BWAHAHA 1/17 – 1/23

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BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/17 – 1/23: First, let me start off by saying, THE MOTHERFUCKING SEAHAWKS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL!!!!!!! I’ve been a Seahawks fan since I was 13-years-old. I spent almost 30 years watching them lose and lose and lose and lose. And now, two years in a MOTHERFUCKING ROW!!!!! If you’re not a football fan, the next week is going to suck for you on social media.

So the State of the Union happened as well. I always enjoy watching the reaction of the Congress as the President speaks and what they do and do not decide to clap for and stand up for. It’s a great way to check out the mindset of each party. I’ve decided to start calling it the State of the Loonion. My observations based on the behavior of Republicans during the State of the Loonion Address:

  • Republicans be like, “Fuck child care.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck equal pay for women.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck community college.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck climate change and fuck future generations.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck gay rights.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck women’s access to health care.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck the right to vote.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck better politics.”
  • Republicans be like, “Fuck the fact that Democrat and Republican citizens agreed with Obama 90% of the time on Bing Pulse tonight.”

Yeah, the Bing Pulse minute-by-minute poll showed Republicans and Democrats agreeing at least 90% of the time with everything Obama was saying. The red and blue lines were almost exactly the same throughout the entire speech. Independents were all over the place and looked like arrhythmia on an EKG, but that’s normal for them. So if Republican citizens agreed with almost everything Obama said… why are Republican leaders so against everything he said? Methinks your base is narrower than thou doth think!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Thanks to YouTube’s random recommendations, I just discovered Japanese Steampunk.
  • I tried to type “Go Colts” and auto correct changed it to “Go Clits.” I’m more surprised that Clits is in my phone’s dictionary.
  • If the Patriots did use deflated balls, I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
  • Ready to watch the State of the Loonion.
  • In the “I wish I had thought of this category:” Rich people: the reason your conspiracy theory is nonsense. Silly… but true.
  • Osmosis: Becoming fans of Donny & Marie after hearing their songs at a friend’s house. Side note: you shouldn’t be friend with that person.
  • Me: “Your dog and I have known each other for almost seven years.” GF: “But we’ve only known each other for about a year.” Me: “Exactly.”
  • Mutineer: someone who climbs hills instead of mountains.
  • Support LGBT rights? Don’t read the comments on articles about Alabama. The bigots are showing their asses and you don’t want to see it.
  • Victory in Alabama for those who don’t let a Bronze Age book tell us who people can and cannot love.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I drink so Lele b bow that I’m a librettist arty veining. 8 necessary to Dino now. #DrunkTexting
  • Someone has some Green Bay NFC Champs shirts on sale somewhere. @Seahawks are #SuperbowlBound

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

  • The Bookie of Life #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Pinch Hitter Perfect #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Shredding Crashers #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • American Pie Hard (With a Vengeance) #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • There’s Something About Gary Cooper #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Menchanted #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • The Housearrest Brony #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Pretty in Pink Spray from a .50cal Bullet #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Youv’e Got Male Pattern Baldness #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
  • Boxanne #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
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BWAHAHA: 9/27 – 10/3

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/27 – 10/3: Did you catch the NOAA Ocean Explorer live on 9/29? If not, you missed some really cool science: cool in the sense of scientists learning new stuff and discovering new attributes to known species: all live. It was some pretty amazing stuff.

Ebola arrived in the United States this week and people reacted as expected: ignorance and fear mongering. Look, you’re ignorant of the facts, I get that, but instead of reacting in ignorance, why not pick up a fucking science book or go online to an actual science-based medical web page (in other words, not “Natural News”) and learn about how Ebola works, is transferred, what it’s carrier rate is, etc. And you’ll find that there’s no reason to panic or be afraid here in the U.S. where we have infrastructure in place. But instead, you’ll spout off stupid shit on your Facebook page, making Chimpanzees appear more intelligent than you.

Cumin and Cinnamon look too much alike. Last week my girlfriend accidentally added cinnamon to her chicken salad. This week I accidentally added cumin to my milkshake instead of cinnamon. Luckily I realized my mistake quickly and didn’t put too much in. But here’s the weird part… it actually tasted really good. So we decided to transfer the cinnamon from the store bottle to our own glass bottle. No more mistaking the two.

OTHER STUFF

I probably just mowed my grass for the last time this season… but I’ll be mowing leaves for months.

#MentionYourGirlSoNobodyStealsHer is trending. Sigh. Women are not property. Only property can be stolen. Just tell her that you love her.

