BWAHAHA 4/11 – 4/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/11 – 4/17: I hate going to the doctor’s office. Primary reason is money. Other reasons are all the lost time sitting in waiting rooms; the high probability that the doctor is going to tell me to do what I’m already fucking doing because I have 43 years of experience dealing with sickness, injuries (oh, and all that EMT training and working in a fucking hospital), etc.; the view of other sick people (seriously, hospitals and clinics are fucking depressing); the pretty damn good chance that a doc-in-the-box or ER doc (because that’s where I have to go since it takes weeks to get an appointment with my “regular” doctor, who I actually only see when I need a fucking physical) is just going to give me antibiotics without even knowing if I have a bacterial or viral problem, thus taking a huge risk of further creating antibiotic resistant bacteria (newsflash creationists, if evolution wasn’t true, we’d all still be using Penicillin); lastly, the chance that I could catch some other bacteria or virus from some asshole in the waiting room who doesn’t know how to cover his fucking mouth when he coughs in public. So yeah, fuck doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. So with that being said… when I do go to the doctor, you know it’s really bad and probably a 90% chance that the zombiepocalypse would have started if I had not gone.

OTHER STUFF:

• Shaving your head while sweating is like mowing the grass when it’s wet. #LessonsLearned
• Since we know psychic powers are bullshit, why are we so surprised when predictive text fails.
• Drenched in sweat, covered in dirt, metal shavings, WD-40, wood chips, and ant eggs. Yep, I’d call that a productive day.
• I’m so sick & miserable right now that I think I’d accept an offer of heroin at this point. UGH!
• Sickness therapy: water, hot tea with honey, glass of Fireball.
• I can’t tell if I put too much cayenne, jalapeno, habanero, or ghost pepper in the sausage.

@HSVCOMEDY #HASHTAGWARS:

• You’re so fine if I had a heart attack right now, I’d totally Die Hard! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You wanna join my Breakfast Club? Join the ranks of those I’ve eaten breakfast with the morning after? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I feel like doing a little spelunking. Wanna play Raiders of the Lost Ark? #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• Wanna see my Excalibur? Then you can be my Princess Bride! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• You really light my St. Elmo’s Fire! #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• If we go go out, there are 3 rules: no bright lights, don’t get me wet, and don’t feed me after midnight. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy
• I can tell with you that I won’t just need a condom, but a Full Metal Jacket. #MovieTitlePickUpLines @hsvcomedy

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  This is how the Apocalypse starts…

• 

  Thanks to this picture, no innocent people were charged with the murder of Bob.

• 

  What video game is about to become real life?

BWAHAHA 12/13 – 12/19:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/13 – 12/19: Very slow week. I had a Vapemas party and spent most of my free time getting ready for the holidays and enjoying playing PS3 with my daughter who is visiting from college. I didn’t do any captions this week or participate in @Midnight’s Hashtag Wars. But hey, I accomplished a bunch of shit in my real life!

OTHER STUFF:

• Story Time: The Mass Casualty Curse
• Fireball with Redds (or Angry Orchard). OMG!

• 

  Oh yeah! #Fireball

• Just caught the dog pretending to eat so that the cat wouldn’t eat her food. PRETENDING TO EAT! Seriously?!?!?
• Finally! Some Christmas lights set to good music! VNV Nation is amazing and you should check ’em out!
• Daughter: “How many of those did I have?” / Me: “5” / Her: “That’s it?” / Me: “That’s one shy of a six-pack.” / Her: “Oh yeah.” #Newbie21yo
• If I was in Nebraska looking at the clouds I’m seeing I’d say it would snow later today. But I’m in Alabama… so who effin’ knows.
• I set the microwave for four minutes, but I’m pretty sure it took eight.
• In a few more days I’ll stick to tradition and watch my favorite Christmas movie of all time: Die Hard. (Followed by Lethal Weapon)
• If you joined Facebook five days ago, are a member of 400 groups, and try to join my groups… I know you’re a spammer. ‪#‎InstantBlock‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• I met you while looking for my girlfriend at the battered women’s shelter. ‪#‎MissedConnections

• 

  North Korean drones prepare for the backlash of #InterviewGate‬

BWAHAHA: 12/14 – 12/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/14 – 12/20: This week I was in Florida helping my Dad move. During the middle of that he ended up in the hospital for almost the entire week with a horrible bout of kidney stones and the start of kidney failure. Doctors and science prevailed and he is on the road to recovery. My week in Florida was made fun by the idiocy of Q-Tips: you know, older drivers where all you can see is the puff of white cotton sticking up above the driver’s seat. How fucking hard it is to do the speed limit when merging? I found myself doing my best (and by best I mean horrible) impersonation of Samuel Jackson, “Cruise control motherfucker, do you use it?!?!?!?!” I don’t want you to go over the speed limit, but for the love of whatever gods do not exist, can you at least do the fucking speed limit? Is there a law that says if you’re handicap or over the age of 65 that you have to do at least five under? Oh, and don’t even get me started on idiots slamming on their brakes when they see a police officer. Newsflash morons, you only have to break to the speed limit. If the speed limit is 70, why the fuck are you breaking to 60? FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!! Okay… I feel better now.

12/15

The woman at the next table sounds like a female Deepak Chopra. Kill me now.

He’s feeling better and the fool wants to watch a Lifetime movie… about hospitals.

12/16

Feeling the need to watch my favorite Christmas movie: Die Hard.

Harvard finals are ‘da bomb!

Lesson I learned today: when life gets hard, call in a bomb threat.

70-year-old woman in the car in front of me is head banging to Quiet Riot. #FloridaLife #StllRockin

Not sure why they are endangered, I’ve seen plenty of man tease here in Florida.

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, that he hired Greenpeace as a bodyguard to protect it against Japanese whalers. #HollywoodBabbleOn

But how will we find Baby Jesus?

Okay men, time to start flying in formation: even going to the bathroom together so we all look good. (Cheerleader Effect)

Meanwhile… on the set of Star Wars VII at Disney Studios…

12/17

Dad has to go to a nursing home for a few weeks rehab. A home for nurses sounds like fun!

So my Dad has to go to a nursing home. I’m jealous. I’d love to breastfeed all day.

Is this legitimate Sexasaurus Rex science?

So that is where they come from! Or is this just shameless self-promotion?

Is there a law I don’t know about that requires handicap drivers to go at least five under the speed limit? #RetiredFlorida

This is the problem with the world today: the over-objectification of snow.

12/18

I was on ReapSow Radio. Listen to the archive.

Is Duck Dynasty that boring?

I can’t tell if this is an “Oh shit!” or a “Watch my awesome!”

12/19

Always check for reflective surfaces when watching porn or hentai. If not… BUSTED!

If baseball is a metaphor for sex, then I must be a sports commentator, because I’m not a player! Sometimes I’m the third-base coach.

12/20

Duck Dynasty is scripted and fabricated – so once again Christians are defending a work of fiction.

Dirty Santa gift ready. Cheap and easy. The gift… not me. Okay, me too.

Do you think whoever invented the word diarrhea intentionally wanted it to sound like “dire rear?”

Mud jumping would be awesome if the fashion was better.

I told you I was cheap… only $.25!

A friend asked if he could swipe a credit card in my rear. I told him there was a $3 minimum purchase on credit cards.

I wonder how many people stand at the bottom waiting for the movie to start…