BWAHAHA 7/18 – 11/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!

What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!

OTHER STUFF

• Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
• In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”

• 

  And then Date Night took a turn for the worse.

• Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie​ (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
• My car is in The Chive today! Check out #19 on “That’ll Buff Out.”

• 

  Ha! Fooled you USPS! My package of cocaine arrived from China! Just kidding USPS! No, seriously, just kidding.

• Teaching Suzie​ to play Skyrim was an adventure. Watching her play… well, let’s just say my stamina and patience bars ran dry.
• I can’t wait until Obama’s fifth term when he FINALLY takes everyone’s guns, makes abortions mandatory, and outlaws Christianity!
• Upstairs bathroom has a line of thirty people. I go downstairs. Only one in the bathroom. #Sheeple
• @StateFarm asked me, “What kind of cake will they serve at your retirement?”
  • I’m pretty sure it’ll be a funeral cake. #LifeGoals
• If you’re a bad dancer, just go to a Charismatic Church to dance: no one will notice how bad you are. #Camouflage
• Never forget 911! It saves lives. Operators are standing by!
• The irony of 9/11 Truthers is that they’re not.
• Amazing how passive aggressive yard sale shoppers are. It’s $.50. Just buy the damn thing. LOL

• 

  I can’t tell if this $5 was the victim of a violent crime, strip club, or Bronies.

• The problem with listening to Industrial Music is having to constantly turn the radio off. Is that weird sound on the CD or your car?

• 

  I made this to reflect my vision of America! WOOT!

• All future Presidential debates should not just have a moderator, but a fact-checker, who instantly calls candidates out on lies & bullshit.
• My typehoes have ingreased exponinshooly as the peace of glaz stuck in my indicks fingrrrr gets moar and moar infecktid.
• I shall power wash my sidewalk in the rain. That way I won’t notice the power washer is soaking me.

• 

  Wait, Woolworth’s still exists?

• 

  Can we just let the apocalypse happen now and end the stupid?

• I find it amusing that the Alabama Beverage Control has recipes on its web page and price list for stores. #StateSupportOfAlcoholism
• Woman in line has clearly Googled herself to “expert” on Alzheimers and Dementia. Problem is, she’s completely full of shit.
• We’ve all encountered this idiot in parking lots. Don’t be this idiot.
• I learned today that the Japanese have a term similar to the American “Butterface:” Bakku-shan (pretty behind but not front) #ShallowWorld
• You’d think that almost 45 years on the planet I’d have this pancake flipping thing down. Nope. I eat pancake-like bites. #DoingitWrong
• At the Chinese Buffet my Godzilla roar ring tone sounds. Table next to me loses it laughing so hard. Racists; Godzilla was Japanese!
• Damn, I think I put too much alcohol in the praline milkshake… nope… no I didn’t. Any amount is just right. #PreDebateDrinking
• Just saw someone spell chasin’ as chasen. Awww, isn’t Alabama education so cute!
• Dear creators of The Flash… visitation phones in prisons are recorded. The DOC knows who The Flash is.
• The news reporting that a 3.5 occurred in California is like the news reporting that it rained in the Rain Forest. #SlowNewsDay
• Overheard at Kroger, “Remember spitting the seeds out? Now watermelon is seedless. That’s unnatural.” #TheStupidItHurts
• That might have been the fakest polite customer service rep I’ve ever talked to.

• 

  6’2 fat man sleeping in a 4′ Budget rental truck. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy! Goodnight.

• Hello Austin! I’m here. First up, Whataburger!
• Having a Whataburger two miles from the apartment may become problematic. #FirstWorldProblems #Austin

• 

  Uh-oh, look what I found! One more reason to love #Austin!

• CVS Rep: What’s your birthday?, Me: 3/12/71, CVS Rep: 1971?, Me: Umm…..

• 

  Wanna impress your girl? Rent out the entire theater. Or go to a movie no one else wants to see.

• The beginning of The Last Witch Hunter is scenes from The Lord of the Rings. Then you see a massive Groot.
• Staff, “Would you like a complimentary Miller Lite?”
  • Me, “No thanks.”
  • GF, “Why not?
  • Me, “Free isn’t always good.”
• Next time you make a cappuccino at home, add a teaspoon of Swiss Miss hot chocolate to it. BAM! You’re welcome.

• 

  Who’s the butthead who painted all the curb stops the same color as handicap parking?

• What on earth is that yippy little fucking dog barking at all day? Is it a illegal to slip valium into the neighbor’s dog’s food?

• 

  Finally! A Saint Candle I can fully endorse! Thanks to the Smoking Caterpillar on 6th St. #Austin #CharlesDarwin

• The Internet is abuzz about aliens out west because the Internet is too stupid to use Google for 2 minutes to learn it’s just a rocket. SMH
• Is there a point where Thea Queen dies so she’ll stop being such an annoying character? #Arrow
• When in uniform and someone wished me a Happy Veteran’s Day, I’d respond, “It’s Veteran’s Day not Active Duty Day. Go thank a homeless vet.”

• 

  We do what we want. This is Texas. Gummit’ can’t tell me what to do no more!

