BWAHAHA 7/18 – 11/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!

What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!

OTHER STUFF

  • Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
  • In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”
  • And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

    And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

  • Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie​ (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
  • My car is in The Chive today! Check out #19 on “That’ll Buff Out.”
  • Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

    Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

  • Teaching Suzie​ to play Skyrim was an adventure. Watching her play… well, let’s just say my stamina and patience bars ran dry.
  • I can’t wait until Obama’s fifth term when he FINALLY takes everyone’s guns, makes abortions mandatory, and outlaws Christianity!
  • Upstairs bathroom has a line of thirty people. I go downstairs. Only one in the bathroom. #Sheeple
  • @StateFarm asked me, “What kind of cake will they serve at your retirement?”
    • I’m pretty sure it’ll be a funeral cake. #LifeGoals
  • If you’re a bad dancer, just go to a Charismatic Church to dance: no one will notice how bad you are. #Camouflage
  • Never forget 911! It saves lives. Operators are standing by!
  • The irony of 9/11 Truthers is that they’re not.
  • Amazing how passive aggressive yard sale shoppers are. It’s $.50. Just buy the damn thing. LOL
  • I can't tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

    I can’t tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

  • The problem with listening to Industrial Music is having to constantly turn the radio off. Is that weird sound on the CD or your car?
  • I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

    I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

  • All future Presidential debates should not just have a moderator, but a fact-checker, who instantly calls candidates out on lies & bullshit.
  • My typehoes have ingreased exponinshooly as the peace of glaz stuck in my indicks fingrrrr gets moar and moar infecktid.
  • I shall power wash my sidewalk in the rain. That way I won’t notice the power washer is soaking me.
  • Wait, Woolworth's still exists?

    Wait, Woolworth’s still exists?

  • Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

    Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

  • I find it amusing that the Alabama Beverage Control has recipes on its web page and price list for stores. #StateSupportOfAlcoholism
  • Woman in line has clearly Googled herself to “expert” on Alzheimers and Dementia. Problem is, she’s completely full of shit.
  • We’ve all encountered this idiot in parking lots. Don’t be this idiot.
  • I learned today that the Japanese have a term similar to the American “Butterface:” Bakku-shan (pretty behind but not front) #ShallowWorld
  • You’d think that almost 45 years on the planet I’d have this pancake flipping thing down. Nope. I eat pancake-like bites. #DoingitWrong
  • At the Chinese Buffet my Godzilla roar ring tone sounds. Table next to me loses it laughing so hard. Racists; Godzilla was Japanese!
  • Damn, I think I put too much alcohol in the praline milkshake… nope… no I didn’t. Any amount is just right. #PreDebateDrinking
  • Just saw someone spell chasin’ as chasen. Awww, isn’t Alabama education so cute!
  • Dear creators of The Flash… visitation phones in prisons are recorded. The DOC knows who The Flash is.
  • The news reporting that a 3.5 occurred in California is like the news reporting that it rained in the Rain Forest. #SlowNewsDay
  • Overheard at Kroger, “Remember spitting the seeds out? Now watermelon is seedless. That’s unnatural.” #TheStupidItHurts
  • That might have been the fakest polite customer service rep I’ve ever talked to.
  • 6'2 fat man sleeping in a 4' Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

    6’2 fat man sleeping in a 4′ Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

  • Hello Austin! I’m here. First up, Whataburger!
  • Having a Whataburger two miles from the apartment may become problematic. #FirstWorldProblems #Austin
  • Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

    Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

  • CVS Rep: What’s your birthday?, Me: 3/12/71, CVS Rep: 1971?, Me: Umm…..
  • Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

    Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

  • The beginning of The Last Witch Hunter is scenes from The Lord of the Rings. Then you see a massive Groot.
  • Staff, “Would you like a complimentary Miller Lite?”
    • Me, “No thanks.”
    • GF, “Why not?
    • Me, “Free isn’t always good.”
  • Next time you make a cappuccino at home, add a teaspoon of Swiss Miss hot chocolate to it. BAM! You’re welcome.
  • Who's the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

    Who’s the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

  • What on earth is that yippy little fucking dog barking at all day? Is it a illegal to slip valium into the neighbor’s dog’s food?
  • Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

    Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

  • The Internet is abuzz about aliens out west because the Internet is too stupid to use Google for 2 minutes to learn it’s just a rocket. SMH
  • Is there a point where Thea Queen dies so she’ll stop being such an annoying character? #Arrow
  • When in uniform and someone wished me a Happy Veteran’s Day, I’d respond, “It’s Veteran’s Day not Active Duty Day. Go thank a homeless vet.”
  • We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit' can't tell me what to do no more!

