BWAHAHA: 10/4 – 10/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/4 – 10/10: So this week Alabama, specifically Birmingham, shined with stupidity for all the world to see. A passenger on a flight from Chicago to Birmingham got sick on the plane… so of course it had to be EBOLA!!!!! The plane lands and the Birmingham airport shuts down while HazMat teams, Firefighters, and police officers converge on the airport. Turns out, of course, that the patient didn’t have Ebola. Well no shit, assholes! So are we now going to shut down airports at the first fucking sneeze? Or just when black men with African accents sneeze? The best part of this entire fiasco was the commentary on the news item. Scientific illiteracy in Alabama? Surely thou doth jest! Comments such as:

“Diverted to a Red State? Where was it originally supposed to go?” Clayton G.

Well Clayton, if you had this thing called reading comprehension, or you actually read the article instead of the headline, you’d notice the flight was coming into Birmingham. But your question really insinuates that, what, President Obama can just call up ATC and demand a plane with suspected Ebola go to a state that didn’t vote for him? You believe in Bigfoot, don’t you Clayton?

“Maybe we dodged the bullet on this one… maybe not.. just saying.” Kathie M

Well Kathie, what you’re actually saying is that you have no idea what “dodged a bullet means.” If the patient actually had Ebola and no one was infected and they quarantined the patient in time: that would be motherfucking dodging a bullet. And why the “just saying” at the end… what are you insinuating exactly, because I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re not fucking psychics.

“How are they SO SURE, SO FAST?!?! I’m not… I am sick of this crap!” – Jamie H.

Well Jamie, there’s this thing called a blood test that takes less than an hour to determine if Ebola is present in your blood stream. The fact that you’re not sure of a fact just means you’re not a scientist, you know, someone who actually knows what the fuck they’re talking about, and it also lets me know you’re a Republican, Creationist, and Conspiracy Theory nutter all in one meat sack. And what crap are you sick of exactly? The THREE, motherfucking THREE, cases of Ebola in the United States? I mean, damn, so many of them, no wonder you’re so sick of it!

“This is probably caused from the government itself. I mean seriously, think about it! You can’t trust them. Period.” – Amber J.

By government, you mean the government of Liberia, right? Oh, you meant the United States. So 2.8 million government employees are just casually keeping their mouths shut as they infect thousands of people in Liberia and then let them fly over to the United States to start infecting Americans. Well, if they are, at a minimum it’s a reinforcement of the inefficiency of government. The Libertarians would be proud!

Hey, the next episode of The Critical Eye Podcast has been scheduled for October 16th at 7 pm CST. Make sure you go to the web page to listen live, call in live, and chat live!

OTHER STUFF:

Regarding Ebola in Dallas: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” – Ripley

Just laid out a schedule for a major installation and my boss says, “Make it so.” I had no choice but to reply, “Aye, Captain!”

Watching straight guys trying to pick up girls in a lesbian bar is pretty funny. #TheMoreYouKnow

The CDC announced today to be wary of, and report, any black man with an African-sounding name who sneezes. Rednecks everywhere rejoiced.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Casino Royale With Cheese #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dr. Nein! Nein! Nein! #LesserBondMovies @midnight

From Prussia with Love #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Goldfingerlickin’good #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blunderball #LesserBondMovies @midnight

On His Majesty’s Secretion Service #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blood Diamonds Are Forever #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Funny Man with the Golden Pun #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Spy Kids Who Loved Me #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Leafraker: Autumn on the Moon #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Four Eyes Only #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Octomompussy #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Askew to a Chill #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Giving Gaylights #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Licence to Drive #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dye Another Lei #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Phantasmagoria of the Opera #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Scats #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Chicago Fire of 1871 #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Les vampyre Misérables #SpookyBroadway @midnight

A Tyrannocaurus Line #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mummy Mia! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Jersey Shore Boys #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Fiddler Spider on the Roof #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Hello, Porcelain Dolly! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

