BWAHAHA 4/11 – 4/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/11 – 4/17: I hate going to the doctor’s office. Primary reason is money. Other reasons are all the lost time sitting in waiting rooms; the high probability that the doctor is going to tell me to do what I’m already fucking doing because I have 43 years of experience dealing with sickness, injuries (oh, and all that EMT training and working in a fucking hospital), etc.; the view of other sick people (seriously, hospitals and clinics are fucking depressing); the pretty damn good chance that a doc-in-the-box or ER doc (because that’s where I have to go since it takes weeks to get an appointment with my “regular” doctor, who I actually only see when I need a fucking physical) is just going to give me antibiotics without even knowing if I have a bacterial or viral problem, thus taking a huge risk of further creating antibiotic resistant bacteria (newsflash creationists, if evolution wasn’t true, we’d all still be using Penicillin); lastly, the chance that I could catch some other bacteria or virus from some asshole in the waiting room who doesn’t know how to cover his fucking mouth when he coughs in public. So yeah, fuck doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. So with that being said… when I do go to the doctor, you know it’s really bad and probably a 90% chance that the zombiepocalypse would have started if I had not gone.

OTHER STUFF:

• Shaving your head while sweating is like mowing the grass when it’s wet. #LessonsLearned
• Since we know psychic powers are bullshit, why are we so surprised when predictive text fails.
• Drenched in sweat, covered in dirt, metal shavings, WD-40, wood chips, and ant eggs. Yep, I’d call that a productive day.
• I’m so sick & miserable right now that I think I’d accept an offer of heroin at this point. UGH!
• Sickness therapy: water, hot tea with honey, glass of Fireball.
• I can’t tell if I put too much cayenne, jalapeno, habanero, or ghost pepper in the sausage.

@HSVCOMEDY #HASHTAGWARS:

• You’re so fine if I had a heart attack right now, I’d totally Die Hard! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You wanna join my Breakfast Club? Join the ranks of those I’ve eaten breakfast with the morning after? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I feel like doing a little spelunking. Wanna play Raiders of the Lost Ark? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• Wanna see my Excalibur? Then you can be my Princess Bride! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You really light my St. Elmo’s Fire! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• If we go go out, there are 3 rules: no bright lights, don’t get me wet, and don’t feed me after midnight. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I can tell with you that I won’t just need a condom, but a Full Metal Jacket. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  This is how the Apocalypse starts…

• 

  Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

• 

  What video game is about to become real life?

BWAHAHA 1/10 – 1/16:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/10 – 1/16: It sleeted and snowed in Huntsville, Alabama on the 15th. Northerners may find that odd, but it’s not as uncommon here in North Alabama as one would think (just four years ago we had 12″ of snow on the ground at my house). What made this event unique was not the snow and sleet, but the fact that the city did not shut down at all. No school closings. No businesses shutting down. Redstone Arsenal stayed open. Colleges stayed open. The I-565 overpasses stayed open. If you live anywhere around Huntsville, you’ll know that the overpasses staying open is a major fucking deal when it comes to getting snow and ice in these parts. So well done Huntsville, you actually didn’t panic this time and there is still bread and milk in the grocery stores.

This week was both tedious and boring. Tedious because of all the sites I’m working on and then my boss threw three more on top of me. Tons of work to do for those sites. Boring, because it’s pretty much the same work for every single site. For those that don’t know, I work with prisons and jails. Both of those have a tendency to locate themselves in small towns and rural areas. The reason they do so is because small towns and rural areas vote them in so that the inmates count as their population, thus making their state and federal tax revenue greater. Yep, prisons are a money-making scheme all around. But newsflash prisons: building in those areas makes it hard sometimes to get the telecommunications that you need. A prison in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania that I’m working on is suffering from that now. The local TelCo cannot get the circuits I need until March 31st. So much for getting their system in within 45 days of the order coming in. Sure, build for economic reasons up front, but in the long run, that shit’s gonna cost you more than you’ve got coming in.

Friday night I had the pleasure of performing at the Alright Bayou Comedy Show here in Huntsville. It was an amazing show with a great crowd and my fellow comedians were awesome. Make sure you keep up with local comedy in Huntsville by following Huntsville Comedy on Twitter or Facebook and check out the Huntsville Comedy web page as well!

OTHER STUFF:

• Habanero powder in the nose… great way to start the night. On the plus side (after 100 sneezes), I can breathe really great!
• I guess I didn’t clean off the driver’s seat well enough… I now have a piece of glass stuck in my left ass cheek. Fun times ahead…
• I always appreciate when the Oscars nominations release: it lets me know which movies I don’t want to see (with a 99% accuracy rating).
• I like how a country music station in Texas favorited my Tweet about me not liking country music.
• It’s scary how well the Internet knows me sometimes…
• Snowmageddon: We’re All Gonna DIE! #alwx

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Some of us are getting more snow than others. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  Useth thou cell to texteth thine archers to unleasheth fury upon thine enemies!

• 

  Now everyone knows that Christina doesn’t want to get married. Ever. Learn something new: Gamophobia or Anthrophobia?

• 

  Someone needs to let Mike’s Mom know he sleeps with the fishes.

• 

  We’re all gonna DIE!!!!!!!

• 

  What it feels like to put on a condom.

• 

  Charles instantly regretted wearing pink to the black tie event.