Oh no, my PS3 is getting buggy and crashing. This is not allowed, because I can’t afford a PS4. C’mon technology gods, smile upon me!

CDC confirms first Ebola case in U.S.: time to go buy all the bread and milk at the grocery store.

Ebola case in Dallas, TX. Conservatives blaming illegal immigrants in 3… 2… 1…

CDC confirms Ebola in U.S.: Conservatives blaming Obama or MSNBC in 3… 2… 1…

Mother Nature has refused to give me a storm for almost a month. It’ll probably storm while I’m camping in 2 weeks; she’s mean like that.

Apparently the Rapture happened yesterday, but only black kids were taken, so no one noticed.

Regarding Ebola in Dallas: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” – Ripley

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

I Love Pucy #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Twilight Tone #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
Leave It to Beaner #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Boy Rogers Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
Sea Cunt #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s #TooSoon
This is Your Wife #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Bob Dope Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Honeymoaners #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Bone Ranger #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
Fragnet #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Perry Homo Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s
The Hickey House Club #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1950s

The Beverly Pillbillies #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
I Cream of Jeannie #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Stay Trek #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
The Virginman #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
My Three Sins #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Hogan’s Herpes #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
The Bollywood Squares #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Fister Ed #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
The Perv Griffin Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s
Thunderbards #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1960s

Little Mouse on the Prairie #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Happy Gays #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
The Nukes of Hazzard #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Starsky And Butch #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
The Six Million Hollar Man #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Wander Woman #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
The Love Goat #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s
Welcome Back, Potter #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s #Hogwarts
The Incredible Bulk #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1970s

Dull House #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Poonlighting #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Who’s the Hoss? #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Males from the Crypt #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
The B-Team #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s
Ramington Steele #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow #1980s

Mom and Jerry #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
As The World Burns #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Captain Wangaroo #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Gays of our Lives #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
The Flintstoned #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Fister Rogers’ Neighborhood #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
The Pride is Right #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
The Puppet Show #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow
Reading Painbow #ChangeALetterRuinATVShow

University Studios #BadThemeParks @midnight
Lush Gardens #BadThemeParks @midnight
Disney’s Ipecac Center #BadThemeParks @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

How police interact with black people when the police don't have guns...

How police interact with black people when the police don’t have guns…

New evidence surfaces regarding the decline in polar bear numbers...

New evidence surfaces regarding the decline in polar bear numbers…

BWAHAHA: 2/15 – 2/21

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/15 – 2/21: This was actually a pretty fun week for me. I got my new speakers in (600W). I hooked them up to the PS3 and the whole house shakes when I throw a grenade. And for karaoke: one speaker for the music and mics now! The great thing is that I only have to turn the volume up to ¼ of the wattage to hear the music everywhere in the house. My neighbors are going to hate me after a while.

I finally got Last Of Us from GameFly. I was worried that it was going to be one of those stupid “smash this button to help the movie continue” games, but it’s pretty interactive. And it is a beautiful game. The graphics are amazing. It does bring up a lot of morality issues to think about in a post-apocalypse world. One thing, it definitely reinforced my view about having kids around during the Zombiepocalypse and why that’s a bad idea. Conveniently, so did Sunday’s episode of The Walking Dead. Just use kids as zombie bait.

2/15

My brain still hurts from the pseudoscientific bullshit coming spouted by the woman at the table next to mine at lunch.

Someone told me not to start what I can’t finish. Wrong, you have to leave it unfinished so the person is like, “WTF just happened?”

2/16

Ready for my Sunday dose of #pudding. #TWD

I brought chocolate #pudding to our #TWD screening.

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It’s always fun to watch people get into Internet fights over subjective shit. “The TV show I like is better than the one you like!”

World’s tallest mermaid photographed off Australian coast.

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I use it enough that I officially added the word “Zombiepocalypse” to my computer’s dictionary. No more red line!

2/17

I can’t wait for it to get hot again so that Fox News will conveniently stop talking about global warming. #ScienceDenyingMorons

It took over an hour conversation to decide where to eat. And then the decision was Hardee’s. #FirstWorldProblems

That awkward moment when Match.Com recommends your ex. Umm….

I’m glad you have friends, but I can’t tell which one is you in your dating site picture.

Oh look, a picture of a dog on your dating site profile! So that’s what you look like!

Really, you put a picture of you and your ex hugging on your dating profile? Maybe you should just go back to him.

Just what I wanted to see on your dating profile: a meme! That’s great! You know this isn’t Facebook, right?