My Werelady #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mary Poppin’ Eyeballs #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Avenue al’Qaeda #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Raggedy Annie #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rock of Mages #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Tain’t Misbehavin’ #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Barefoot in the Dark #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Screamgirls #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Maim #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Look of Whoremen #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Seven Year Witch #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rabies in Toyland #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Muenster Mash #CheeseSongs @midnight

Let the Gouda Times Roll #CheeseSongs @midnight

Briebird #CheeseSongs @midnight

Putting on the Swiss (on Ritz) #CheeseSongs @midnight

I Think We’re Provolone Now #CheeseSongs @midnight

Wake Me Up Before You Asiago-go #CheeseSongs @midnight

Blue Cheese Shoes #CheeseSongs @midnight

Pepper Jack & Diane #CheeseSongs @midnight

Queso Sera, Sera #CheeseSongs @midnight

It’s My Havarti and I’ll Cry If I Want To #CheeseSongs @midnight

Parmesan Sugar On Me #CheeseSongs @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Someone must have watched #IntoTheStorm.

BWAHAHA: 8/9 – 8/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/9 – 8/15: What a crazy ass week! Ferguson, Missouri goes bonkers (see link in other stuff for my views), Robin Williams died, the Louisville Purge happened, and I finally fixed the toilet in the guest bathroom!

I hope you had a chance to follow #LouisvillePurge on Twitter or listen to the Louisville Metro Police Department’s scanner online. While there were plenty of concerns that the Louisville Purge was real, it became obvious rather quickly that the overwhelming majority of calls being placed to 911 were prank calls. There were a few legitimate calls, which seemed to be teenagers doing stupid shit (we’ve all been there, so don’t judge too harshly). Some of the calls were hilarious and listening to the dispatcher trying not to laugh on several of the calls was pretty comical as well. But after a while you could hear the irritation set in as they got tired of chasing down ghosts from prank callers. Yes, it was funny, but it was also fucked up, because for every prank call made to 911, that was an officer who wasn’t available for a legitimate breaking & entering, robbery, shooting (there was at least one confirmed drive-by shooting), domestic violence call, etc. No matter what was or was not done, one thing was clear: the Louisville Metro Police Department handled the situation with the utmost professionalism (further shaming the Ferguson Police Department). I’ve put my Tweets from the Louisville Purge separately below. Hopefully you followed along Friday night so you get most of the references. If you didn’t follow along Friday night, I’ll at least explain the Melman references. It was reported that a giraffe was freed from the Louisville Zoo and was roaming the streets (obviously a fake call or a troll Tweet).

OTHER STUFF

My review of Into the Storm

My blog post on Ferguson: Ferguson, Police Militarization, and Shame

Find out why Ancient Aliens is bullshit and takes advantage of your ignorance and gullibility (trust me, it’s worth the three hour video),

#TBT All of this has happened before, and it will all happen again. #Ferguson #StandStrong #FirstAmendment

LOUISVILLE PURGE: If you didn’t follow along on Twitter and on the LMPD Scanner, then you may not get some of these references, but the rest of us were laughing our asses off all night. These are in the order that I sent them out, so they follow the events as they unfolded.

I’m torn between worrying and laughing my ass off. #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles

Carrying swords and weapons. Um, you don’t bring a sword to a gunfight! #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles

White male with a machete and weapons. #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles #SwordsAndWeapons

Don’t know if the #LouisvillePurge is real or not? Good skepticism. So listen and make a determination.

If the #LouisvillePurge is real, the LMPD are handling it like professionals and processing calls as fast as they can.

