This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/1 to 3/8 (posted in order of Tweets). I was uber busy with work and didn’t get as much shit done on Twitter this week.
3/1
So that Republicans have one person to point at to prove themselves right, I’m going to CHOOSE to be homeless this year.
Sad Dr. Seuss occurred on 3/1 as well.
3/2
I fixed my Internet. Don’t know how. But it’s working. Therefore, I fixed it.
I shall resist the temptation to play with the #BadChildrensBooks on Twitter.
3/3
Pickers, homeless & scavengers: I get you digging through my trash, but have the courtesy to FUCKING CLEAN UP THE MESS YOU MAKE!
3/4
Only two people make Rick look sane: #LoneWolf and #TheGovernor. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingdead
Ellen Ripley, she’ll rock the Zombiepocalypse. #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry
Claire Standish, Andie Walsh, Samantha Baker, & Frannie Goldsmith #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry #StuckInThe80s
3/6
Hugo Chavez dead: Venezuelan news agencies have no idea what to say now.
Hugo Chavez dead: United States finally admits to secret cancer drones.
Hugo Chavez dead: Israeli official apologizes, “We thought he was an ex-Nazi in disguise.”
Hugo Chavez dead: Russian KGB apologizes, “Sorry, we meant to poison that other guy in the hospital.”
Hugo Chavez dead: Two witnesses swear they saw him leaving the building with Elvis.
Hugo Chavez dead: Dick Cheney insists they’re hiding WMD’s in his body.
Hugo Chavez dead: Kathryn Bigelow says she was disappointed to find out SEAL Team Six didn’t kill him, stopping her movie plans.
Hugo Chavez dead: Donald Trump demands long form death certificate.
Expand
Hugo Chavez dead: Sarah Palin says she can see his corpse from her back yard. And she read it in a bunch of magazines and newspapers.
Hugo Chavez dead: Bane upset as he did not give Hugo permission to die.
Hugo Chavez dead: Still getting laid more than Aquaman.
It’s sinkhole season in Florida! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Duck Season! BLAM!
3/7
North Korea threatens US with nuclear strike: Okay fine, but can we pick the target?
3/8
I was going to do a Michael Jackson impersonation, but I couldn’t get any kids to volunteer.
Mental Gymnastics should be an Olympic sport.
Blair Scott: Synthentral 