BWAHAHA: 8/30 – 9/5

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/30 – 9/5: This was one of those weeks where work was driving me crazy. Hey, let’s take a facility contract that’s been on hold for almost two years and roll it out in two weeks! Wait, you mean I essentially have two weeks to get over a month’s amount of work done? Oh, and then you’re gonna go apeshit when you find out two days before the install that stuff’s not done? Well gosh, maybe you shoulda fuckin’ thunk that shit through beforehand!

But at least I got to chase a few storms this week and ended the weekend with friends at a wedding. While that’s great for my friends who got married, my girlfriend and I both looked at each other with the “nope, never” eyes. And that’s why I love her!

OTHER STUFF:

Thanks to the three peeps who stopped to ask, “You okay?” while I was parked on the side of the road shooting storms. Yep, unless we’re talking about my head.

Ha ha! My magic weather bubble is working! BWAHAHA!

Ha ha! My magic weather bubble is working! BWAHAHA!

What is up with the crazy models on the new invest?

Why is Beefy Fritos Burritos so hard to say sober? Taco Bell should call them Fritorritos!

I present Exhibit A against my girlfriend’s insistence that I don’t pay attention when driving:

While my Magic Weather Bubble keeps me dry, it also keeps me from chasing storms. #ProsAndCons #Wizarding101

While my Magic Weather Bubble keeps me dry, it also keeps me from chasing storms. #ProsAndCons #Wizarding101

It's not real cooking without a fire! Turned off burner and let it burn out.

It’s not real cooking without a fire! Turned off burner and let it burn out.

Kids playing in Bicentennial Park, Nashville. #FavNashPic Wrong Nash? Nope, screw that Nash guy.

Kids playing in Bicentennial Park, Nashville. #FavNashPic
Wrong Nash? Nope, screw that Nash guy.

Seriously....

Seriously….

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

I can’t tell if my glasses are smudged or if I’m at a vape meet.

#facebookdown – so go ahead and reintroduce yourself to that Google+ account you never used.

I’m pretty sure #facebookdown was a Twitter conspiracy to drive traffic to Twitter.

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.” – Joan Rivers. Tupperware is waiting. #RIPJoanRivers

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Because this is the way the school year always started when I went to school! Yeah. Right.

Because this is the way the school year always started when I went to school! Yeah. Right.

No wonder Sasquatch is always so angry in those commercials: he's a drunkard!

No wonder Sasquatch is always so angry in those commercials: he’s a drunkard!

When asked why he hit the mannequin, John replied, "I thought it was Justin Bieber."

When asked why he hit the mannequin, John replied, “I thought it was Justin Bieber.”

When otters get Ebola.

When otters get Ebola.

We really need more ATMs installed in the Death Star.

We really need more ATMs installed in the Death Star.

"OMG, I'm going to find the person who leaked my photos and beat the shit out of them with this pink baseball bat!"

“OMG, I’m going to find the person who leaked my photos and beat the shit out of them with this pink baseball bat!”

Atlanta PD will be transporting this prisoner to Block AA-23, Cell 2187.

Atlanta PD will be transporting this prisoner to Block AA-23, Cell 2187.

Ronald refused to honor the restraining order obtained by Burger King.

Ronald refused to honor the restraining order obtained by Burger King.

The set of Batman Vs Superman got a little carried away.

The set of Batman Vs Superman got a little carried away.

When taking weather photos, make sure no animals are mating in the photo. Or go out of the way to make sure they are.

When taking weather photos, make sure no animals are mating in the photo. Or go out of the way to make sure they are.

OMG! Someone built a Need for Speed road!

OMG! Someone built a Need for Speed road!

Okay McDonald's, stop giving Japan special treatment and bring this awesome to the states: especially near me.

Okay McDonald’s, stop giving Japan special treatment and bring this awesome to the states: especially near me.

BWAHAHA: 8/9 – 8/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/9 – 8/15: What a crazy ass week! Ferguson, Missouri goes bonkers (see link in other stuff for my views), Robin Williams died, the Louisville Purge happened, and I finally fixed the toilet in the guest bathroom!

I hope you had a chance to follow #LouisvillePurge on Twitter or listen to the Louisville Metro Police Department’s scanner online. While there were plenty of concerns that the Louisville Purge was real, it became obvious rather quickly that the overwhelming majority of calls being placed to 911 were prank calls. There were a few legitimate calls, which seemed to be teenagers doing stupid shit (we’ve all been there, so don’t judge too harshly). Some of the calls were hilarious and listening to the dispatcher trying not to laugh on several of the calls was pretty comical as well. But after a while you could hear the irritation set in as they got tired of chasing down ghosts from prank callers. Yes, it was funny, but it was also fucked up, because for every prank call made to 911, that was an officer who wasn’t available for a legitimate breaking & entering, robbery, shooting (there was at least one confirmed drive-by shooting), domestic violence call, etc. No matter what was or was not done, one thing was clear: the Louisville Metro Police Department handled the situation with the utmost professionalism (further shaming the Ferguson Police Department). I’ve put my Tweets from the Louisville Purge separately below. Hopefully you followed along Friday night so you get most of the references. If you didn’t follow along Friday night, I’ll at least explain the Melman references. It was reported that a giraffe was freed from the Louisville Zoo and was roaming the streets (obviously a fake call or a troll Tweet).

OTHER STUFF

My review of Into the Storm

My blog post on Ferguson: Ferguson, Police Militarization, and Shame

Find out why Ancient Aliens is bullshit and takes advantage of your ignorance and gullibility (trust me, it’s worth the three hour video),

#TBT All of this has happened before, and it will all happen again. #Ferguson #StandStrong #FirstAmendment

20140814b

LOUISVILLE PURGE: If you didn’t follow along on Twitter and on the LMPD Scanner, then you may not get some of these references, but the rest of us were laughing our asses off all night. These are in the order that I sent them out, so they follow the events as they unfolded.

