BWAHAHA 4/25 – 7/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.

OTHER STUFF:

  • My favorite way to do the tip line.

    My favorite way to do the tip line.

  • I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.
  • When you don't have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can't throw away.

    When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.

  • Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.
  • Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

    Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

  • Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.
  • The cutest picture you'll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

    The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

  • Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
  • My favorite Indian food is tacos.
  • I think Michael’s might be confused.
  • Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.
  • Where's a wooden stake when you need one?

    Where’s a wooden stake when you need one?

  • From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.
  • Clearly I'm playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

    Clearly I’m playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

  • Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!
  • I'm gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

    I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

  • I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
  • Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
  • I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?
  • Huntsville's MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

    Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

  • If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. ‪#‎GuiltyOfProfiling‬
  • “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
  • If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
  • When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…
  • I guess the cat's hungry.

    I guess the cat’s hungry.

  • My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
  • Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
  • One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
  • I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
  • When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
  • Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. ‪#‎Played
  • I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
  • Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
  • Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?
  • Something seems off here. Can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

    Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

  • Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

    Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

  • Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
  • Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
  • A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.
  • Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

    Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

  • Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
  • Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
  • I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
  • If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the ‪#‎PeopleOfWalmart‬ web page? Let’s rethink this!!
  • Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

    Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

  • I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
  • Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
  • It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
  • Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. ‪#‎MotherNatureHatesMe‬
  • The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
  • If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
  • When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
  • Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
  • I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.
  • They're selling an empty record for that much!

    They’re selling an empty record for that much!

  • Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.
  • Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

    Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

  • Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
  • I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
  • The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
  • The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. ‪#‎MothersDayFail‬
  • Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. ‪#‎WrongSideOfHistoryAgain‬
  • Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬ ‪#‎ChaserProblems‬
  • How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol ‪#‎HippieHeadquarters‬ ‪#‎SomeoneSaveMe‬
  • I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. ‪#‎LivingVicariously‬
  • I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • I'm pretty sure that sign reads "Help Me."

    I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”

  • WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

    WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

  • Gun safety? Never heard of it. t's like a mouse, just point an click, right?

    Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?

  • They see me rollin.' They hatin.' Patrolling they tryin' to catch me ridin' purty!

    They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!

  • Hey! Who ordered delivery?

    Hey! Who ordered delivery?

  • The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

    The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

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BWAHAHA 10/25 – 10/31:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/25 – 10/31: So this week, even though I’m behind a week (yes, I’ll catch up this weekend), I’ve decided to take a different approach with the #HashtagWars done by @midnight. First, I’m giving them their own section, separate from my other Tweets, posts, etc. Second, I’m only including ones that are 100% original. I do a search for my joke and if anyone else did it – it doesn’t make it on this page: even if I did it first. There are some low hanging fruit and obvious jokes with each #HashtagWars and we come up with the same stuff. It happens. But there are a few where I know someone copied mine and used it as their own, because I used an odd Syntax or put in a special character where it didn’t need to be. You know who you are and did you not know that Twitter has a search function that shows not only that you stole my joke but time stamps that shit as well? Douchebag.

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today!

New tag arrived today!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Best Buy just aired a Christmas commercial. In October. I am now no longer shopping at Best Buy.

On the road back to Pittsburgh. 12 hours of other drivers pissing me off.

Even when I'm on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

Even when I’m on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong.

So when does Earth to Echo 2: Payback come out where Echo, with all his alien friends, takes revenge for the government shooting him down?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Who wants some roast? TAINTED MEAT!!! #TheWalkingDead

We had Swiss steak for dinner tonight. #TAINTEDMEAT #TheWalkingDead

Eating Bob gives #TheWalkingDead chocolate pudding a whole new meaning.

I have only a few Zombiepocalypse rules. No kids is one of them. Judith proves my point. #TheWalkingDead

All praise the red-handled machete! #TWD #TheWalkingDead

Uh-oh, did Daryl bring back some #TAINTEDMEAT to the church? #TheWalkingDead

#HashtagWars WITH @Midnight:

Lawrence of Catabia #CatMovies @midnight

The Abyssinian #CatMovies @midnight

Breakfast at Chantilly-Tiffany #CatMovies @midnight

The Godpawder #CatMovies @midnight

12 Angry Mice #CatMovies @midnight

The Usual Suspets #CatMovies @midnight

12 Years a Pet #CatMovies @midnight

The Himalayan Blues Brothers #CatMovies @midnight

When Hairy Met Alley #CatMovies @midnight

Hairballspray #CatMovies @midnight

Sarah Palin makes Vivid deal #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Michael Vick opens animal shelter #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Every Wives Tale is TRUE #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rapture happened: you missed it #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rick & Daryl: gay love scene #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TWD

Zombies only eat Playboy Bunnies #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Cloverfield monster… was a baby #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jason. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Olympics being held in Liberia #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Condom broke… with a prostitute #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Technically, we’re all TAINTED MEAT! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TheWalkingDead

EMP burst kills the Internet #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

They’re just friction burns. Honest! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Adam & Steve, not Adam & Eve! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

What’s in the box? Microsoft-10 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Satan’s number is actually 404 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Come again… How fast, officer? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Yosemite seismic activity rapidly increasing #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #NotReallyFunny

You don’t take credit cards? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

IHOP on Pop... IHOP on Car.

