BWAHAHA 11/8 – 11/14:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/8 – 11/14: Mostly a slow week for me outside of work. That may have been because I spent all day and into the evenings with actual fucking work. My boss decided I needed another nine facilities to work on top of the massive one that’s still giving us fits. While I appreciate your confidence in my skills… FUCK OFF!

And don’t forget on 11/17 starting at 8 pm at Maggie Meyer’s Irish Pub in Huntsville, Alabama: It’s Carlos Valencia!!! Opening up for Carlos are myself, Tom Hand, Nate Bailie, and Jonathan Craig with host Matthew Tate. This show is FREE!!!! Getting Carlos into Huntsville, Alabama is a major treat – so don’t miss out on this one. Get your ass down to Maggie Meyer’s on 11/17 for Carlos Valencia!

OTHER STUFF:

• It’s that time of year again… when I have to type the word “gifts” a lot. My brain thinks gifts, but it always types “figts.” #StupidBrain

• 

  Thank you Facebook, for finally making my dreams come true…

• House just got hit with a couple of pretty good shock waves. No smoke. No fireballs. No sirens. #FuckingAliens
• I almost had a heart attack as I think I’m $240 short… then I realize they still owe me $1,800. #SecondLooksSaveLives
• We’re the only white people in a Korean restaurant. That means we chose correctly. #GreatEats
• Thank you Internet, for teaching me how to use chopsticks in three seconds.
• It’s too cold to wait for the crosswalk light. Cars have heaters: you can wait while I cross the street in the cold. #alwx #HSV
• If this waitress’ yoga pants were any tighter, I could tell you how many eggs she had left in her ovaries.
• Southern Comfort’s Vanilla Spice Egg Nog is at stores now…. so much for my diet.
• It’s so cold outside, I got a brain freeze from breathing.
• Any store that airs a Christmas commercial or puts up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving automatically loses my business. I get selling Christmas shit: there’s a good market for it, but you don’t have to put up the fucking Christmas trees and lights and you definitely don’t need to playing motherfucking Jingle Bells on your Muzak machine. So essentially… I won’t be shopping anywhere and will die of starvation, because every motherfucking store I go into is violating this rule. UGH!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

• Eugene was playing with his book worm. #TheWalkingDead
• Voyeurism is not a science. #NotAScientist #TheWalkingDead

#HASHTAGWARS @MIDNIGHT

• Mariah Heep Carey #RuinA90sBand @midnight #RuinA70sBandWhileYoureAtIt
• Green Day-O (The Banana Boat Band) #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Liberian ReFugees #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Ice Cubism #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Liz Phairomone #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Korn Pops Cereal #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• The Flaming Hips Don’t Lie #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• YOLO La Tengo #RuinA90sBand @midnight
• Dammit, Janet! Jackson #RuinA90sBand @midnight

• Camilla the Choked Chicken #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Floyd Red Hot Chili Pepper #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Honey Foo-Foo #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Marvin “Big Kaboom” Suggs #RejectedMuppets @midnight
• Mickey Mooseknuckles #RejectedMuppets @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

WWIII in 5… 4… 3… 2….

 

As long as it’s under adult supervision… it’s just fine.

 

You’re not fooling anyone Doraville… that’s not a rescue vehicle.

 

Wait, shouldn’t he be wearing a gerbil costume?

 

If men gave birth… what would that kinda look like?

 

Down in Florida is a new trendy store for seniors called Hot Tropics.

 

BREAKING NEWS: A FOX News Viewer allows us to view them in their bubble.

BWAHAHA: 9/20 – 9/26

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/20 – 9/26: This was a pretty boring week all in all. First, let me go on a bit of a rant for a second about the Flood Wall Street. Look, I support the idea behind Flood Wall Street, but it is suffering from the same problem that Occupy Wall Street suffered: lack of leadership. This idiotic idea that they have that there should be no leadership is just that: fucking idiotic. That’s the kind of idea that makes my fellow liberals look like crazies. Pick a few core values and messages so everyone stays on point, instead of having some random nut go on a rant about how the military should be banned completely, because that’s totally inline with the message of corporations doing more to help the environment. See, this is what killed Occupy… they didn’t have a core message and intent, and so they attracted all the nutters from the left (9/11 conspiracy theorists, anarchists, etc) and there was no consistent message for either the media or Wall Street to actually focus on. So did we learn that lesson? Apparently not. We’re supposed to be protesting corporations that aren’t doing anything about climate change and protecting natural resources. I am totally behind that message. But it was turned into anti-corporate nonsense, anarchism, anti-GMO, conspiracy theories, etc. There’s no clear or concise message and no true leadership, so a bunch of liberal nutters (yes, my fellow liberals, we have nutters as well) are there making fools of the entire effort. A movement requires leadership and direction that espouses the common core values of the varied opinions under it. When the varied opinions are allowed to have the lead voice, then the core values diminish. It’s the opposite problem of the common cliche: “Too many Indians and not enough Chiefs.”