    We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit’ can’t tell me what to do no more!

  • THE REFUGEE SITUATION:
    • Remember that time we refused to let the Irish in because of the chance one of them might be an IRA member? Fun times, right?
    • Remember that time the Colonies refused to allow any ships come in from England because one of the passengers might be a British spy? No?
    • Remember when we refused to allow refugees from Kosovo, Yugoslavia, and Macedonia in because one might be a bad person? Those were the days!
    • Remember that time we locked up all the Japanese citizens for fear of one being a spy? Oh wait… we actually did that shit. Never mind.
    • Remember all those Russian refugees and asylum seekers we denied entry because one might be a legit communist or Russian spy? No?
    • Remember all the dangerous Nazis we kept out, refusing to let them be part of the USA and we made sure they didn’t’ touch our space program?
    • Remember when we refused to pick up Vietnamese refugees at the embassy during the evacuation of Vietnam because one might be a commie?
    • Not allowing 10,000 refugees in as one might be a terrorist is like not having sex with 10,000 women as one might have an STD. #TerrorCondom

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

  • I think I’ll use my juicer to make a green juice of water hemlock, white snakeroot, and belladonna. #AllNatural #GreenLife #Organic
  • The problem with having sex with Irish women is you can’t tell if you had sex because of your pickup skills or a bit o’ luck.
  • The problem with having sex with American women is that they all think they’re #1 even though world travelers know otherwise.
  • The problem with having sex with Canadian women is that you have to carry an English condom and a French Tickler at all times.
  • The problem with having sex with Italian women is they like their noodles to be al dente.
  • The problem with having sex with Scottish women is many don’t think they’re strong enough to do the caber toss.
  • The problem with having sex with Greek women is they say they like plain yogurt, but they really don’t.
  • The problem with having sex with French women is they throw in the towel at the first pick up line.
  • The problem with having sex with Egyptian women is they try to get you in on their pyramid scheme.
  • The problem with having sex with Australian women is they make you nervous, but at least take you in and feed you breakfast.
  • The problem with having sex with South African women is they give preference to vanilla positions.
  • The problem with having sex with Icelandic women is is you think they’re Swedish Chef because all they talk about is, “Bjork, Bjork, Bjork.”
  • GOP DEBATE
    • So far, this feels more like a Jerry Springer show than a debate. #GOPDebate #Awkward #UnleadedACan
    • So far, there is a roughly 25% rate of actually answering the question. Masters of political avoidance answers. #GOPDebate
    • Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! #RepublicanMatingCall #GOPDebate
    • Scott Walker was like, “Oh shit, they asked me about #BlackLivesMatter”. Lemme give a BS answer quickly. #GOPDebate
    • Every candidate was like, “Thank God they asked the black guy the race relations question!” #GOPDebate
    • I’m greatly disappointed that FOX News did not give every candidate a chance to out-Jesus the other candidates. #GOPDebate
    • For the next question, how long would you be willing to suck Ronald Reagan ‘ dick? #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
    • They finally asked how long each candidate would suck Reagan’s dick! #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
  • Just seen: open top Jeep, large Confederate flag on PVC, John Deere hat on driver, blaring country music. #StereotypesAreReal
  • I hate chasing girls. I’d rather they just come to me. #TropicalStormEricka
  • I see stores are already putting up Happy Halloween signs. The War on Samhain continues! #ThereIsNoWarOnHolidays
  • FACEBOOK DOWN, POLITICS STYLE:
    • #FacebookDown is an inside job! #NeverForget928 #FacebookTruthers
    • “Don’t blame me for Facebook being down, I’m not in charge of that company!” – Carly Fiorina #FacebookDown
    • “We’ve heard about this #FacebookDown thing. Lots of people talking about it. We’re going to look into it. Build a wall.” – Donald Trump
    • “All those anti Kim Davis memes and gay pride profile pictures has led to #FacebookDown! Praise the White Jesus!” – Mike Huckabee
    • “Oh my bad, did I plan construction on the Facebook network today without notifying Facebook?” – Chris Christie #FacebookDown
    • “#FacebookDown is another piece of evidence pointing to why I’ll bomb Syria if elected.” – Lindsey Graham
    • “I’m not #FacebookDown. I’ve never been, I don’t associate with it, and I don’t approve of that lifestyle because of the Bible.” – Ted Cruz
    • “#FacebookDown is a complete coincidence to my personal email server being down at the same time.” – Hillary Clinton
  • THE WALKING DEAD:
    • Heard of that new horror movie, The Barber of Alexandria? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • At this pace there won’t be any original Alexandrians left for Rick’s to kill. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • I don’t think they have Herd Immunity. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead #ScienceJoke
    • Darth Vader is watching #TWD and was like, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • Zombies be like, “Mmm, Korean buffet!” #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
    • When is Morgan going to do the Crane Kick during his Karate Kid training montage? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • INJURE A FILM:
    • Citizen Cane #InjureAFilm
    • Lawrence of Arabies #InjureAFilm
    • Star Warts #InjureAFilm
    • Apoxalypse Now #InjureAFilm
    • Ataxia Driver #InjureAFilm
    • The Sound of Bruises #InjureAFilm
    • S*M*A*S*H #InjureAFilm
    • Close Encounters of the Third Degree Burn #InjureAFilm
    • Forrest Gimp #InjureAFilm
    • Ben-Hurt #InjureAFilm
    • Dances With Lupus #InjureAFilm
    • A Place in the Sunburn #InjureAFilm
    • E.T. The Extra Terroristrial #InjureAFilm

