BWAHAHA 10/18 – 10/24:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/18 – 10/24: I spent all week in Pittsburgh, PA, mostly bored out of my mind. What kills me is not that I had to go there, but that my being there didn’t accomplish a damn thing. The facility didn’t get their side done and we didn’t get the job completed because of it – so now my ass has to travel back to Pittsburgh for a third fucking week. On the bright side, I found an amazing Vanilla flavor for my Vape! Vanilla Pseudo Custard from VapePGH Inc in Pittsburgh is the best vanilla flavored vape juice I have ever tried. It’s very close to a vanilla creamer and it’s awesomely smooth.

Why do we only use orange pumpkins for Halloween and for carving? And how in the fuck did I go through 43 years of life without ever knowing that there were different kinds, varieties and species of pumpkins? Thanks to some random fruit stand in Tennessee, I now know about all sorts of awesome pumpkin species that are much creepier looking than the plane-Jane orange variety we get at our grocery stores. Black, green, brown, grey, blue, red, and tons of swirls and patterns and weird growths, all make for some amazing pumpkins out there. We bought a Marina de Chioggia and White Boer to bring home with us. The Marina de Chioggia is just really creepy looking. I’ll throw a picture of the two pumpkins we bought below in “Other Stuff.”

On November 17th, comedian Carlos Valencia is coming to Huntsville, Alabama! The show is free and you should definitely come out and see Carlos. Carlos is fucking brilliant. Opening for Carlos is myself, Nate Bailie, Tom Hand, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate.

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OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

New tag arrived today! Ready for the 2015 storm season!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

The Marina de Chioggia (top) and White Boer (bottom) pumpkins.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Shorten the season, no more series games, five innings, add tackling, and let women play. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace the baseball with a Golden Snitch #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

No more delaying or postponing games for severe weather. Lightning is just Mother Nature yelling “You’re OUT!” #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

To steal a base you have to actually take the base with you. Tagging a player out is then called a petty theft. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Replace stadiums with a living room and a PS4. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Extend football season, get rid of baseball. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Whiffle Ball! #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The catcher has to stand in a small plot of Rye. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

The outfielders have to take a vacation far away with Josie. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

Take Me Out to the Ball Game replaced by Row Row Row Your Boat. #ImprovedBaseball @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d talk Hitler out of having a mustache. Maybe a goatee instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d teach Neal Armstrong how to moonwalk so he could do it on the moon. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get in a lifeboat and steal Rose’s necklace after Jack drowns. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d find the mammal that survied the meteor impact 65 million years ago and kill it. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d get Emperor Xuanzong to yell “KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!” just as Ghengis entered the gates of Caizhou. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d change the books to call him Alexander the Okay. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d give jet engine technology to America in 1939. #FoxOne #SplashZero @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Mr. and Mrs. Black to get an abortion… on Friday. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convert Jesus to Hare Krishna. Then handing out flowers at the airport would be normal. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I’d convince Monica to wear a red dress instead. @midnight

#IfICouldTimeTravel I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d just eat popcorn and enjoy the stupid humans show. @midnight

Jesus comes back and pulls an Oprah, “You get to live! You get to live! And you get to live! #LameApocalypses @midnight

The llama population skyrockets out of control, they eat all the vegetation. It’s the Llamapocalypse #LameApocalypses @midnight

The alien accidentally drops the snow globe containing our universe. #LameApocalypses @midnight

God farts again and a new universe is created inside our universe. Turns out physicists, it’s a flatuverse. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Zombies arrive, but they’re vegetarians and eat only GRAIINNNSSSS!!!!! #LameApocalypses @midnight

Muslims and Christians meet at Megido for the final battle of World Cup Soccer. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Scientist works out way to make penises bigger, but it eliminates testosterone in men: big penis, no sex drive. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Turns out gluten is what’s keeping the zombiepocalypse at bay. A hippie fad starts it all. #LameApocalypses @midnight

A new fungus affects and kills all coffee beans. #LameApocalypses @midnight

George Lucas decides to remake Episode III with an all new cast and super CGI. #LameApocalypses @midnight

Jesus returns with Hitler and says, “Everyone is forgiven!” Everyone flips Jesus off and go about their lives. #LameApocalypses @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

We're all gonna die!!!!!!

We’re all gonna die!!!!!!

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BWAHAHA 10/11 – 10/17:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/11 – 10/17: I’m on the road in Pittsburgh this week. Mostly bored off my ass since the techs have everything under control and I’m here only because the contract requires a project manager on site. So I sit in my hotel room on conference calls all day… staring out the window at Pittsburgh, well, at least I think it’s Pittsburgh, because it looks like the set to The Walking Dead or The Last of Us.

