BWAHAHA: 2/1 – 2/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/1 – 2/7: I got to spend the beginning of the week in Fort Myers and Naples, Florida, where I enjoyed 85 degree weather for a few days. After being stuck in ice in the Florida panhandle and arctic temperatures in northern Alabama, it was a refreshing change. I even got a bit of sunburn on my driving elbow. My friends were mad at me for posting about it on Facebook. Jealous fuckers.

Then there was the Super Bowl. There really wasn’t anything super about it this year: the commercials sucked, the Broncos sucked (fuck ‘em), the halftime show sucked. The best part was watching the Seahawks finally win a Super Bowl after waiting 30 years for it! No, I take that back, the best part was watching all the Broncos fans whine.

2/1

Obligatory prison selfie.

I got divorced and now all my friends are getting married. You’re welcome, fuckers! #OfficialFifthWheel

2/2

I had to listen to the 1st Quarter on the radio while driving. Felt weird until I saw other drivers cheering when I did. #SuperBowl

Oh no, I like football! The horror! C’mon, sport shaming people? Really? Fuck you. #SuperBowl

Seattle Seahawks should hire Manning to be their QB, since he keeps throwing them the football. #SuperBowl

Singing America the Beautiful in foreign languages Coke? Oh, that’s gonna piss off the Conservatards. #SuperBowl

Coke sings American the Beautiful in foreign languages & now a Cosmos ad? Poor conservatards got it rough this #SuperBowl.

Anyone else remember when Halftime Shows were actually shows and not mini concerts? #SuperBowl

When did the Temptations get a new singer? #HalftimeShow

Called it! #CokeRage

Okay, maybe the Broncos smoked too much pot before coming on the field… #SuperBowl

This is just a fucking slaughter! Kinda feel bad for the Broncos… wait, no I don’t. #SuperBowl

“Is there anything more American than America?” – Chrysler
That’s a trick question! The answer is Soviet Russia! #SuperBowl

Broncos fans be like, it’s playing at sea level, the field was wet, or other excuses. #DenverChoke

So what are they going to do with all the unused Denver confetti? #SuperBowl

Donate the unused Denver confetti to New Jersey homeless people to use as insulation in their cardboard boxes! #SuperBowl

Downtown Seattle…

Chevrolet just gave a truck away to someone who could afford to buy 10,000 of them on his own. #SuperBowl

American football team Broncos found dead in their Manhattan apartment with a needle in their arm, police say.

Philip Seymour Offman

Curt Clawson (Republican Congressional candidate for Florida) just said, “I’m a baller” on the news.

2/3

Lesson Hollywood hasn’t learned yet: making good actors play evil people makes them kill themselves.

Ever notice how the loudest people complaining about “speak English in ‘Murica” are ones who haven’t mastered English themselves?

I enjoyed 82 degree weather with 62% humidity today. Even got a bit of a tan on my driving arm. #UpYoursPolarVortex!

Every time I think I’ve encountered all the porn on the Internet… someone invents a new fetish.

2/4

I feel your pain, kid. I feel your pain.

I’m pretty sure I got a sunburn today out in the 86 degree weather. #DamnYouPolarVortex!

All your bench are belong to tree.

I got nothin’… Anyone explain this?

Wait, they sell this now? WTF Kroger & Publix? Get on it!

I love how Nye keeps referring to “traditional scientists” and “how science is done out there.” #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham, if the natural laws didn’t change (because god made them), then how come rainbows didn’t exist until after the flood? #NyeVsHamDebate

Bill Nye is struggling to not make a WTF face. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, I’m going to ignore all your questions by pointing out the one question you didn’t answer. #NyeVsHamDebate

Ken Ham be like, “Depends on what your definition of IS is.” #NyeVsHamDebate

My car has made an appearance in several people’s Facebook Lookback videos. Can’t decide if that’s weird or cool.

2/5

We always look forward to getting back to our beds after being on the road, but it dawned on me tonight that we look forward to our brand of toilet paper as well, even if we don’t consciously think about it.

2/7

12 Banshees, 8 Giant Skeletons, 8 Sekeleton Mage, and a giant Undead Dragon in one room: game’s fucking with me now.

If everyone keeps making fun of Russia over #Sochi, they’re gonna launch their nukes. You’ll start WWIII, kid!

BWAHAHA: 9/14 – 9/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/14 – 9/20:

9/14

DragonCon helped me realize I wasn’t a racist: I wanted to have sex with every female alien species I ran into.

Lot of hippies at Flying Monkey tonight. The tiny conservative in me was uncomfortable, yet slightly turned on.

Imagine how rich we’d be if we got paid to deal with drama.

May have to prostitute myself out to get the Blu-Ray Unrated Cut of WWZ next week.

9/15

Coca-Cola weight loss commercials. /facepalm

I fully expect a flood of points in the Bronco’s game.

Yeah, the Broncos need to get their head out from under the water.

 It’s like the Broncos are just dog-paddling with the current, hoping to grab a tree until a rescue comes along.

9/16

I love it when people ask us to pray after a tragedy, when their god already made it clear he don’t give a shit.

Why are people upset that #MissAmerica is an Indian-American? It’s more controversial that NY women won two years in a row! #StopNYMonopoly

Dear reporter, saying, “I’m going to ask my cameraman to shoot down this sidewalk,” sounds weird when covering a mass shooting.

9/18

With everyone talking about hookers, drugs, gangsters, etc. with #GTA5, I bet the NSA is going fucking nuts.

9/19

How come Facebook lets me “poke” but not “punch?”

9/20

@RckBeyondBelief pointed out that “Foxhole Atheists” doesn’t really apply to Navy and asked what atheists in the Navy should be called. My replies: Godless Semen, Godless of the Seven Seas, and Fleet Atheists.