BWAHAHA: 2/8 – 2/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/8 – 2/14: This week was the week of the cock teasing Snowmageddon. It kept threatening to snow in Alabama (again). The models kept changing and it kept being delayed. And businesses shut down for no snow. And then… it finally happened. Mother Nature proved herself to be the MILF she is and just dumped it all over us. Then it melted the next morning. Oh well… back to work in Alabama.

2/8

In the grocery store: amazing ass in yoga pants in front of me. Turns the corner… it’s a dude. Vomit cleanup in aisle 6, please!

2/9

Greenpeace is stupid sometimes. I have fond memories of hosing them down from a Navy ship.

Damn, did I really just spend the last 1.5 hours editing my GameFly queue? Yep… guess I did.

Grocery store is packed. Must be a storm coming. Idiots.

Carl. #Winning #TigerBlood #TWD

Mmmmm, chocolate puddin’! #TWD

2/10

Sometimes poor Japanese translations make perfect sense when the sign is hung in the right place.

Great White South

Navy Atheist & Gay Jesus

NSA & FBI Job Security

Snowmageddon in 3, 2… okay in 5, 4, 3, 2… okay in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… oh fuck it.

The snow just told me, “I find your lack of faith disturbing!” I replied, “I find your lack of evidence disturbing!”

Just noticed that if you take almost all anti-government conspiracies and replace government with GOP, it sounds legit.

If the terrorist bomb teacher accidentally blows up his class, does the virgins he get match the number of fingers he has left?

Def Leppard’s “Snowmageddon” is on the Hysteria album, right?

2/11

Public farting… sometimes it just works.

“Here, let me get that for you.”

Bin Laden, bomb, backpack, explosives, Allah, Taliban, and Great Satan. Doing my part to keep NSA agents employed.

The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg and sank.

“Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Snowmageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? – Yes, Snowmaggedon it!” – Deaf Snowleopard

Damn you GPS!

They’re gonna need a bigger boat.

2/12

OMFSM! The Rugrats predicted the Fleshlight!

In places where insurance isn’t required (or Libertarians are in charge).

Listening to the local news anchors describe the snow. Sounds like they’re describing sex. Innuendos falling faster than snow.

Every time you walk on snow… you’re just like Jesus!

If I had known my Chromecast had arrived in the mail today, I would have trudged out in the snow earlier.

2/13

With all the ice and snow out there, it took me a little bit of extra time to get to my office this morning. (a joke for those people who know what I do and where I do it)

Pretty people can still go fast, though…

My ex-wife just said, “I’m so glad I have you as an ex and not some douche who will screw me over.” I gotz cred!

I’m 42-years-old and I still cut the crust off my sandwiches. That’s so (5-year-)Old School!

2/14

Doing 183 MPH down the I-88 in the fog. Why? It’s amazing and I can respawn if I crash.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day was invented by a single person so they’d have an excuse to rail against couples for one day.

“Wrong hole! Wrong hole!”

Manscaping 101: First, apply shaving cream.

This week on Twitter (3/22 – 3/29)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/22 to 3/29 (posted in order of Tweets). I left for Austin, TX in the middle of the week for the American Atheists’ Convention (#AACON13) and basically ignored social media while I was having fun.

3/24

It’s #SuperSoulSunday, where God finally picks a winning team and announces it on Oprah!

FOX Sports’ coverage of #SuperSoulSunday is brought to you by Playtex: when the going get’s tough…

It’s halftime here at #SuperSoulSunday and Jive Talkin’ leads by a gimme five over the Funky Fresh.

The scheduled #SuperSoulSunday Parade has been canceled: cuz everyone’s gettin’ down!

Oprah has a #SuperSoulSunday: Don Cornelius spins in his grave.

In celebration of #PalmSunday, I’m giving myself hairy palms!

“Can’t you see I’m going blind?” – Korn’s tribute song to #PalmSunday

How come environmentalists aren’t all up in the shit of Christians for destroying trees on #PalmSunday?

I think #PalmSunday is Christian code for “we can masturbate without guilt today.”

If #PalmSunday fell on a Monday, would we encounter a parallel universe?

I think it’s pretty funny that it took an atheist to get #PalmSunday trending on Twitter. Go me!

I was going to celebrate #PalmSunday, but then decided to celebrate #FrondMonday instead.

I voted for Pontius Pilate! #PalmSunday

Adult stores report an increase in lube sales on #PalmSunday.

Fleshlight protests #PalmSunday, say they’re better than the palm. Jesus says, “I invited the Fleshlight: I have a hole in my hand!”

You’re not a pro on #PalmSunday until you get someone else to use their palm.

“She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ez 23:20 #PalmSunday

Dancing was fun, but my sciatica is really fucking pissed at me. LOL I don’t think it liked my Michael Jackson impersonation.

3/25

Tonight’s Set List: Palm Sunday, A&M, Pukis, Gas Ovens, Nasty Vaginas, Power of Vaginas, Pigs, Pink Palace

3/26

Only in Alabama can it snow for 36 hours without any accumulation.

Any time I hear a Mormon mention #Prop8, I just think they mean they proposed to eight 13yo girls.

Where’s the lube? #ThoughtsInBed

I think I can, I think I can, fuck… I can’t. #ThoughtsInBed

Where did she come from? #ThoughtsInBed

Where am I? Monkey beside me. I’m naked and covered in feathers. Whose bed is this? Oh, a bottle of Jack, that explains it. #ThoughtsInBed

Creationism is playing pretend for adults. #ItsNotComplicated

Don’t be one of those assholes who thinks everything’s funny until they make fun of your pet issue. #ItsNotComplicated

If the chittlin’ don’t be fittin’, then you must be aquittin’. #ItsNotComplicated

I don’t like butt sex, but I do like more tax revenue for my County’s marriage license department! #UnitedForMarriage

I’m totally “behind” #MarriageEquality

Just mowed my lawn in the snow. Yep, that’s how we do it in ‘Bama. #ClimateChangeIsReal

3/27

Christopher Hitchens is my co-pilot: because a corpse is better than an imaginary friend.

3/28

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell. I’m pretty sure it’s a song about my penis.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Let’s Hear It For The Boys” because girls have cooties.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Goonies”, because everyone needs a teenage anthem.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Axel F” because Eddie Murphy is a Crazy Frog!

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “Sixteen Candles” because they just don’t make good pedophile songs anymore.

#SongsIWillAlwaysLove – “In Your Room” by the Bangles, the video makes me JIMP every time.

I’m hotter than Ted Haggard in a day spa!