BWAHAHA: 9/7 – 9/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/7 – 9/13: I had the honor of performing at the Homegrown Comedy Show in Huntsville, Alabama on 9/13.

9/8

Axe Body Spray says women are getting hotter: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

Increased instances of Jock Itch and Athlete’s Foot: #OtherThingsCausedByClimateChange

My new zombiepocalypse rule: if you lack common sense, you’re off the team. Might use you as zombie bait.

9/10

This program contains footage of humans engaged in human behavior: viewer discretion is advised.

Finally posted the article I kept threatening to write: What I Learned At DragonCon

9/11

I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be remembering today. Is today the anniversary of the Alamo?

With all the chatter on Twitter, I thought that maybe they were allowing up to 911 characters. Oh well.

Email from dating site: “goodpussy6969 wants to chat!” Wow, someone’s been taking classes in marketing skills!

Let’s stand our ground against iPads and smash them on the sidewalk! #GeorgeZimmerman

After the divorce #GerogeZimmerman will be standing on only half his ground.

9/12

No Snooki, that burning sensation between your legs is not your STD, the Jersey Shore is on fire.

Did the Stranger on the Shore pull The Drifters out from Under the Boardwalk that’s on fire?

Jersey residents are like, “Fire, what fire?”

You know that part of the boardwalk that wasn’t damaged by Sandy? Yeah, fuck that part!

Fire doesn’t care about your No Trespassing sign.

Putin, “…we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you’re LGBT, then Siberian prison for you!

How did I not know about Derek with Ricky Gervais? Bloody brilliant! But fuck him for causing tears in my eyes.

@rickygervais – finally watched #Derek. Thank you for making me laugh and then ripping my heart out of my chest with episode 7. #Kleenex

Correlation is not causation… unless you cut yourself correlating papers.

9/13

See what happens when you pray to end the Colorado fires? God just sends a flood instead.

The biggest drawback to Boulder flooding is how painful those boulders are.

I love it when anti-government Republican governors praise FEMA, White House, National Guard, etc during disasters.

Apparently a frog was trying to get a LADEE to kiss it so he could turn back into a prince. The LADEE rejected his advances.

Launch of the LADEE, frog jumps off launch pad. Must have thought it was a Lily Pad.

Triskaidekaphobia: you do realize that the 14th floor of the hotel is actually the 13th floor, right?

Sad as the destruction is, you gotta admit that such a large fire being started by an ice cream store is ironically giggleific.

This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19)

This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19): All caught up!

7/13

I think it’s convenient that churches and banks are named the same: First Bank and First Baptist. Peas in a pod!

After Zimmerman’s acquittal he went to the 7/11 and bought some Skittles.

Now that the Zimmerman trial is over, can we get some news on Iraq, Afghanistan, and everything else?

The Zimmerman jury stood its ground against justice or the prosecution didn’t stand its ground against reasonable doubt.

If I ever get in trouble with the law, I’m going to request a court martial, because my peers are fucking stupid.

7/14

On my way to Monroe, Louisiana. All my shots and immunizations are up-to-date, so I should be okay.

7/15

Next season of Glee may actually be worth watching.

Apparently this (Monroe, LA) is the home of Duck Dynasty. Well, that explains a lot.

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong Blasphemous Rumours (by Depeche Mode).

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong The Red (by Chevelle), well, at least once a month.

7/16

I’m surprised Monteith didn’t die of a Glee overdose.

I’d do heroine and alcohol until I died if I was 31-years-old and playing a 17-year-old high school kid.

I hear George Zimmerman just created an account on blackpeoplemeet.com. Anyone know if that’s true?

7/17

The preacher up the street souled out to the highest bidder.

7/18

Call it blasphemy, but I follow the facts: the Burger King rib sandwich is better than the McRib.

7/19

All my dreams last night involved me getting shot, stabbed, run over, in wrecks, falling, beat up, etc. Guess I should have drank more.

You’re beautiful #MarcusBachmann! #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay

#SexIsReallyGoodWhen you’re still cleaning the tapioca out three days later.

I celebrate #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay by staying inside because I’m not big on giving compliments.

Is it a coincidence that #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay also happens to be #NationalCheesyPickupLineDay ?

I need a massage so bad that I’ll even take one without a happy ending or even accept one from a dude.

Best trick of the Republicans: going so far right that the left is now Goldwater Republicans. Well played!

I bought carpenter jeans. They so soft and roomy! And now I can turn water into wine. Weird.

Maybe Zimmerman is a homophobe and just couldn’t handle Travyon tasting the rainbow…

Let’s fuck with liberals and conservatives at the same time: drone kill Zimmerman.

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21)

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21): Only one more month to go to get caught up! Woohoo!

6/15

Holy shit! Superman is an alien?!?!?! Yeah, we knew that, but Nolan made sure we fucking knew it!

#ItsNotAPartyWithout an ambulance showing up.

Sitting here pondering the irony of #TeamRape raping themselves politically.

6/16

Father’s Day always make me wonder how many children I have running around Europe.

Without the drug war, “COPS” would be five minutes of trailer park wife-beating and only air once a month.

Got excited when I saw “Top Hooker” on the TV Guide, only to be disappointed to find out it’s a fishing show.

6/17

To make sure I got it: Our education is not educational enough for the education of or educational sexist needs? #MissUtah What’d I miss?

6/19

Uh-oh, Obama took his jacket off, that means his American Flag isn’t visible anymore to those socialist Europeans.

James Gandolfini, he sleeps with the fishes.

You come to me, on my daughter’s wedding day, to tell me that James Gandolfini has died! No respect!

James Gandolfini has gone on to Where the Wild Things Are.

I heard that Jimmy Hoffa died today. Is that true?

6/21

Cooker, please! #PaulaDeen will be just fine, after all she’s really famous in The South.

A #Teabagger emails me asking how they can be racist if they have black supporters. Translation: I’m not racist, I have black friends!

#TalibanHitSongs Stone Dead Forever (by Motorhead)

#TalibanHitSongs Killing Stone (Hootie & the Blowfish)

#TalibanHitSongs Eyes Without a Face (Billy Idol)

#TalibanHitSongs Have You ever Seen Her Face (Byrds)

#TalibanHitSongs Women’s Prison (Loretta Lynn)

#TalibanHitSongs Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down (Robert Plant)

A #JodiArias TV Movie? Didn’t we see enough of that loony bin on the 24/7 TV Show called CNN?

Zimmerman Jury: 5 white and 1 Hispanic or African-American… because they can’t say 5 white and 1 brown.

Breaking News: Jesus & the KKK forgive #PaulaDeen.

I guess I need to stop talking about being single on FB. Every ad is women looking for fat, bald, and old men.

It’s okay that #PaulaDeen said the N-word, because she followed it with, “Bless his heart.”

#PaulaDeen’s best recipe was her recipe for disaster.