BWAHAHA: 12/14 – 12/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/14 – 12/20: This week I was in Florida helping my Dad move. During the middle of that he ended up in the hospital for almost the entire week with a horrible bout of kidney stones and the start of kidney failure. Doctors and science prevailed and he is on the road to recovery. My week in Florida was made fun by the idiocy of Q-Tips: you know, older drivers where all you can see is the puff of white cotton sticking up above the driver’s seat. How fucking hard it is to do the speed limit when merging? I found myself doing my best (and by best I mean horrible) impersonation of Samuel Jackson, “Cruise control motherfucker, do you use it?!?!?!?!” I don’t want you to go over the speed limit, but for the love of whatever gods do not exist, can you at least do the fucking speed limit? Is there a law that says if you’re handicap or over the age of 65 that you have to do at least five under? Oh, and don’t even get me started on idiots slamming on their brakes when they see a police officer. Newsflash morons, you only have to break to the speed limit. If the speed limit is 70, why the fuck are you breaking to 60? FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!! Okay… I feel better now.

12/15

The woman at the next table sounds like a female Deepak Chopra. Kill me now.

He’s feeling better and the fool wants to watch a Lifetime movie… about hospitals.

12/16

Feeling the need to watch my favorite Christmas movie: Die Hard.

Harvard finals are ‘da bomb!

Lesson I learned today: when life gets hard, call in a bomb threat.

70-year-old woman in the car in front of me is head banging to Quiet Riot. #FloridaLife #StllRockin

Not sure why they are endangered, I’ve seen plenty of man tease here in Florida.

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, that he hired Greenpeace as a bodyguard to protect it against Japanese whalers. #HollywoodBabbleOn

But how will we find Baby Jesus?

Okay men, time to start flying in formation: even going to the bathroom together so we all look good. (Cheerleader Effect)

Meanwhile… on the set of Star Wars VII at Disney Studios…

12/17

Dad has to go to a nursing home for a few weeks rehab. A home for nurses sounds like fun!

So my Dad has to go to a nursing home. I’m jealous. I’d love to breastfeed all day.

Is this legitimate Sexasaurus Rex science?

So that is where they come from! Or is this just shameless self-promotion?

Is there a law I don’t know about that requires handicap drivers to go at least five under the speed limit? #RetiredFlorida

This is the problem with the world today: the over-objectification of snow.

12/18

I was on ReapSow Radio. Listen to the archive.

Is Duck Dynasty that boring?

I can’t tell if this is an “Oh shit!” or a “Watch my awesome!”

12/19

Always check for reflective surfaces when watching porn or hentai. If not… BUSTED!

If baseball is a metaphor for sex, then I must be a sports commentator, because I’m not a player! Sometimes I’m the third-base coach.

12/20

Duck Dynasty is scripted and fabricated – so once again Christians are defending a work of fiction.

Dirty Santa gift ready. Cheap and easy. The gift… not me. Okay, me too.

Do you think whoever invented the word diarrhea intentionally wanted it to sound like “dire rear?”

Mud jumping would be awesome if the fashion was better.

I told you I was cheap… only $.25!

A friend asked if he could swipe a credit card in my rear. I told him there was a $3 minimum purchase on credit cards.

I wonder how many people stand at the bottom waiting for the movie to start…

My 9th Grade Psychic Power

So the other day I was going through my old poems (I haven’t written in years) and stumbled upon a poem I wrote in 1986 called “Circle of Light.” It struck me as funny second line in the third stanza. Here is the poem in its entirety:

Circle Of Light

Circle of light flies high
glowing aura touches ground
eyes of moon on land spies
awaiting death from ominous sound

Lips of man cringe in pain
yellow flowers bloom ’round
eyes of blue, turn red insane
ethics, morals, none be found

Hot blood flows through and through
stalking through Le ‘Ole Bayou
lobes of large searching sound
a savior, a knight, not be found

Movement within, jump of an arm
soul of victim bounce and pound
old men speak of chicken farms
fear from people, villages, towns

Circle of light flies high
kin of hound, ominous sound
stalking the swamp, prey tonight
people’s fear, rid this town

Le ‘Ole Bayou? Really? So my unknown psychic powers either predicted True Blood or Duck Dynasty. Take that Nostradamus!

This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19)

This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19): All caught up!

7/13

I think it’s convenient that churches and banks are named the same: First Bank and First Baptist. Peas in a pod!

After Zimmerman’s acquittal he went to the 7/11 and bought some Skittles.

Now that the Zimmerman trial is over, can we get some news on Iraq, Afghanistan, and everything else?

The Zimmerman jury stood its ground against justice or the prosecution didn’t stand its ground against reasonable doubt.

If I ever get in trouble with the law, I’m going to request a court martial, because my peers are fucking stupid.

7/14

On my way to Monroe, Louisiana. All my shots and immunizations are up-to-date, so I should be okay.

7/15

Next season of Glee may actually be worth watching.

Apparently this (Monroe, LA) is the home of Duck Dynasty. Well, that explains a lot.

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong Blasphemous Rumours (by Depeche Mode).

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong The Red (by Chevelle), well, at least once a month.

7/16

I’m surprised Monteith didn’t die of a Glee overdose.

I’d do heroine and alcohol until I died if I was 31-years-old and playing a 17-year-old high school kid.

I hear George Zimmerman just created an account on blackpeoplemeet.com. Anyone know if that’s true?

7/17

The preacher up the street souled out to the highest bidder.

7/18

Call it blasphemy, but I follow the facts: the Burger King rib sandwich is better than the McRib.

7/19

All my dreams last night involved me getting shot, stabbed, run over, in wrecks, falling, beat up, etc. Guess I should have drank more.

You’re beautiful #MarcusBachmann! #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay

#SexIsReallyGoodWhen you’re still cleaning the tapioca out three days later.

I celebrate #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay by staying inside because I’m not big on giving compliments.

Is it a coincidence that #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay also happens to be #NationalCheesyPickupLineDay ?

I need a massage so bad that I’ll even take one without a happy ending or even accept one from a dude.

Best trick of the Republicans: going so far right that the left is now Goldwater Republicans. Well played!

I bought carpenter jeans. They so soft and roomy! And now I can turn water into wine. Weird.

Maybe Zimmerman is a homophobe and just couldn’t handle Travyon tasting the rainbow…

Let’s fuck with liberals and conservatives at the same time: drone kill Zimmerman.