BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/18 – 10/24: I spent all week in Pittsburgh, PA, mostly bored out of my mind. What kills me is not that I had to go there, but that my being there didn’t accomplish a damn thing. The facility didn’t get their side done and we didn’t get the job completed because of it – so now my ass has to travel back to Pittsburgh for a third fucking week. On the bright side, I found an amazing Vanilla flavor for my Vape! Vanilla Pseudo Custard from VapePGH Inc in Pittsburgh is the best vanilla flavored vape juice I have ever tried. It’s very close to a vanilla creamer and it’s awesomely smooth.
Why do we only use orange pumpkins for Halloween and for carving? And how in the fuck did I go through 43 years of life without ever knowing that there were different kinds, varieties and species of pumpkins? Thanks to some random fruit stand in Tennessee, I now know about all sorts of awesome pumpkin species that are much creepier looking than the plane-Jane orange variety we get at our grocery stores. Black, green, brown, grey, blue, red, and tons of swirls and patterns and weird growths, all make for some amazing pumpkins out there. We bought a Marina de Chioggia and White Boer to bring home with us. The Marina de Chioggia is just really creepy looking. I’ll throw a picture of the two pumpkins we bought below in “Other Stuff.”
On November 17th, comedian Carlos Valencia is coming to Huntsville, Alabama! The show is free and you should definitely come out and see Carlos. Carlos is fucking brilliant. Opening for Carlos is myself, Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate.
OTHER STUFF:
New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!
Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.
Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping
The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.
140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:
Shorten the season, no more series games, five innings, add tackling, and let women play. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
Replace the baseball with a Golden Snitch #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
No more delaying or postponing games for severe weather. Lightning is just Mother Nature yelling “You’re OUT!” #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
To steal a base you have to actually take the base with you. Tagging a player out is then called a petty theft. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
Replace stadiums with a living room and a PS4. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
Extend football season, get rid of baseball. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
Whiffle Ball! #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
The catcher has to stand in a small plot of Rye. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
The outfielders have to take a vacation far away with Josie. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
Take Me Out to the Ball Game replaced by Row Row Row Your Boat. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d talk Hitler out of having a mustache. Maybe a goatee instead. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d teach Neal Armstrong how to moonwalk so he could do it on the moon. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get in a lifeboat and steal Rose’s necklace after Jack drowns. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d find the mammal that survied the meteor impact 65 million years ago and kill it. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get Emperor Xuanzong to yell “KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!” just as Ghengis entered the gates of Caizhou. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d change the books to call him Alexander the Okay. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d give jet engine technology to America in 1939. #FoxOne #SplashZero @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Mr. and Mrs. Black to get an abortion… on Friday. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convert Jesus to Hare Krishna. Then handing out flowers at the airport would be normal. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Monica to wear a red dress instead. @midnight
#IfICouldTimeTravel I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d just eat popcorn and enjoy the stupid humans show. @midnight
Jesus comes back and pulls an Oprah, “You get to live! You get to live! And you get to live! #LameApocalypses @midnight
The llama population skyrockets out of control, they eat all the vegetation. It’s the Llamapocalypse #LameApocalypses @midnight
The alien accidentally drops the snow globe containing our universe. #LameApocalypses @midnight
God farts again and a new universe is created inside our universe. Turns out physicists, it’s a flatuverse. #LameApocalypses @midnight
Zombies arrive, but they’re vegetarians and eat only GRAIINNNSSSS!!!!! #LameApocalypses @midnight
Muslims and Christians meet at Megido for the final battle of World Cup Soccer. #LameApocalypses @midnight
Scientist works out way to make penises bigger, but it eliminates testosterone in men: big penis, no sex drive. #LameApocalypses @midnight
Turns out gluten is what’s keeping the zombiepocalypse at bay. A hippie fad starts it all. #LameApocalypses @midnight
A new fungus affects and kills all coffee beans. #LameApocalypses @midnight
George Lucas decides to remake Episode III with an all new cast and super CGI. #LameApocalypses @midnight
Jesus returns with Hitler and says, “Everyone is forgiven!” Everyone flips Jesus off and go about their lives. #LameApocalypses @midnight
CAPTION CENTRAL:
We’re all gonna die!!!!!!
Blair Scott: Synthentral 