@MIDNIGHT HASHTAG WARS

  • Oh shit, the Condom broke! #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Are your parents having sex? #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
  • Jar-Jar appears in Force Awakens #ScaryStoryIn5Words #StarWars @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

  • Always be aware of your surroundings.

    Always be aware of your surroundings.

  • 20150724a
  • This might very well be the loneliest picture I've ever seen.

    This might very well be the loneliest picture I’ve ever seen.

  • "Hey, y'all gonna still cut my hair, or what?"

    “Hey, y’all gonna still cut my hair, or what?”

  • There's Sea Doo... then there's Sea Don't.

    There’s Sea Doo… then there’s Sea Don’t.

  • Meanwhile in South Carolina...

    Meanwhile in South Carolina…

  • When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

    When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

  • "We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do."

    “We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do.”

  • Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

    Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

  • 20151104a
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BWAHAHA: 9/20 – 9/26

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 9/20 – 9/26: This was a pretty boring week all in all. First, let me go on a bit of a rant for a second about the Flood Wall Street. Look, I support the idea behind Flood Wall Street, but it is suffering from the same problem that Occupy Wall Street suffered: lack of leadership. This idiotic idea that they have that there should be no leadership is just that: fucking idiotic. That’s the kind of idea that makes my fellow liberals look like crazies. Pick a few core values and messages so everyone stays on point, instead of having some random nut go on a rant about how the military should be banned completely, because that’s totally inline with the message of corporations doing more to help the environment. See, this is what killed Occupy… they didn’t have a core message and intent, and so they attracted all the nutters from the left (9/11 conspiracy theorists, anarchists, etc) and there was no consistent message for either the media or Wall Street to actually focus on. So did we learn that lesson? Apparently not. We’re supposed to be protesting corporations that aren’t doing anything about climate change and protecting natural resources. I am totally behind that message. But it was turned into anti-corporate nonsense, anarchism, anti-GMO, conspiracy theories, etc. There’s no clear or concise message and no true leadership, so a bunch of liberal nutters (yes, my fellow liberals, we have nutters as well) are there making fools of the entire effort. A movement requires leadership and direction that espouses the common core values of the varied opinions under it. When the varied opinions are allowed to have the lead voice, then the core values diminish. It’s the opposite problem of the common cliche: “Too many Indians and not enough Chiefs.”

And on the conservative side of stupidity this week: outrage over President Obama saluting while holding a coffee cup in his hand. This is a classic case of conservative outrage based on their complete ignorance. It’s fake outrage – just for the sake of outrage. None of them said a damn thing when President Bush saluted while holding something or when he did a half-assed salute. Gosh, I wonder why they’re only outraged at President Obama. Here’s a small quote from Snopes.Com over the issue (as a former military person myself, this is accurate), “According to standard military protocol, it is not appropriate for the President of the United States to return salutes from uniformed military personnel because, although the President holds the title of Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. armed forces, he is not himself a member of the military, nor does he wear a uniform. The tradition of U.S. presidents’ returning salutes is a fairly recent one which began with the administration of President Ronald Reagan in 1981.” So take your outrage and shove it back where it belongs. Oh, and stop voting against your best interest. Haven’t you noticed that the states with the worst healthcare, highest high school drop out rates, highest drug use, highest murder rates/capita, highest rape cases, etc. are all in states that are conservative? No? Oh, must be those rage blinders you have on preventing you from seeing actual facts.

Okay, I feel better…

OTHER STUFF:

Clearly 'Need for Speed' wants me to go chasing storms. Too bad there are none around me.

Clearly ‘Need for Speed’ wants me to go chasing storms. Too bad there are none around me.

I realized this weekend that I’ve mistakenly been using carpet cleaner as laundry soap. PRO side: clothes no longer have high traffic marks.

