance." Yeah, this kind of proves that point. #MURICA #AmericanEducation (Notice the person who tried to correct the original, also spelled it wrong)

It’s often said, “Hate comes from ignorance.” Yeah, this kind of proves that point. #MURICA #AmericanEducation
(Notice the person who tried to correct the original, also spelled it wrong)

BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

20140713e

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

20140718c

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts...

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She's never fully recovered from that experience.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We'll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.