IHOP on Pop… IHOP on Car.

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

BWAHAHA: 10/4 – 10/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/4 – 10/10: So this week Alabama, specifically Birmingham, shined with stupidity for all the world to see. A passenger on a flight from Chicago to Birmingham got sick on the plane… so of course it had to be EBOLA!!!!! The plane lands and the Birmingham airport shuts down while HazMat teams, Firefighters, and police officers converge on the airport. Turns out, of course, that the patient didn’t have Ebola. Well no shit, assholes! So are we now going to shut down airports at the first fucking sneeze? Or just when black men with African accents sneeze? The best part of this entire fiasco was the commentary on the news item. Scientific illiteracy in Alabama? Surely thou doth jest! Comments such as:

“Diverted to a Red State? Where was it originally supposed to go?” Clayton G.

Well Clayton, if you had this thing called reading comprehension, or you actually read the article instead of the headline, you’d notice the flight was coming into Birmingham. But your question really insinuates that, what, President Obama can just call up ATC and demand a plane with suspected Ebola go to a state that didn’t vote for him? You believe in Bigfoot, don’t you Clayton?

“Maybe we dodged the bullet on this one… maybe not.. just saying.” Kathie M

Well Kathie, what you’re actually saying is that you have no idea what “dodged a bullet means.” If the patient actually had Ebola and no one was infected and they quarantined the patient in time: that would be motherfucking dodging a bullet. And why the “just saying” at the end… what are you insinuating exactly, because I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re not fucking psychics.

“How are they SO SURE, SO FAST?!?! I’m not… I am sick of this crap!” – Jamie H.

Well Jamie, there’s this thing called a blood test that takes less than an hour to determine if Ebola is present in your blood stream. The fact that you’re not sure of a fact just means you’re not a scientist, you know, someone who actually knows what the fuck they’re talking about, and it also lets me know you’re a Republican, Creationist, and Conspiracy Theory nutter all in one meat sack. And what crap are you sick of exactly? The THREE, motherfucking THREE, cases of Ebola in the United States? I mean, damn, so many of them, no wonder you’re so sick of it!

“This is probably caused from the government itself. I mean seriously, think about it! You can’t trust them. Period.” – Amber J.

By government, you mean the government of Liberia, right? Oh, you meant the United States. So 2.8 million government employees are just casually keeping their mouths shut as they infect thousands of people in Liberia and then let them fly over to the United States to start infecting Americans. Well, if they are, at a minimum it’s a reinforcement of the inefficiency of government. The Libertarians would be proud!

Hey, the next episode of The Critical Eye Podcast has been scheduled for October 16th at 7 pm CST. Make sure you go to the web page to listen live, call in live, and chat live!

OTHER STUFF:

Regarding Ebola in Dallas: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” – Ripley

Just laid out a schedule for a major installation and my boss says, “Make it so.” I had no choice but to reply, “Aye, Captain!”

Watching straight guys trying to pick up girls in a lesbian bar is pretty funny. #TheMoreYouKnow

The CDC announced today to be wary of, and report, any black man with an African-sounding name who sneezes. Rednecks everywhere rejoiced.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Casino Royale With Cheese #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dr. Nein! Nein! Nein! #LesserBondMovies @midnight

From Prussia with Love #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Goldfingerlickin’good #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blunderball #LesserBondMovies @midnight

On His Majesty’s Secretion Service #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blood Diamonds Are Forever #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Funny Man with the Golden Pun #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Spy Kids Who Loved Me #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Leafraker: Autumn on the Moon #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Four Eyes Only #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Octomompussy #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Askew to a Chill #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Giving Gaylights #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Licence to Drive #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dye Another Lei #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Phantasmagoria of the Opera #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Scats #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Chicago Fire of 1871 #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Les vampyre Misérables #SpookyBroadway @midnight

A Tyrannocaurus Line #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mummy Mia! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Jersey Shore Boys #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Fiddler Spider on the Roof #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Hello, Porcelain Dolly! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

My Werelady #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mary Poppin’ Eyeballs #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Avenue al’Qaeda #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Raggedy Annie #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rock of Mages #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Tain’t Misbehavin’ #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Barefoot in the Dark #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Screamgirls #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Maim #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Look of Whoremen #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Seven Year Witch #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rabies in Toyland #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Muenster Mash #CheeseSongs @midnight

Let the Gouda Times Roll #CheeseSongs @midnight

Briebird #CheeseSongs @midnight

Putting on the Swiss (on Ritz) #CheeseSongs @midnight

I Think We’re Provolone Now #CheeseSongs @midnight

Wake Me Up Before You Asiago-go #CheeseSongs @midnight

Blue Cheese Shoes #CheeseSongs @midnight

Pepper Jack & Diane #CheeseSongs @midnight

Queso Sera, Sera #CheeseSongs @midnight

It’s My Havarti and I’ll Cry If I Want To #CheeseSongs @midnight

Parmesan Sugar On Me #CheeseSongs @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Someone must have watched #IntoTheStorm.