I’m torn between worrying and laughing my ass off. #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles

Carrying swords and weapons. Um, you don’t bring a sword to a gunfight! #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles

White male with a machete and weapons. #LouisvillePurge #BeerAndPickles #SwordsAndWeapons

Don’t know if the #LouisvillePurge is real or not? Good skepticism. So listen and make a determination.

If the #LouisvillePurge is real, the LMPD are handling it like professionals and processing calls as fast as they can.

Having sexual relations with a kitty-cat. #LouisvillePurge #Pranking911 #BeersAndPickles

“So y’all need to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cause they rapin’ everykitty out here.” #LouisvillePurge

All players from the Louisville Cardinals traded to Yomiuri Giants. #LouisvillePurge

Giraffe turns himself into local hospital, swearing he got sick touching the streets. #LouisvillePurge #Melman

Giraffe turns himself into local hospital, swearing he got sick touching the streets. #LouisvillePurge #Melman

It’s obvious that a lot of the 911 calls are pranks, which is fucked up, but there are legitimate calls as well. #LouisvillePurge

Oh no, now they coming for Little Caesars’ Pizza! Purge! Purge! #LouisvillePurge

Is Papa John ready for The Purge? Because Little Caesars’ Pizza is all Purge! Purge! #LouisvillePurge

It's all good, the giraffe found his way home! #LouisvillePurge #Melman

It’s all good, the giraffe found his way home! #LouisvillePurge #Melman

The only purge you get when eating Papa John’s Pizza is the purge a few hours later on the toilet. #LouisvillePurge

Apparently if all the pizza joints had handed out free pizza, there’d be no #LouisvillePurge

Never Forget! #LouisvillePurge

20140815b

Now we know who stole that beer and pickles earlier: the freed giraffe! #LouisvillePurge

Now we know who stole that beer and pickles earlier: the freed giraffe! #LouisvillePurge

No Pat Robertson, it’s not the Rapture, just the #LouisvillePurge #HideYourKitties #HideYourBeer #HideYourLittleCaesarsPizza

This whole thing was just a misunderstanding, all he wanted was a drink! #LouisvilleSurge #LouisvillePurge

This whole thing was just a misunderstanding, all he wanted was a drink! #LouisvilleSurge #LouisvillePurge

#LMPD doing a hella job chasing down all the prank calls, but starting to hear the irritation in their voices. #LouisvillePurge

Gotta purge this nasty juice from my mod! #LouisvillePurge #ForeverVaping

Gotta purge this nasty juice from my mod! #LouisvillePurge #ForeverVaping

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Bandits everywhere in the tomb, but all the urns, chests, and cabinets are still covered in treasure. #GameLogic

l’abricot: (French) – Where you take turns sleeping while running sensitive experiments overnight in the laboratory.

“They’re always angry about something. No matter what they get, they’re always angry.” Rush Limbaugh said that? Really? #Irony #CheckTheMirror

I’m the only male in my water aerobics class. Other than the instructor, I’m the skinniest person in there. #ConfidenceBuilding

Why am I still up? I’m catching up on #Ferguson on Twitter, because that’s somehow the best news source on it. #StandStrong #FirstAmendment

Lt. Louisville Surge (Matis Machisu) #WorsePokemon #LouisvillePurge @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Join the military they said. Girls like guys in uniform they said. I'm gonna punch "they" in the face.

Join the military they said. Girls like guys in uniform they said. I’m gonna punch “they” in the face.

Madison County Schools have introduced door-to-door bus service this year.

Madison County Schools have introduced door-to-door bus service this year.

You're too young to drive and too young to drink. Did he listen? No. He did both, now he's crashed his car and life.

You’re too young to drive and too young to drink. Did he listen? No. He did both, now he’s crashed his car and life.

100 Cigarettes Walk Into A Bar…

how-many-can-you-feet-in-your-mouthSo an online argument begins about smoking. It’s getting super heated. Names are being thrown around. Personal attacks combined with study and counter-study. The anger in the thread is blatant. So I decided to troll the thread with cigarette jokes. In Improv there is a game called “100.” You take any object and insert it into “100 [insert object here] walk into a bar…” The trick is to come up with as many as possible until you just can’t come up with any more. In Improv, they don’t have to be funny – the trick is to just be able to come up with something, anything, quickly and on the spot.

So here are my 100 cigarette jokes that I threw on the thread:

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Is it because we have really hot butts?”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “But we filter everything we say!”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Quit staring at my hot ash!”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “But we’re 100’s!”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Oh, come on! We just got rolled into town!”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Don’t make us separate into packs!”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “You’re just blowing smoke up my ass, right?”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “We’ll just pack up and leave.”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Man, I’ve been carton these guys around all day!”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Oh, this isn’t the Cough Inn?”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Who do you think you are to pipe up?”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “So you’re just going to put us out?”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar tender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “You’re an ashist!”

100 cigarettes walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar tender and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the cigarette says, “Whatever you ashole!”

UPDATE 10/25 @ 1554 CST: A fellow comedian pointed out that his Improv group does “101” and another emailed me to say they do “1,001.” Seems the number varies for different groups, and that’s cool, because the number is almost arbitrary and irrelevant. And I say almost because it can’t be just “1.” Making it two or more opens the jokes possible to groups and couples and multiples: giving the Improver a lot more flexibility in getting those brain juices flowing!