If the Falmer are blind, why do they have torches? ‪#‎GameLogic‬ ‪#‎Skyrim

It takes just as long to load a 20 square foot room as it does to load the entire world map. #GameLogic

I have no dog in tonight’s fight, but I’m gonna side with the Jets because I still haven’t forgiven the Bears for the Superbowl Shuffle.

Wait, did I really just see Hayden Christensen instead of David Prowse at the end of Return of the Jedi? That makes no sense!

Who did this? Who put Ghost Pepper powder in the water the pasta was boiling in? Oh yeah, that was me. #Brilliant

I have Chaser Cabin Fever: no storms for three weeks, and zero clouds for the past three days. All work and no play…

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

#ItsFallBecasue I just saw my first War On Christmas billboard. #ShotsFired @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue I can’t tell the strippers apart anymore because fall clothing is taking over. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue I’m budgeting school lunches again. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue Candy Corn is on sale at CVS. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue Evangelical Christians are already making Trunk Or Treat plans to offset the Dark Lord’s Holiday. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue orange and black clothes made by Indonesian children are on sale at Walmart. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue white girls in yoga pants are ordering pumpkin spice lattes. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue leaves are catching fire in my ride on mower’s belt. #BadFriction @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue there is Canadian geese shit in my back yard. @midnight

#ItsFallBecasue the cotton plantations in Mississippi and Alabama hired a bunch of illegals for less than minimum wage. #NotFunny @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the pool section at Walmart is only one shelf. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause ass cheeks are less visible at #PeopleOfWalmart @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Earth’s Tilt is the Reason for the Season. Because science, beotches! @midnight

#ItsFallBecause bikinis are on sale for $2 and long-sleeved shirts are $85. #SupplyAndDemand @midnight

#ItsFallBecause schools are promoting “Fall Festivals” instead of Halloween Parties. #ImOffendedTooEasily @midnight

#ItsFallBecause because I can actually find a parking spot at Daytona Beach. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the white plantation owners have new black employees. #NFL #NFLDraft #TooSoon @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Australians say it’s Spring, and fuck the Australians. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the Wiccans are suddenly in a good mood. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause the calendar says so, and calendars are always right, just like the Internet. Just ask Pope Gregory. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause my neighbors are complaining about me burning leaves. I gotta hear you fight, you can smell my leaves! @midnight

#ItsFallBecause meth dealers are preparing for indoor sales. #RollTide @midnight

#ItsFallBecause old men are taking off their sandals and putting shoes on their black socks instead. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause it’s 49 degrees in Maine and 86 degrees in Florida. @midnight

#ItsFallBecause Christmas sex babies are being born now. @midnight

LifeInTheSlowLane.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

OilOfOldAge.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

LegendOfZelder.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

AgingBull.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

mantique.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

vegeriatric.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GoldenShowerAge.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

gerontophillia.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

grannytrannie.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

geezerteasers.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

OldMaidOfHonor.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

SpinsterHipster.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

antediluvian.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GetOffMyGrass.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Valhalla.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

BetterGoToChurchJustInCase.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

GraveyardShift.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

re-tired.goodyear.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

ElderlyPeopleMeet.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

YouBreathingTube.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

spinsterest.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Instagranny.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Imguriatrics.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Huffingtonoxygenpost.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Stumblr.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Netaflixions.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

yelpIveFallenAndCantGetUp.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Aol.com (Oh wait, that’s legit) #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Microsoftpenis.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Employment.Walmart.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Buzzgavagefeed.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Godaddyissues.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Lifespandora.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Dropdeadbox.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Tripandfalladvisor.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Deviantoldfart.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Geriatricmail.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Photobucketlist.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Bloomersberg.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

dailynotinmotion.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Stutterstock.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Nordstromthurman.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

MedicalExaminer.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

4gran.org #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Crackedhip.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

Liveleakinmydepends.com #ElderlyWebsites @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Wow, I didn't realize there were so many orphans in this city!

Wow, I didn’t realize there were so many orphans in this city!

Some tourists just have no respect for those of us wanting some peace and quiet!

Some tourists just have no respect for those of us wanting some peace and quiet!

Ten minutes into his routine, the male stripper realized it was the wrong car and the wrong customer.

Ten minutes into his routine, the male stripper realized it was the wrong car and the wrong customer.

#RedBox, so easy and fast you can pick up a new movie after you've realized you need a new movie while having sex.

#RedBox, so easy and fast you can pick up a new movie after you’ve realized you need a new movie while having sex.

I do believe this inflatable is suffering from prolapse.

I do believe this inflatable is suffering from prolapse.

For those really late term abortions...

For those really late term abortions…