2/19

A colorful map of the South that doesn’t involve snowfall? Cool! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

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What’s the matter, kitten, you don’t like a human’s ass in YOUR face?

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2/20

After someone tried to hack my Facebook, I changed my password to “upyourshacker.” Oh wait… shit…

Go and buy these awesome t-shirts and help support local comedy in Huntsville, AL. (Hey, my name’s on there!)

Someone just complained that CGI made movies look like video games. Yeah, because watching puppets was better.

It gets warm for one day and the bugs are fucking like there’s no tomorrow.

Did anyone else get the memo that we’re testing Libertarianism this week by salting our own roads after the snow?

Libertarian Fire Department responds to a grass fire.

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Of course the cell I’m chasing to photograph lightning goes tornadic. Of course!

2/21

If your idea requires woo to promote it, then it just might be wrong.

Sunbathing, city style.

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We’re all gonna die!

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Thanks to a friend’s typo, I may not be able to look at his Mom with a straight face ever again.

Thinking about changing my personalized license plate to ZOMBIE. #MidLifeCrisis

Know what I miss most about Syria? The weekend Burqa Raids at the women’s sorority houses at University.

Grandpa got busted!

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Mike says Sully’s been jealous of his face since the 4th grade, but they met at Monsters University! #SpaceTimeContinuum

BWAHAHA: 10/26 – 11/1

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/26 – 11/1: I don’t know how I missed last week’s BWAHAHA post, so here it is. I guess I was too busy picking my nose or something. I take that back, I do know how I missed last week’s update: I was busy getting ready for my annual Halloween Party. We had over 40 partiers this year and did the house up as a Dexter kill room (including a victim). We splattered “blood” everywhere and had a lot of fun doing it.

10/26

You know what’s really awkward? The word awkward.

Halloween: kids empty into streets taking candy from strangers: you know, something we tell kids not to do the rest of the year.

The Halloween Party “victim” was a bad, bad, dirty, dirty, girl!

HP_Victim

10/27

It may take a few days to recover from last night’s Halloween Party. Percocet. Check. Bleach. Check. Flamethrower. Check.

The war against the ferocious penguins continues successfully! Wait, that’s not funny.

Apparently, I’m a natural born spiller.

10/28

I don’t know who or what I was making this face at during the Halloween Party, but this is great!

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10/29

I mention I had to a take a Percocet in one fucking comment… and Facebook thinks I’m an addict!

PainPillsAd

If you disagree with the overwhelming majority of scientists and smart people: you’re probably wrong.

Being silly with Spaceballs!

10/30

I go to http://MuslimMingle.Com to help Islamic women get out of their burqas.

One of my favorite German bands says the word opposite as opposight. Singing in English is cute.

I’m not mooning you because I don’t like you. I just need an excuse to get some fresh air on my ass.

Hell hath no fury like Christians hell-bent on saving you from Hell.

I posted the article I wrote on Group Sex.

10/31

I hereby pledge to refuse to shop at any store that airs Christmas commercials before Turkey Day.

Mother nature just fucked my neighbor… and now I’ll probably lose power because of it. Thanks Obama!

11/1

Security at the airport is not LAX today at all!

BWAHAHA: 9/21 – 9/27

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/21 – 9/27: I was distracted by Grand Theft Auto V this week. And if all the GTA5 posts are being monitored by the NSA, then they were equally distracted by it.

9/21

Just killed a bunch of Marines and blew up a barracks: then stole a helicopter. Process that one #NSA! #GTA5

“Gangsta by night, parachuting pussy by day.” #GTA5 – that was a funny line.

9/23

Oh, look… someone called someone a name on a blog. How original.

9/24

#SenatorCruz may be on “cruz control,” but right toward a cliff. More like a “cruz missile” with all the damage he’s doing.

Iran’s extended hand reminds me of the grizzly bear that smiled and asked, “Want to come to my place for dinner?”

9/25

I’m glad #SenatorCruz read Green Eggs & Ham, because if there’s one thing Socialist Muslim Kenyans hate, is fucking Dr. Seuss.

I replay the Rampage: Hipster Killing Spree time and time again. #GTA5

9/26

I wish there was a way to slap people through the TV. I get headaches listening to Republitards on the news.

I’m beginning to think #GTA5 takes place in Alabama.

GTA5 Alabama

Not as far to drive for that beach vacation. #BenefitsOfGlobalWarming

Going on my Fall camping trip in December. #BenefitsOfGlobalWarming