Someone must have watched #IntoTheStorm.

BWAHAHA: 8/10 – 8/16

It’s BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) for 8/10-8/16!

8/10

*     Just played Munchkin for the first time. Essentially it’s Magick, but with humor and it’s slightly less nerdy.

8/12

*     #exboyfriendsbelike, “Who is this guy and why is he calling me his ex-boyfriend?”

*     #StopAndFrisk found unconstitutional, #NYPD now to implement #StopAndWhisk: go straight to the paddy wagon.

*     #StopAndFrisk found unconstitutional, #NYPD now to implement #StopAndFist: or as LT Smith said, “Going all Rodney King on their ass.”

*     If you get #RodeoClownObama, then I get #RodeClownJesus! Of course everyone’ll think it’s a hipster and not Jesus.

*     Well played #SesameStreet! Taking pop culture and actually giving it a positive message for kids!

*     Will you fuckers stop posting videos that make me cry! Sheesh!

*     I’m admittedly a verdant comic, but I think I may be starting to hit puberty, because I just found pubes in my joke.

*     James Bond: Tears of Allah is a well to hide nuclear weapons.
Catholic: Tears of Yahweh are insect excrement (off a tree).

*     Why are there sounds of mining coming from the mine when I know everyone just ran out because of the two ogres?

*     How can I mow the lawn if it keeps raining? Wait.. mowing the lawn is work. Never mind. Keep raining.

8/13

*     Remember when hoodie references or wearing a hoodie made you sing, “Mama said knock you out!” I miss those days.

*     IF we make sure we #StopAndFrisk white people, can we start with #MayorBloomberg? He seems suspicious.

*     Anyone know of a black or Hispanic politician who supports #StopAndFrisk? Or is it just crazy white people?

*     I mixed Orange Coke and Vanilla Coke: BAM! You’re welcome.

*     Most of the things where the M&M sings, “…but I won’t do that,” I’m thinking… yeah, I’d totally do that.

*     Does the Trivago commercial dude freak anyone else out? Is it just because he’s not wearing a belt?

*     Just realized that Steven Spielberg predicted Air Jaws way back then…

2 Seconds later... Air JAWS with Chrissie doing cartwheels!

2 Seconds later… Air JAWS with Chrissie doing cartwheels!

*     I needed a new nightlight!

*     Now that’s a bonefish!

*     #MichelleObama made a Hip-Hop video for kids. In the meantime, FOX News Headquarters implodes from attempts to deny racism.

*     Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder now have to remake the song to “Chocolate & Ivory.”

*     Surfer: “It was divine intervention that I survived the shark attack.” Really? The same intervention that sent the shark to attack you?

My friend Matt Dillahunty (‏@Matt_Dillahunty) responded, “The LORD moves in mysterious ways. God is shooting at you and intentionally missing! (mostly) #ThatIsPureLove”

So I replied, “Funny, the attack in question is 2 Great White sharks: Jesus really fucking hates this dude!

*     Advertising irony of the day. Not FTB’s fault – they can’t control the ads.

20130813_FTB_SexualHarassment_Add

8/14

*     I’d like to remind that annoying GEICO Hump Day Camel that camel tastes amazing when cooked on an open fire.

*     I have this weird feeling that my UPS package is not coming today.

*     Al Qaeda should consider pink burqas for breast cancer awareness. اقتراحك_لتطوير_اﻹعلام_الجهاد‬#

*     The world is just crying out for the Al Qaeda Comedy Tour! ‫#‏اقتراحك_لتطوير_اﻹعلام_الجهاد‬

Additional info on that weird hashtag: Twitter Totally Trolled Al Qaeda Last Night

8/15

*     My First Threesome

*     Homegrown Comedy had a photo contest to win two tickets to their 8/16 show. Below is the pic and my three entries:

1186198_574910055883979_1867656710_n

In an attempt to recover a drop in their stock, Hot Wheels (TM) tries something new.

Svetlana shows off the new runway model fad diet. She says, “It tastes gross at first, but after a while you get used to brake dust.”

You thought the other kind of rim job you give was rough on your knees…

*     Twitter keeps trying to get me to follow Alyssa Milano. Nah, I quit stalking her when I hit puberty.