Having sexual relations with a kitty-cat. #LouisvillePurge #Pranking911 #BeersAndPickles

“So y’all need to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cause they rapin’ everykitty out here.” #LouisvillePurge

All players from the Louisville Cardinals traded to Yomiuri Giants. #LouisvillePurge

Giraffe turns himself into local hospital, swearing he got sick touching the streets. #LouisvillePurge #Melman

It’s obvious that a lot of the 911 calls are pranks, which is fucked up, but there are legitimate calls as well. #LouisvillePurge

Oh no, now they coming for Little Caesars’ Pizza! Purge! Purge! #LouisvillePurge

Is Papa John ready for The Purge? Because Little Caesars’ Pizza is all Purge! Purge! #LouisvillePurge

It’s all good, the giraffe found his way home! #LouisvillePurge #Melman

The only purge you get when eating Papa John’s Pizza is the purge a few hours later on the toilet. #LouisvillePurge

Apparently if all the pizza joints had handed out free pizza, there’d be no #LouisvillePurge

Never Forget! #LouisvillePurge

Now we know who stole that beer and pickles earlier: the freed giraffe! #LouisvillePurge

No Pat Robertson, it’s not the Rapture, just the #LouisvillePurge #HideYourKitties #HideYourBeer #HideYourLittleCaesarsPizza

This whole thing was just a misunderstanding, all he wanted was a drink! #LouisvilleSurge #LouisvillePurge

#LMPD doing a hella job chasing down all the prank calls, but starting to hear the irritation in their voices. #LouisvillePurge

Gotta purge this nasty juice from my mod! #LouisvillePurge #ForeverVaping

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Bandits everywhere in the tomb, but all the urns, chests, and cabinets are still covered in treasure. #GameLogic

l’abricot: (French) – Where you take turns sleeping while running sensitive experiments overnight in the laboratory.

“They’re always angry about something. No matter what they get, they’re always angry.” Rush Limbaugh said that? Really? #Irony #CheckTheMirror

I’m the only male in my water aerobics class. Other than the instructor, I’m the skinniest person in there. #ConfidenceBuilding

Why am I still up? I’m catching up on #Ferguson on Twitter, because that’s somehow the best news source on it. #StandStrong #FirstAmendment

Lt. Louisville Surge (Matis Machisu) #WorsePokemon #LouisvillePurge @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Join the military they said. Girls like guys in uniform they said. I’m gonna punch “they” in the face.

Madison County Schools have introduced door-to-door bus service this year.

You’re too young to drive and too young to drink. Did he listen? No. He did both, now he’s crashed his car and life.

BWAHAHA: 8/2 – 8/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/2 – 8/8: Well this week was horrible for my normal job, but at least I finally resolved the problems by the end of the week and was able to enjoy my weekend: date night with my girlfriend, got to see a play (Bare), games with friends, mowing the lawn (I consider that a relaxing event since I ride a John Deere mower), and playing some Skyrim. We saw Into the Storm, the new tornado disaster movie (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt). I wrote a review of the movie after seeing what I thought was some unfair criticism of the film. There’s plenty of legitimate criticisms of the film, there’s no reason to get unfair on it.

Okay, seriously, if you do not know the answer to something, then do not guess or make shit up. I read 76 comments of people guessing at what a spider was (pic posted by someone on a Facebook group) and only one guessed sort of right. Unfortunately, I’m not in the group, so I could not give this person the right answer. The spider was nephila clavipes and they are gorgeous (seriously, do a Google search for nephila clavipes). Oh, and what you call a banana spider IS NOT A FUCKING BANANA SPIDER! UGH! (BTW, this is an actual “banana spider:” Phoneutria fera)

OTHER STUFF

I hate when people guess when they don’t know. Just say, “I don’t know.” It’s OK. “I don’t know” is often a precursor to “Let’s find out!”

I made the mistake of wearing black to pick up the dog from the groomers. Now I have more hair than the dog.

The Happy Mondays were playing in the theater bathroom. The Happy Mondays! On the radio! In Huntsville, AL! Weird, yet awesome. And then to top it off, The Farm were playing inside the restaurant! Did Alabama suddenly discover music other than Top 40 crap and Country?

Going to see Into the Storm on Friday. Sure, I’ll cringe at some of the bad science, but I’m expecting to love the movie because, you know, it has tornadoes and shit in it.

My review of Into the Storm.

