BWAHAHA: 3/1 – 3/7

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/1 – 3/7: This week was a pretty slow week for me. I was distracted by my real job and by Suzie (Suzie, you’re amazing!).  I did get to rant and rave against skinny people who always seem to want to offer advice to us fat folks when we go on diets and exercise. He skinny person, you have no fucking clue, so fuck off.

3/1

I love it when people tell me, “That food is bad for you.” No shit! Now tell me about this Jesus guy I’ve never heard of!

What happened to “Jesus Take the Wheel?”

What happens when you buy cheap funeral arrangements…

Libertarian roads… part II.

3/2

Dopamine crash in 3… 2… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lucky for me, Parmesan cheese tastes amazing when it’s slightly burnt.

Beth be like, “You’re not my dad!” #TWD

But I like peach schnapps! #TWD

Bad moonshine can make you go blind, just like masturbation. #TWD

Daryl came so close to a reacharound. #TWD

I think ‘Walking On Sunshine’ by Katrina & the Waves should have been playing while the house burned. #TWD

3/3

If you’re gonna party, then dammit, PARTY! (She probably has a degree in Marketing)

Random snowflakes falling in downtown Huntsville. Someone punch Mother Nature in the crotch!

Apparently the Zombiepocalypse might be happening on my street. That’s a shitload of emergency vehicles…

Fighting the urge to sing my playlist while at the gym.

3/4

I’m pretty sure my friends have a pool going on when I change my relationship status. Dicks!

Suzie’s dog vomited all over me. That’s a sign of approval, right?

3/5

Guy pulled off a great move to avoid rear ending me at 60. So I have him a thumbs up. #MissedConnections

3/6

New FedEx home delivery…

Physics: sometimes you just can’t explain that shit.

I made the shirt I’ll be wearing at DragonCon this year (buy your own here):

BWAHAHA: 2/22 – 2/28

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/22 – 2/28: Well this week we survived Ragnarok, another failed religious prediction of the end of the world. And so, we are back to waiting… once again. I had my first date in a very long time this week as well, which turned into a second date, and a third date, and a fourth date, and a trip together. I’m pretty fucking happy right now, so that means I’ve been a little nicer to anti-vax morons and creationists this week.

2/22

I’m not sure if I should celebrate Ragnarok or National Margarita Day. Vikings drank Margaritas, right? #Ragnarok

Today, the Ice Giants come back to ruin the world! #Ragnarok #NationalMargaritaDay

Just experienced the messenger version of the awkward silence. Weird.

I ate more Indian food in one sitting than several villages in India eat in a single day. #FirstWorldAwesome

I can’t decide if transcrypt is a crypt that is movable or one that’s sexually flexible.

2/23

Having a hoarder say, “Sorry about the mess” is like having Hitler say, “Sorry about that Jew.”

2/24

I’m pretty sure my thermostat is a compulsive liar.

Who ‘ya gonna call? Not Harold Ramis! Keep on Ghostbustin’ Harold! We’ll miss ‘ya!

If there’s a Heaven… I hope Harold Ramis is up there kicking Slimer’s ass right now.

If Gov. Brewer signs SB102, then straight supporters should dress like the Village People when going out to dinner.

Post what you eat: food woo posts on your thread in 3… 2… 1…

I’m pretty sure Jesus masturbates. That’s what rainbows are. And a double rainbow? Oh yeah, Second Coming!

Apparently some people still do read the newspaper.

The headline says, “Twin Peaks now online.”

It’s a pretty well-rounded newspaper.

I wonder if it has a classifieds section.

Sometimes you have to read between the lines to get to the meat of a story.

That must be the newspaper from Butte, MT.

It’s mostly opinions and editorials.

New God billboard proposal: “I haven’t been laid in 2,000 years.” – God

This Easter I’m going to walk around with a t-shirt that says, “I voted for Pontius Pilate.” (Oh yeah, I created it!)

2/26

Winter has been long and hard. Someone take away Father Nature’s Viagra.

Does a hairy fetishist shout, “Show me your pits!” (followed by, “Pits or GTFO!”)

“It’s a dry heat” just means you need more anal lube in Arizona.

Finally saw Gravity. It would have been better if she had died at the end. From a shark attack.

2/27

I think it’s great that the fight against gay marriage is actually what is helping move gay marriage forward.

After a careful search for clues, we have successfully identified the Tea Party senator’s seat.

She’s not just voluptuous, she’s voluptuass!

I was told that I was a gateway drug. Still trying to figure out what I’m a gateway to.

My friends suggested: Mexican food, Hell, bad synthpop, and bear & cub relationships. They know me all to well.

He meant to do that…

2/28

Tonight was awesome, but I felt like I was back in junior high. It was cute. Lol

This Senior Citizens Center is much more cost effective…

BWAHAHA: 11/9 – 11/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/9 – 11/15: Great time this week with friends. Friends who can enjoy a great laugh, can make you laugh, and laugh with you and sometimes at you, these are the friends who I cherish the most. Announced this week, I’ll be performing at Comedy Rush on 12/6 at the Rush Nightclub in Huntsville, Alabama! Details to come!

11/9

Just sang What a Wonderful World in my Louis Armstrong voice. My vocal chords hate me.

I invented a drink tonight called the Smurfette Gusher. Yeah, that kind of gush.

11/10

Lady in front of me ran into car in front of her in drive-thru. Neither got out of their cars. Weird.

My battery is dead. Breaking out into song, “Stranded At the Laundromat” all John Travolta style!