And on the conservative side of stupidity this week: outrage over President Obama saluting while holding a coffee cup in his hand. This is a classic case of conservative outrage based on their complete ignorance. It’s fake outrage – just for the sake of outrage. None of them said a damn thing when President Bush saluted while holding something or when he did a half-assed salute. Gosh, I wonder why they’re only outraged at President Obama. Here’s a small quote from Snopes.Com over the issue (as a former military person myself, this is accurate), “According to standard military protocol, it is not appropriate for the President of the United States to return salutes from uniformed military personnel because, although the President holds the title of Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. armed forces, he is not himself a member of the military, nor does he wear a uniform. The tradition of U.S. presidents’ returning salutes is a fairly recent one which began with the administration of President Ronald Reagan in 1981.” So take your outrage and shove it back where it belongs. Oh, and stop voting against your best interest. Haven’t you noticed that the states with the worst healthcare, highest high school drop out rates, highest drug use, highest murder rates/capita, highest rape cases, etc. are all in states that are conservative? No? Oh, must be those rage blinders you have on preventing you from seeing actual facts.

Okay, I feel better…

OTHER STUFF:

Clearly ‘Need for Speed’ wants me to go chasing storms. Too bad there are none around me.

I realized this weekend that I’ve mistakenly been using carpet cleaner as laundry soap. PRO side: clothes no longer have high traffic marks.

If the Falmer are blind, why do they have torches? ‪#‎GameLogic‬ ‪#‎Skyrim

It takes just as long to load a 20 square foot room as it does to load the entire world map. #GameLogic

I have no dog in tonight’s fight, but I’m gonna side with the Jets because I still haven’t forgiven the Bears for the Superbowl Shuffle.

Wait, did I really just see Hayden Christensen instead of David Prowse at the end of Return of the Jedi? That makes no sense!

Who did this? Who put Ghost Pepper powder in the water the pasta was boiling in? Oh yeah, that was me. #Brilliant

I have Chaser Cabin Fever: no storms for three weeks, and zero clouds for the past three days. All work and no play…

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

#ItsFallBecasue I just saw my first War On Christmas billboard. #ShotsFired @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue I can’t tell the strippers apart anymore because fall clothing is taking over. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue I’m budgeting school lunches again. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue Candy Corn is on sale at CVS. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue Evangelical Christians are already making Trunk Or Treat plans to offset the Dark Lord’s Holiday. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue orange and black clothes made by Indonesian children are on sale at Walmart. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue white girls in yoga pants are ordering pumpkin spice lattes. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue leaves are catching fire in my ride on mower’s belt. #BadFriction @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue there is Canadian geese shit in my back yard. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue the cotton plantations in Mississippi and Alabama hired a bunch of illegals for less than minimum wage. #NotFunny @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the pool section at Walmart is only one shelf. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause ass cheeks are less visible at #PeopleOfWalmart @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Earth’s Tilt is the Reason for the Season. Because science, beotches! @midnight

#ItsFallBecause bikinis are on sale for $2 and long-sleeved shirts are $85. #SupplyAndDemand @midnight

#ItsFallBecause schools are promoting “Fall Festivals” instead of Halloween Parties. #ImOffendedTooEasily @midnight

#ItsFallBecause because I can actually find a parking spot at Daytona Beach. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the white plantation owners have new black employees. #NFL #NFLDraft #TooSoon @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Australians say it’s Spring, and fuck the Australians. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Wiccans are suddenly in a good mood. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the calendar says so, and calendars are always right, just like the Internet. Just ask Pope Gregory. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause my neighbors are complaining about me burning leaves. I gotta hear you fight, you can smell my leaves! @midnight

