BWAHAHA 1/31 – 2/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/31 – 2/6: Mostly a boring week for me. I have no car since my windshield is still shattered from the basketball goal that fell on it, so I’m a captive in my own home. But since I don’t have any money thanks to a giant electric bill, that’s probably a good thing. Hey, at least I’m kicking ass on Skyrim (playing from scratch for the tenth time).

I’m still disappointed in the Seahawks’ Super Bowl loss. I don’t care how many times the coach explains why he chose to throw the ball, it was still a bad call when you had at least one more down (barring any penalties on the Pat’s side) to try to get Marshawn (or at least a QB sneak) that one fucking yard! What’s done is done, sure, but fuck the Patriots.

OTHER STUFF:

  • Coming down from the DJ booth, I missed the last step and fell. I’m so gonna feel it in the morning. #ClubLife
  • Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

    Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

  • If you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you support gay marriage? After all, the more gay couples getting married, the sooner Jesus will come back!
  • More people are flying their own drones, so UFO reports should go up. And a UFO report is just admitting your inability to ID the common. Like this drone, it’s sure to get some UFO reports.
  • Feeling brave? I can legally perform marriages in the state of Alabama.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I’m in a room full of 13 men all hoping for a Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction. #SB49
  • Katy Perry is wearing a flaming Hunger Games dress. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Those Beach balls are not deflated. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • When did Missy Elliott become a NASCAR driver? #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Wow, look at all those blue balls on the field. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Man that sucks, but at least we got a UFC fight at the end. #SB49
  • There is only one question I have. #WhyDidTheyThrowTheBall

@MIDNIGHT #HASSHTAGWARS:

  • Alabama jumped from 49th to 50th dumbest state #BecauseIDied @midnight
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I got a huge break on my carbon credits.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I’ll never see all of the Internet.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the cats only survived for three more weeks.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, I’m still alive.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the 2016 Republican Presidential candidate will win by one vote.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ Jesus was like, “Screw it, make ’em wait another 2,000+ years.”
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ God became an atheist.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Cult of Namira had a week-long banquet. ‪#‎Skyrim‬
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I didn’t see Martial Law declared so that Obama could have a Third Term.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ my guns are now in less-responsible hands: the police.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ everyone attending my funeral has to listen to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (ironically) for two hours on loop.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I won’t see Star Wars XLIX: Red Zone Force
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I can now haunt Fred Phelps with taunts of “God hates nags.”
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I found Waldo and Carmen Sandiego: they’re sitting next to me in Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • 1. The 1 driver you'll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don't want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

    1. The 1 driver you’ll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don’t want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

  • And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI'd all their stunts.

    And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI’d all their stunts.

  • Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

    Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

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BWAHAHA 12/13 – 12/19:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/13 – 12/19: Very slow week. I had a Vapemas party and spent most of my free time getting ready for the holidays and enjoying playing PS3 with my daughter who is visiting from college. I didn’t do any captions this week or participate in @Midnight’s Hashtag Wars. But hey, I accomplished a bunch of shit in my real life!

OTHER STUFF:

  • Story Time: The Mass Casualty Curse
  • Fireball with Redds (or Angry Orchard). OMG!
  • Oh yeah! #Fireball

    Oh yeah! #Fireball

  • Just caught the dog pretending to eat so that the cat wouldn’t eat her food. PRETENDING TO EAT! Seriously?!?!?
  • Finally! Some Christmas lights set to good music! VNV Nation is amazing and you should check ’em out!
  • Daughter: “How many of those did I have?” / Me: “5” / Her: “That’s it?” / Me: “That’s one shy of a six-pack.” / Her: “Oh yeah.” #Newbie21yo
  • If I was in Nebraska looking at the clouds I’m seeing I’d say it would snow later today. But I’m in Alabama… so who effin’ knows.
  • I set the microwave for four minutes, but I’m pretty sure it took eight.
  • In a few more days I’ll stick to tradition and watch my favorite Christmas movie of all time: Die Hard. (Followed by Lethal Weapon)
  • If you joined Facebook five days ago, are a member of 400 groups, and try to join my groups… I know you’re a spammer. ‪#‎InstantBlock‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I met you while looking for my girlfriend at the battered women’s shelter. ‪#‎MissedConnections
  • North Korean drones prepare for the backlash of #InterviewGate‬

    North Korean drones prepare for the backlash of #InterviewGate‬

BWAHAHA: 1/11 – 1/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/11 – 1/17: So this week a kind and loving Christian decided to key my car. Now, while I can’t prove it 100% that it was a Christian, I can with practical certainty say it wasn’t a Buddhist, Hindu, Wiccan, or Atheist. There were three cars in my driveway and mine was the only car targeted and they tried to X out my license plate, which says ATHE1ST. Now, maybe I’m just wrongheaded here, but is vandalizing my car really the way to bring me to god? I mean, if you want me to believe in your god, then vandalizing my car is the way to do it, right? No, wait, that actually reinforces my view that believers are delusional. I mean, if your god is so all powerful, then why does he need you to key my car when he can just strike me dead at any time he wants? Then again… kinda hard to kill me when he doesn’t exist.

