BWAHAHA 4/11 – 4/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/11 – 4/17: I hate going to the doctor’s office. Primary reason is money. Other reasons are all the lost time sitting in waiting rooms; the high probability that the doctor is going to tell me to do what I’m already fucking doing because I have 43 years of experience dealing with sickness, injuries (oh, and all that EMT training and working in a fucking hospital), etc.; the view of other sick people (seriously, hospitals and clinics are fucking depressing); the pretty damn good chance that a doc-in-the-box or ER doc (because that’s where I have to go since it takes weeks to get an appointment with my “regular” doctor, who I actually only see when I need a fucking physical) is just going to give me antibiotics without even knowing if I have a bacterial or viral problem, thus taking a huge risk of further creating antibiotic resistant bacteria (newsflash creationists, if evolution wasn’t true, we’d all still be using Penicillin); lastly, the chance that I could catch some other bacteria or virus from some asshole in the waiting room who doesn’t know how to cover his fucking mouth when he coughs in public. So yeah, fuck doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. So with that being said… when I do go to the doctor, you know it’s really bad and probably a 90% chance that the zombiepocalypse would have started if I had not gone.

OTHER STUFF:

  • Shaving your head while sweating is like mowing the grass when it’s wet. #LessonsLearned
  • Since we know psychic powers are bullshit, why are we so surprised when predictive text fails.
  • Drenched in sweat, covered in dirt, metal shavings, WD-40, wood chips, and ant eggs. Yep, I’d call that a productive day.
  • I’m so sick & miserable right now that I think I’d accept an offer of heroin at this point. UGH!
  • Sickness therapy: water, hot tea with honey, glass of Fireball.
  • I can’t tell if I put too much cayenne, jalapeno, habanero, or ghost pepper in the sausage.

@HSVCOMEDY #HASHTAGWARS:

  • You’re so fine if I had a heart attack right now, I’d totally Die Hard! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • You wanna join my Breakfast Club? Join the ranks of those I’ve eaten breakfast with the morning after? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • I feel like doing a little spelunking. Wanna play Raiders of the Lost Ark? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • Wanna see my Excalibur? Then you can be my Princess Bride! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • You really light my St. Elmo’s Fire! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • If we go go out, there are 3 rules: no bright lights, don’t get me wet, and don’t feed me after midnight. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
  • I can tell with you that I won’t just need a condom, but a Full Metal Jacket. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • This is how the Apocalypse starts...

    This is how the Apocalypse starts…

  • Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

    Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

  • What video game is about to become real life?

    What video game is about to become real life?

BWAHAHA 11/15 – 11/21:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/15 – 11/21: Monday night, the 17th, was an epic night for me: in every sense of the word. I was given the privilege of opening up for NYC comedian Carlos Valencia right here in Huntsville, Alabama! Thanks so much to my co-openers Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig! Thanks to Matthew Tate for hosting the shit out of the show and for agreeing to bring in Carlos. Thanks to Carlos Valencia for swinging through and headlining and giving us the opportunity to open for him with an amazing crowd! Thank you to everyone who came out that night to the show and supported comedy. That was the most people I’ve ever seen in Maggie Meyer’s on a Monday night. At one point I’m pretty sure we were standing room only. It always feels good when people come up after a show and tell you how funny you were. So as a comic, Monday night was epic for the number of times that happened to me. It’s gratifying and it’s encouraging and it’s appreciated beyond words and measure. The epic continued into post-show open mic, encore by Carlos, and then a trip to Copper Top for karaoke where Carlos finished his Bon Jovi joke by singing Wanted Dead or Alive with a bunch of us comics doing back-up vocals from across the room. The epicness continued further as Carlos and I sat up until 5 am shooting the shit on my couch. Thanks again everyone!!!!

Huntsville comedy is doing a fundraiser so we can do more advertising and get the local scene to a new level. These awesome shirts are for sale! Buy one or two and help support local comedy and look good while doing it!

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OTHER STUFF:

That moment where you hesitate: is my neighbor's house burning down or is he burning leaves?

That moment where you hesitate: is my neighbor’s house burning down or is he burning leaves?

  • It’s so cold outside, I got a brain freeze from breathing.
  • I’m notorious for leaving my wallet at home. So I took pix of my DL, car/health ins. cards, AAA card, and company card to keep on my phone.
  • After today, I decided that the overwhelming majority of men at yard sales are there by force, coercion, false promises, or manipulation.
  • I just sang Enjoy the Silence ironically at karaoke. Now doing backup for Carlos Valencia doing Wanted Dead or Alive
  • Trying new jokes tonight at Bootleg Comedy. Come watch me and other comics succeed or fail. If the jokes aren’t funny, you can at least laugh at us!
  • I couldn’t do my sleepgasm joke tonight because the first comedian on stage did a sleepgasm joke. On the positive side, at least now I know I’m not the only person that’s happened to.
  • I have my computer (playing Pandora) hooked up to my large ass speakers. I think my house is going to shake apart.
  • Tip for Southerners from this once Northerner now living in the South: warm your jacket in the dryer before you head outside. Warm goodness!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

  • “Only a white man would make a fire for everyone to see.” ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ Dances With Wolves version.
  • “Oh, you’ll never ever know. The one who loved you so. Well, you don’t know me.” – Ray Charles ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬
  • Become a St. Louis police officer. ‪#‎HowToGetAwayWithMurder‬
  • Do it in a city with an overwhelmed and underpaid police force, like Detroit. ‪#‎HowToGetAwayWithMurder‬

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT:

  • Ted Talks Bundy ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Ed Half-Geiner ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • The Light Stalker ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Atlanta Stripper ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Boston Terrier Wrangler ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • The O’Jays Back Stabbers ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Jack the Crippler ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Pugsy Beagle ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Billy the Toddler ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Bunny & Clydesdale ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight
  • Underoos Bomber ‪#‎LamerCriminals‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Accept grammer... grammer is to hard four God. And of course their Alabama fans! Roll Tide for 'Bama Educashun!

Accept grammer… grammer is to hard four God. And of course their Alabama fans! Roll Tide for ‘Bama Educashun!

When walking the L.A. river, always carry a flotation device, because you never know when a flash flood will hit.

When walking the L.A. river, always carry a flotation device, because you never know when a flash flood will hit. The crazy thing is that I’m not sure which of the two is doing the walk of shame…