BWAHAHA 4/25 – 7/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  My favorite way to do the tip line.

• I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.

• 

  When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.

• Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.

• 

  Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

• Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.

• 

  The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

• Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
• My favorite Indian food is tacos.
• I think Michael’s might be confused.
• Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.

• 

  Where’s a wooden stake when you need one?

• From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.

• 

  Clearly I’m playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

• Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!

• 

  I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

• I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
• Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
• I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?

• 

  Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

• If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. ‪#‎GuiltyOfProfiling‬
• “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
• If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
• When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…

• 

  I guess the cat’s hungry.

• My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
• Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
• One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
• I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
• When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
• Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. ‪#‎Played
• I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
• Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
• Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?

• 

  Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

• Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.

• 

  Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

• Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
• Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
• A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.

• 

  Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

• Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
• Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
• I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
• If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the ‪#‎PeopleOfWalmart‬ web page? Let’s rethink this!!

• 

  Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

• I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
• Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
• It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
• Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. ‪#‎MotherNatureHatesMe‬
• The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
• If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
• When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
• Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
• I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.

• 

  They’re selling an empty record for that much!

• Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.

• 

  Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

• Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
• I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
• The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
• The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. ‪#‎MothersDayFail‬
• Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. ‪#‎WrongSideOfHistoryAgain‬
• Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬ ‪#‎ChaserProblems‬
• How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol ‪#‎HippieHeadquarters‬ ‪#‎SomeoneSaveMe‬
• I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. ‪#‎LivingVicariously‬
• I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”

• 

  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

• 

  Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?

• 

  They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!

• 

  Hey! Who ordered delivery?

• 

  The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

BWAHAHA: 4/8 – 5/9

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/8 – 5/9: Okay, it’s time to post a new BWAHAHA. As I said in the last one, I’m struggling with my comedy right now because I’m finding it difficult to be funny when I’m happy and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very, very, very long time. But I’ve written some new material, thrown away some material, and I’ve done a couple of shows with more lighthearted material and I think I’m slowly finding a way to turn my happiness into humor instead of my old self that turned anger, irritation, and depression into humor (as a coping mechanism, perhaps?). So I’m posting a month’s worth of the efforts I’ve made (notice this month’s worth is about as long as a week’s used to be).

Tom Hand was back on The Critical Eye Podcast in May as well. It was great to have him back on, so please listen to the show and enjoy Tom and I bantering back and forth just like old times!

4/8:

Seriously, you can’t invert the Y Axis on the Walking Dead game? Well, so much for playing it.

The one drawback to Freedom of Speech is that stupid gets to speak as well.

Lesson learned: always be aware of your surroundings.

He should have ran… ran so far away.

4/10

I wouldn’t say I was a ladykiller, but I was charged with attempted murder.

4/11

Last time my car battery died in L.A., I asked some young men for a jump. Ten minutes later I was bloody and bruised and a member of a gang.

Playing with Uranium is so much fun! #KeepTheNSAEmployed

I still feel like I have gnats flying in my nose, eyes, and crawling all over me. Fucking mating season.

4/14

I’m thinking of referring to woo from now on as poo. I know, semantics, but I think poo is more accurately descriptive.

4/19

Going to try to jump start my ride-on mower with my car. Someone should video this in case I blow up.

Always have a fully charged lightning staff on you: never know when a dragon will show up.

4/20

Oh, tall grass, how many things has thou hidden from last season?

4/23

In a world where Luke Skywalker didn’t escape.

There’s a fine line between dreams and fantasy: the line of my zipper.

4/28

Tornado Tip: Have identification on you that won’t easily be stripped off in the wind. Makes the coroner’s job easier.

Tornado Tip: Get dressed beforehand. No one wants to see you in your lingerie or skivvies at the tornado shelter.

Tornado Tip: Put a blanket or mattress over you in the bathtub, as it’ll muffle your screams better.

Tornado Tip: Keep your pets safe during a tornado, as you may need to eat them in a few days.

Tornado Tip: Get a good weather alert app, something to remind you every few minutes that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

Tornado Tip: The NE quadrant of your house is the safest, that way you can’t see your death coming.

Tornado Tip: Get to a shelter early, that way you can get the top bunk.

Tornado Tip: Make sure your pets have collars and tags, that way the shelter knows what to call them when they euthanize them.

Tornado Tip: Make sure important documents are in an indestructible container, it makes for better airborne shrapnel.

My GF listens to ocean waves on her phone to help her sleep, then wonders why I get up to pee several times each night.

Tornado irony. Major damage in Hazel Green, AL along US-231.

4/30

Anytime I walk into a large room and there’s no monsters or bad guys, I’m like, “Something isn’t right.” #Gaming

5/1

To watch FOX you gotta be brainwashed. To watch MSNBC you gotta lean a little left, To watch CNN you gotta be in an airport.

5/3

Caught Mockingbirds eating the cat food. Lazy moochers.

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy) is lollygagging. New definition for that word!

5/4

Sitting in the most comfortable patio chair I’ve put my ass in. $520? I’ll take the plastic one for $10, thanks

New episode of The Critical Eye Podcast with guest Tom Hand: E043: Tomwhat May, It’s Time for Tomlightenment!

5/7

Just spent five hours transferring all my goods to Markarth because vendors can’t afford my shit. #Gaming

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson impersonation tonight, but the bar didn’t allow kids inside.

5/8

Not sure what to wear to the Doobie Brothers concert: torn jeans with a paisley shirt or my funeral suit.

Thought I’d be the youngest person at the Doobie Brothers, but some hippies brought their kids.

If you’re into GILFs, you should come to the Doobie Brothers’ concert.

Since I went to see the Doobie Brothers tonight, a little #TBT in honor. No, my hair isn’t that tall… it’s a shadow.