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The #ISS is moving at 17,144 MPH. Someone’s gonna get a speeding ticket when flying over Alabama! #CantDrive55

I feel like I should be watching CNN for over-dramatic coverage accompanied by scary graphics and music, but I’m resisting. #Iselle

Just saw two guys kissing on stage… And I didn’t get an erection, turn gay, or want to leave my girlfriend. #DisappointingGayAgenda

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Clingy Butt Hairs Not Included #ShartToys @midnight

Power Through It Rangers #ShartToys @midnight

LEGO Brick. #ShartToys @midnight

Battleshit #ShartToys @midnight

Pooperation #ShartToys @midnight

Razor Kick Folding Pooter #ShartToys @midnight

Deuces Wild #ShartToys @midnight

Plinkin’ Logs #ShartToys @midnight

Spelunking Barbie: With Real Guano! #ShartToys @midnight

Jem and the Meadow Muffins #ShartToys @midnight

Mousecrap #ShartToys @midnight

Loop de Poop Racers #ShartToys @midnight

#IntoTheStorm – still a better love story than #Twilight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Here I am, just mining my own business.

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

Flower Power.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or… his wingman should be fired.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

“We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute.”

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Look, it’s the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

Into the Storm: A Review (Sort of)

Into the Storm

I watched Into the Storm Friday night in Huntsville, Alabama.

There has been a lot of criticism online about the science in Into the Storm. I do not get that criticism. If you want accurate science then watch a documentary on The Science Channel. To the critics of the science, you do realize you are watching a work of fiction, right? It’s called fiction because it’s NOT MOTHERFUCKING REAL!!!!

To be fair, there was some accurate science in the movie (perhaps 60% or so) and some relatively accurate scenes. But again, that is irrelevant because it’s a work of fiction, as in not reality.

The cast of the movie is almost all unknown actors and actresses, except Rick’s Wife. You know, Rick’s Wife, from The Walking Dead. It’s hard to really say she’s known since everyone knows her as Rick’s Wife from The Walking Dead, who is dead and no longer on the series. She doesn’t even appear as a figment of Rick’s imagination anymore. However, given that she is an experienced actress, she did do the best acting.

Essentially this movie plays like a SyFy Original, but better than a SyFy Original. This isn’t Sharknado or Megaduck Versus Platysharktocrock. It plays like a SyFy Original because it’s all unknown actors, and you know it pretty quickly. However, that’s not really meant to be a knock of the movie: all the unknown actors do a pretty decent job. For example, when the kids are making the video before they’re about to drown, you’ll actually well up a bit if you have any decent about of humanity in you. That scene is in the trailer, so I didn’t spoil anything, so quit being a weenie and shut up.

The CGI of the tornadoes is really good. It’s so good that I have to wonder if someone didn’t invent the software for CGI tornadoes and then someone decided to make a movie around the CGI instead of the other way around. When you have this new awesome CGI effect, you have to show it off and up the ante a bit, so the tornado goes through fire and creates a firenado, which is really beautiful and looked very similar to an actual fire whirl. That also means you have to put multiple tornadoes on the ground at once, but to do that you have to violate the science and have four of them in close proximity for camera view, and science criticism begins in 3… 2… 1… (Oh shut up, you purist, and just enjoy the show). Although I have to admit, I’m still trying to figure out why this small town in Oklahoma had a major international airport with giant airplanes that could be swept into the air and explode… but I forgave them of that because it was awesome (no spoilers, that was in the trailer to you big baby).

The movie has its funny moments and comic relief where needed (especially the redneck chasers). Most of it is timed well, some of it not, but that’s actually more than can be said about most movies that try to inject humor into drama and action.

The bottom line is that I was entertained and enjoyed myself. Maybe more so because I’m a storm chaser and likely injected a bit of confirmation bias during my viewing of it (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to the screening). If you want to see action, shit blow up, tornadoes, cars and buildings fly and get torn apart, and really good special effects, then watch this movie. If you’re a scientific purist who freaks out when anything is wrong in a work of MOTHERFUCKING FICTION, then you should stay home and lock yourself in your room to be safe from the real world and all forms of entertainment that violate physics. We’ll all be better off for it.

I give Into the Storm 3 out of 5 stars.

 

 

 

 

Watch the trailer:

BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.