1/11

I think we should deregulate Coal some more. I mean, deregulation clearly worked in West Virginia!

1/12

Love Is Like Snow

I made an illegal lane change and ran a red light right in front of a police officer. He did nothing. Decided against the illegal U-Turn.

1/13

My thermostat says it’s 73 in the house. I think it’s lying.

Desperation leads to strange things…

20140113a

Possible causes: 1) projectile vomiting, 2) exploding soda, 3) murder, or 4) Gallagher performance. Or perhaps, Gallagher, while performing in the car, caused a soda can to explode, which hit a passenger in the face, killing him, and the other passengers were then so grossed out they projectile vomited everywhere. The driver then murdered Gallagher.

20140113b

My spicy Thai peanut sauce has been sitting in ghost peppers for 96 hours now. HOLY FUCK!!! Call the Fire Department!

North Korea announced its new drone program today.

20140113c

Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Llamageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? Yes, Lamaggedon it!

20140113d

Critical Eye Podcast: E041, Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Hugo Chavez: Under-Reported Headlines

Yes, Hugo Chavez is dead, but there were some under-reported headlines that came out of his death:

Sarah Palin reports, “I can see his corpse from my back yard.”

Kathryn Bigelow disappointed to learn Seal Team Six didn’t kill him, ending her new movie plans.

Dick Cheney insists Venezuela hiding WMD’s in Chavez’s coffin: Colin Powell prepares UN speech to prove it.

Two eyewitnesses see Chavez leave the building with Elvis.

Israel apologizes, saying, “Our bad, we thought he was a former Nazi in disguise.”

Russian KGB apologizes, saying, “Our bad, we meant to poison that other guy in the hospital.”

Donald Trump demands long-form death certificate.

United States formerly admits to having a secret cancer drone.

Bane upset: didn’t give Chavez permission to die.

Chavez corpse still getting more pussy than Aquaman.

Sad Dr. Seuss

Sad Dr. Suess was trending on Twitter, so I felt obligated to contribute to the misery that was taking place.

Why do you cut yourself in such a way? Because the bullies call me gay. #SadDrSeuss

I didn’t wear a condom when I had sex. Now I fork out child support Checks. #SadDrSeuss

My father got to see men go to the moon. I got to see the bubble go boom. #SadDrSeuss

“Oh look at that beauty fire in the sky,” said the Brontosaurus before he died. #SadDrSeuss

I went go to dip it in the wick, but she said I had a little dick. #SadDrSeuss

I wanted my country to go far, but we kept electing Republitards. #SadDrSeuss

I wanted to roll on waves on a ship, but only had a Triumph rolling in shit. #SadDrSeuss

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a drone! Now I have no home. #SadDrSeuss

I went to a priest for advice on a guilt trip, but he gave me more than a tip. #SadDrSeuss

I made a wish on a Hollywood star, now I’m in jail for taking stalking too far. #SadDrSeuss

Went to Los Angeles to check out the scene and was accidentally shot by the LAPD. #SadDrSeuss

At the airport stall that guy’s foot was over the edge, luckily it was just Larry Craig. #SadDrSeuss

Found out I was adopted by another, so I put a request for likes on Facebook asking, “Are you my Mother?” #SadDrSeuss

I saw that guy Rodney King get beat. And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street . #SadDrSeuss

She said my tongue was in the know then told me, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” #SadDrSeuss

Last month I didn’t put a condom on my tip, now I’ve got the horrible drip. #SadDrSeuss

Oh the stories you will tell when at night they close the cell. Behind the bars with guards away, oh the gay games we will play. #SadDrSeuss

Religious morality they tried to sell by telling me I’d go to hell. But logic showed a better way to engage the world and behave. #SadDrSeuss

One fist, two fist, three fist, four, oh you’re such a dirty whore. #SadDrSeuss

Turns out The Onion had to punt for calling a nine-year-old girl a cunt. #SadDrSeuss