This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/22 to 3/29 (posted in order of Tweets). I left for Austin, TX in the middle of the week for the American Atheists’ Convention (#AACON13) and basically ignored social media while I was having fun.
It’s #SuperSoulSunday, where God finally picks a winning team and announces it on Oprah!
FOX Sports’ coverage of #SuperSoulSunday is brought to you by Playtex: when the going get’s tough…
It’s halftime here at #SuperSoulSunday and Jive Talkin’ leads by a gimme five over the Funky Fresh.
The scheduled #SuperSoulSunday Parade has been canceled: cuz everyone’s gettin’ down!
Oprah has a #SuperSoulSunday: Don Cornelius spins in his grave.
In celebration of #PalmSunday, I’m giving myself hairy palms!
“Can’t you see I’m going blind?” – Korn’s tribute song to #PalmSunday
How come environmentalists aren’t all up in the shit of Christians for destroying trees on #PalmSunday?
I think #PalmSunday is Christian code for “we can masturbate without guilt today.”
If #PalmSunday fell on a Monday, would we encounter a parallel universe?
I think it’s pretty funny that it took an atheist to get #PalmSunday trending on Twitter. Go me!
I was going to celebrate #PalmSunday, but then decided to celebrate #FrondMonday instead.
I voted for Pontius Pilate! #PalmSunday
Adult stores report an increase in lube sales on #PalmSunday.
Fleshlight protests #PalmSunday, say they’re better than the palm. Jesus says, “I invited the Fleshlight: I have a hole in my hand!”
You’re not a pro on #PalmSunday until you get someone else to use their palm.
“She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ez 23:20 #PalmSunday
Dancing was fun, but my sciatica is really fucking pissed at me. LOL I don’t think it liked my Michael Jackson impersonation.
Tonight’s Set List: Palm Sunday, A&M, Pukis, Gas Ovens, Nasty Vaginas, Power of Vaginas, Pigs, Pink Palace
Only in Alabama can it snow for 36 hours without any accumulation.
Any time I hear a Mormon mention #Prop8, I just think they mean they proposed to eight 13yo girls.
Where’s the lube? #ThoughtsInBed
I think I can, I think I can, fuck… I can’t. #ThoughtsInBed
Where did she come from? #ThoughtsInBed
Where am I? Monkey beside me. I’m naked and covered in feathers. Whose bed is this? Oh, a bottle of Jack, that explains it. #ThoughtsInBed
Creationism is playing pretend for adults. #ItsNotComplicated
Don’t be one of those assholes who thinks everything’s funny until they make fun of your pet issue. #ItsNotComplicated
If the chittlin’ don’t be fittin’, then you must be aquittin’. #ItsNotComplicated
I don’t like butt sex, but I do like more tax revenue for my County’s marriage license department! #UnitedForMarriage
I’m totally “behind” #MarriageEquality
Just mowed my lawn in the snow. Yep, that’s how we do it in ‘Bama. #ClimateChangeIsReal
Christopher Hitchens is my co-pilot: because a corpse is better than an imaginary friend.
#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell. I’m pretty sure it’s a song about my penis.
#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Let’s Hear It For The Boys” because girls have cooties.
#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Goonies”, because everyone needs a teenage anthem.
#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Axel F” because Eddie Murphy is a Crazy Frog!
#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Sixteen Candles” because they just don’t make good pedophile songs anymore.
#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “In Your Room” by the Bangles, the video makes me JIMP every time.
I’m hotter than Ted Haggard in a day spa!