Of course the McRib comes back after I start my new diet.

I bought lighter shoes so that when I weighed myself I would think I’d lost more weight.

11/11

Now I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas!

11/12

Today the arbitrary numbers of 11/12/13 14:15:16 will come up and people will get oddly excited about it.

I step outside every once in a while so I can better appreciate how warm my house actually is.

11/13

I don’t think rappers who names themselves “Yung __” or “Young __” are very confident about a long-lasting career.

Tonight, a friend of mine reminded me of how old I am: he never experienced the Cold War. Weird.

Oh Facebook, you temptress! I don’t live in NYC and I doubt the owner of that butt lives there, either. And should I “Create an Ad Like This for The Critical Eye Podcast” like it says?

Life: TL;DR

11/14

“Along Comes Mary” by Bloodhound Gang. #JesusJukeBox

POLICE: Jesus arrested after participating in communion. Suspect is charged with auto-cannibalism.

I’m confused: Is autoeroticism self love or fucking a car?

Autoerotic-asphyxiation: masturbating in the garage with the car running.
If you open the garage door when the car is running, then you kinda miss the point of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Oh, 1970’s and your silly clothing. Should I forgive my mother for dressing me like this? #throwbackthursday
My Mom’s defense, “What other 18 months old wore guess jeans and a guess leather belt.” Okay, I forgive her.

The best part about Fall is that no one can sneak up on you.

There is nothing to see here… keep on moving. #throwbackthursday
I’ve always labeled this photo as “The Unknown Comic,” but my Mom told me the story behind this photo after posting it. I got into my grandmother’s alcohol and was drunk off my ass. My mother of course advised my grandmother to put the alcohol up higher. So I said, “Well, I guess I should now label it “The Unknown Drunk,” to which my Mom replied, “No trust me, you were very comical.”

11/15

Had to use a fiber optic cable to get a clog out of the sink. That was an expensive unclogging. I threw out all my metal hangers after watching Mommy Dearest.

Started raining. Ambulance sirens in 3… 2… 1…

We’re often like blind men in a diamond mine: not realizing the value of that which is right in front of us.

This is what happens after I host a party at my house.

BWAHAHA: 11/2 – 11/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/2 – 11/8: This was a crazy party week for me. We played Karaoke Against Humanity, where you play around of Cards Against Humanity and after the winner is picked, the reader picks the worst card. The owner of the worst card then has to sing a random karaoke song. The songs were numbered instead of listed by artist/title. The loser picked a number out of a hat and then sang the corresponding song number. We thought it would be a small turnout, but we had 20+ people show up. It was a fucking blast and loads of laughs! Not to mention, I’m still emotionally distraught over Carol and Rick breaking up. Sigh…

11/2

C’mon Big Pharma! Make an anti-stupid pill already! There are soooooooo many people that have the stupid disease!

11/4

After reading the news I almost want to support Eugenics: then I realize we might accidentally kill smart people.

This program depicts highly trained professionals having sex. Do not attempt without getting paid for it.

11/6

Tonight I met a Latina from Brooklyn: she spoke with a Spanish & Brooklyn accent. I’ll call it Sprooklyn. It was cute.

Why did the tornado cross the road?
To kill the chicken.

When the Chinese invade America, most Americans will just think there’s a tornado on the way.

11/7

“Woman’s 16 cats consume her dead body to stay alive.” Suddenly I like cats a lot more.
“Be a Fancy Feast for homeless cats. All donations tax-deductible.”
“We have the purrrrrfect way to dispose of your body!”
I’d rather be eaten by ferocious penguins

An ophthalmologist’s office is a site for sore eyes. #ThatsSoPunny

11/8

The confirmation bias is strong with this one…

Ah, that time of year when you mow the leaves instead of the grass.

Once you’ve reached a high enough level that you can kill a Chimera in two seconds… kinds makes the game boring.

Friday night…
Just got paid…
All my money went to bills…
Ain’t gonna get laid…
(Someone asked me if one of my bills was for getting laid, to which I responded, “No, but maybe it should be. Hell, it’s gonna cost me dinner, movie, gas, and all that shit to take a woman out with no guarantee of sex and then throw in all the fucking strings and emotional bullshit roller-coaster fucktardidness that goes with dating… cheaper to get a hooker and none of that other bullshit to go with it.”)

Facebook wants to know if I want to meet a cougar. At my age, I’m scared to think about that. Then again…
I’m fat, bald, divorced, and 42: I’m not that picky anymore.
I was thinking the other day how many cougars I dated and had sex with when I was in high school. I should mention that I went to Canyon Springs High School, home of the Cougars.

Dating & Electronics

I’ve decided that dating is a lot like buying electronic devices. I know that seems like a weird comparison, but let’s look at how this pans out:

1. Sometimes an electronic is bad right out of the box.

2. Often times you get sucked in by the bells and whistles only to realize after buying it that it’s a cheap piece of plastic crap.

3. You often buy the cheapest one and look online for the best deals. You’re usually disappointed, but you keep going back to that weird auction site anyway. Because hey, you just might win the lottery and actually get a good product off there one day!

4. You realize quickly that refurbished is just a fancy way of saying, “The previous owner used and abused this product.”

5. You’re always impressed with your new electronic, but after awhile that newness wears off and you want the latest model.

6. If you’re lucky, you’ll stumble upon an electronic that’s built to last for a lifetime. Or at least until the seven year itch.

Keep buying. Sooner or later you’ll find that perfect electronic device. Or not.