#ItsFallBecause meth dealers are preparing for indoor sales. #RollTide @midnight

#ItsFallBecause old men are taking off their sandals and putting shoes on their black socks instead. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause it’s 49 degrees in Maine and 86 degrees in Florida. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause Christmas sex babies are being born now. @midnight

LifeInTheSlowLane.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

OilOfOldAge.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

LegendOfZelder.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

AgingBull.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

mantique.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

vegeriatric.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GoldenShowerAge.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

gerontophillia.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

grannytrannie.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

geezerteasers.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

OldMaidOfHonor.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

SpinsterHipster.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

antediluvian.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GetOffMyGrass.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Valhalla.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

BetterGoToChurchJustInCase.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GraveyardShift.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

re-tired.goodyear.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

ElderlyPeopleMeet.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

YouBreathingTube.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

spinsterest.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Instagranny.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Imguriatrics.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Huffingtonoxygenpost.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Stumblr.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Netaflixions.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

yelpIveFallenAndCantGetUp.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Aol.com (Oh wait, that’s legit) #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Microsoftpenis.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Employment.Walmart.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Buzzgavagefeed.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Godaddyissues.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Lifespandora.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Dropdeadbox.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Tripandfalladvisor.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Deviantoldfart.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Geriatricmail.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Photobucketlist.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Bloomersberg.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

dailynotinmotion.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Stutterstock.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Nordstromthurman.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

MedicalExaminer.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

4gran.org #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Crackedhip.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Liveleakinmydepends.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Wow, I didn’t realize there were so many orphans in this city!

Some tourists just have no respect for those of us wanting some peace and quiet!

Ten minutes into his routine, the male stripper realized it was the wrong car and the wrong customer.

#RedBox, so easy and fast you can pick up a new movie after you’ve realized you need a new movie while having sex.

I do believe this inflatable is suffering from prolapse.

For those really late term abortions…

BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.

BWAHAHA: 12/7 – 12/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/7 – 12/13: I traveled to Florida this week to help my Dad move for his divorce. The day we leave I find out he’s reconciled and we’re going down to move all the stuff. Fickle bastard.  Then he ended up in the hospital… but that’s next week’s BWAHAHA.

12/7

Life is like a juice box: you don’t know how empty it is until you’re sucking on the last of it.

12/9

Sarah Palin, “Atheists are trying to abort Christ from Christmas.” Distraction working since we’re trying to abort Christ in general.

12/10

Make a book-based movie and viewers complain, “It wasn’t like the book!” Make it like the book and you get, “It’s too long and boring!”
Or “There’s too much walking!”

I think white Jesus may live in Tifton, GA. At least that was the impression I got from all the billboards with his picture on them.

12/11

I’ve already been greeted by a half naked woman pacing in the parking lot. Thank you Florida.

Life is like a vibrator: it can bring pleasure or pain, be gentle or rough, but ultimately the batteries die.

During the Happy Holidays, suicide rates go up. If you’re gonna go… go Happy!

I would say I’m bored off my ass, but I’m sitting on it, so I’m more bored on my ass.

My suicide note will read, “I did not commit suicide. I accidentally hung myself.” #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Oh no, I forgot to lock the shark cage and fell into the shark’s mouth! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Uh-oh, I was driving too fast and accidentally drove off this 1,000 foot cliff into the an active volcano! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

12/12

Why is our culture afraid of young black men? Watching COPS we should be afraid of rednecks.

12/13

For a religion of homophobia, Christians certainly have a very homoerotic relationship with their Jesus.

That was a really tough conference call:

Blog Entry: Interesting License Plate

There’s only one way to solve the argument over the race of Santa Claus:

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to identify a FOX News viewer just from the stupid shit coming out of their mouth.

Interesting License Plate

I pulled forward into the designated parking space to wait for my drive-thru food at McDonald’s. A few minutes later a young lady came out with my food in hand and walked toward my car. As I watched her in the mirror I could see her look at my license plate and make a face. I giggled, as I always do.

As she handed me my food through the window she said, “Interesting license plate.”

I replied, “Thanks!”

“So do you have it just rile people up?” she asked.

“No, did it rile you up?” I asked her.

“A little bit,” she replied.

“Oh, well there are only two reasons for it to rile you up, either you have weak faith or you’re a bigot. Which one describes you?”

She made a face and walked away. I’m going with bigot. I wonder if she works on Sundays at McDonald’s.