OTHER STUFF:

Lightning captured with cell phone camera.

If they ever make Dr. Who a woman, they’ll have to rename it to Dr. Who-Ha.

If you’re a hippie, please don’t stand in front of the fan. Now the entire room smells like B.O. and patchouli.

I brought the obligatory chocolate pudding to the season premier of #TheWalkingDead

Older woman pulling into the oil change Bay next to me almost drove into the hole. The mechanic was screaming at her.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

FoodValu, where the employees are still in high school and the customers have already purchased plots at the cemetery.

Watching the Ebola patient drive through Atlanta reminds me of the OJ Chase, except the woman’s not dead, yet.

The idiocy being said regarding Ebola is hyperEbolic! The only thing airborne is fear-mongering and ignorance: that shit’s contagious!

Critical Eye Podcast E045: Fifth Annual Halloween Show – It’s a Scary World Outside

My hotel room last night smelled of BO. I was worried it was me. Now I know it’s the housekeeper who stink. #DeodorantSavesLives

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

Tweakin’ ULY55E55 #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Drake Gatsby #HipHopBooks @midnight

Travi$ Scott Fitzgerald #HipHopBooks @midnight

Brave New World Boyz #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Soulja and the Fury #HipHopBooks @midnight

Trey Sons and Lovers #HipHopBooks @midnight

Sean Wington of the Dove #HipHopBooks @midnight

Tender is the Dizzy Wright #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Good Soulja #HipHopBooks @midnight

Lord of the Plies #HipHopBooks @midnight

The RainBow Wow #HipHopBooks @midnight

Wale Fire #HipHopBooks @midnight

Mally Malltese Falcon #HipHopBooks @midnight

Gucci Mane Street #HipHopBooks @midnight

The French Montana Lieutenant’s Woman #HipHopBooks @midnight

From Here to Eminem #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Magnififtycent Ambersons #HipHopBooks @midnight

Diary of Anne Frank Ocean #HipHopBooks @midnight

The T-Painted Bird #HipHopBooks @midnight

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Thug Man #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Hunt for Red Café October #HipHopBooks @midnight

Stranger In a Strange Timbaland #HipHopBooks @midnight

Guilty Pleasure P #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Big Boi Sleep #HipHopBooks @midnight

Swizz Family Robinson #HipHopBooks @midnight

Hip Hop on Pop #HipHopBooks @midnight

Crapple: for all your compooting needs #RuinTechnology @midnight

Praydar: like Gaydar, but for homophobes #RuinTechnology @midnight

Sacuum Cleaner: Suck your testicles clean. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Brobots: Artificial Bromance #RuinTechnology @midnight

Hearing AIDS #RuinTechnology @midnight

Iron Lung: When you’re too tired to breathe #RuinTechnology @midnight

Penichillin: killing bacteria… one sofa at a time #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Life: Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, Snapchat, Google+, Twitter, etc. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Scotch Tape: When you’re too drunk to hold the tumbler #RuinTechnology @midnight

Electric Blanket: When your boyfriend’s not hot enough #RuinTechnology @midnight

Nuclear Feareactor: Because the word nuclear is scary #RuinTechnology @midnight

Napalm: Self-warming lubricant #RuinTechnology @midnight

Transistors: Like a sistor, but also like a brother #RuinTechnology @midnight

Holograms: When your dealer cuts the cocaine with baking soda #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Intelligence, AKA Teleprompter #RuinTechnology @midnight

Solar Cell: Even inmates deserve a little sunshine in their lives #RuinTechnology @midnight

Endorscope: Mouthwash for Ewoks #RuinTechnology @midnight

Microchip: Satan’s gateway drug #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Heart: Fake feelings endorsed by sociopaths everywhere #RuinTechnology @midnight

Floppy Disc: A little Viagra and you’ve got a Hard Disk #RuinTechnology @midnight
When it lasts longer than four hours it’s a Solid State Drive

Barcodes: Don’t touch hands in the bowl of peanuts #RuinTechnology @midnight

In Vitro Fertilisation: why throw away a perfectly good turkey baster? #RuinTechnology @midnight

Superconductor Casey Jones #RuinTechnology @midnight

Cryogenics: So you can be an asshole in the future, too #RuinTechnology @midnight

Smart Swatch: Like the 80’s, but smarter #RuinTechnology @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Because fuck the homeless.

Because fuck the homeless.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Dammit, outdone by the Jones' again!

Dammit, outdone by the Jones’ again!

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Suicide clown?

Suicide clown?

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960's vagina.

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960’s vagina.

"What accident? Me? I'm just sitting here smoking a cigarette." #PersonOfInterest

“What accident? Me? I’m just sitting here smoking a cigarette.” #PersonOfInterest