• THE REFUGEE SITUATION:
  • Remember that time we refused to let the Irish in because of the chance one of them might be an IRA member? Fun times, right?
  • Remember that time the Colonies refused to allow any ships come in from England because one of the passengers might be a British spy? No?
  • Remember when we refused to allow refugees from Kosovo, Yugoslavia, and Macedonia in because one might be a bad person? Those were the days!
  • Remember that time we locked up all the Japanese citizens for fear of one being a spy? Oh wait… we actually did that shit. Never mind.
  • Remember all those Russian refugees and asylum seekers we denied entry because one might be a legit communist or Russian spy? No?
  • Remember all the dangerous Nazis we kept out, refusing to let them be part of the USA and we made sure they didn’t’ touch our space program?
  • Remember when we refused to pick up Vietnamese refugees at the embassy during the evacuation of Vietnam because one might be a commie?
  • Not allowing 10,000 refugees in as one might be a terrorist is like not having sex with 10,000 women as one might have an STD. #TerrorCondom

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

• I think I’ll use my juicer to make a green juice of water hemlock, white snakeroot, and belladonna. #AllNatural #GreenLife #Organic
• The problem with having sex with Irish women is you can’t tell if you had sex because of your pickup skills or a bit o’ luck.
• The problem with having sex with American women is that they all think they’re #1 even though world travelers know otherwise.
• The problem with having sex with Canadian women is that you have to carry an English condom and a French Tickler at all times.
• The problem with having sex with Italian women is they like their noodles to be al dente.
• The problem with having sex with Scottish women is many don’t think they’re strong enough to do the caber toss.
• The problem with having sex with Greek women is they say they like plain yogurt, but they really don’t.
• The problem with having sex with French women is they throw in the towel at the first pick up line.
• The problem with having sex with Egyptian women is they try to get you in on their pyramid scheme.
• The problem with having sex with Australian women is they make you nervous, but at least take you in and feed you breakfast.
• The problem with having sex with South African women is they give preference to vanilla positions.
• The problem with having sex with Icelandic women is is you think they’re Swedish Chef because all they talk about is, “Bjork, Bjork, Bjork.”
• GOP DEBATE
  • So far, this feels more like a Jerry Springer show than a debate. #GOPDebate #Awkward #UnleadedACan
  • So far, there is a roughly 25% rate of actually answering the question. Masters of political avoidance answers. #GOPDebate
  • Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! #RepublicanMatingCall #GOPDebate
  • Scott Walker was like, “Oh shit, they asked me about #BlackLivesMatter”. Lemme give a BS answer quickly. #GOPDebate
  • Every candidate was like, “Thank God they asked the black guy the race relations question!” #GOPDebate
  • I’m greatly disappointed that FOX News did not give every candidate a chance to out-Jesus the other candidates. #GOPDebate
  • For the next question, how long would you be willing to suck Ronald Reagan ‘ dick? #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
  • They finally asked how long each candidate would suck Reagan’s dick! #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
• Just seen: open top Jeep, large Confederate flag on PVC, John Deere hat on driver, blaring country music. #StereotypesAreReal
• I hate chasing girls. I’d rather they just come to me. #TropicalStormEricka
• I see stores are already putting up Happy Halloween signs. The War on Samhain continues! #ThereIsNoWarOnHolidays
• FACEBOOK DOWN, POLITICS STYLE:
  • #FacebookDown is an inside job! #NeverForget928 #FacebookTruthers
  • “Don’t blame me for Facebook being down, I’m not in charge of that company!” – Carly Fiorina #FacebookDown
  • “We’ve heard about this #FacebookDown thing. Lots of people talking about it. We’re going to look into it. Build a wall.” – Donald Trump
  • “All those anti Kim Davis memes and gay pride profile pictures has led to #FacebookDown! Praise the White Jesus!” – Mike Huckabee
  • “Oh my bad, did I plan construction on the Facebook network today without notifying Facebook?” – Chris Christie #FacebookDown
  • “#FacebookDown is another piece of evidence pointing to why I’ll bomb Syria if elected.” – Lindsey Graham
  • “I’m not #FacebookDown. I’ve never been, I don’t associate with it, and I don’t approve of that lifestyle because of the Bible.” – Ted Cruz
  • “#FacebookDown is a complete coincidence to my personal email server being down at the same time.” – Hillary Clinton
• THE WALKING DEAD:
  • Heard of that new horror movie, The Barber of Alexandria? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • At this pace there won’t be any original Alexandrians left for Rick’s to kill. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • I don’t think they have Herd Immunity. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead #ScienceJoke
  • Darth Vader is watching #TWD and was like, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • Zombies be like, “Mmm, Korean buffet!” #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
  • When is Morgan going to do the Crane Kick during his Karate Kid training montage? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
• INJURE A FILM:
  • Citizen Cane #InjureAFilm
  • Lawrence of Arabies #InjureAFilm
  • Star Warts #InjureAFilm
  • Apoxalypse Now #InjureAFilm
  • Ataxia Driver #InjureAFilm
  • The Sound of Bruises #InjureAFilm
  • S*M*A*S*H #InjureAFilm
  • Close Encounters of the Third Degree Burn #InjureAFilm
  • Forrest Gimp #InjureAFilm
  • Ben-Hurt #InjureAFilm
  • Dances With Lupus #InjureAFilm
  • A Place in the Sunburn #InjureAFilm
  • E.T. The Extra Terroristrial #InjureAFilm

@MIDNIGHT HASHTAG WARS

• Oh shit, the Condom broke! #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
• Are your parents having sex? #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
• Jar-Jar appears in Force Awakens #ScaryStoryIn5Words #StarWars @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL

• 

  Always be aware of your surroundings.

• 

• 

  This might very well be the loneliest picture I’ve ever seen.

• 

  “Hey, y’all gonna still cut my hair, or what?”

• 

  There’s Sea Doo… then there’s Sea Don’t.

• 

  Meanwhile in South Carolina…

• 

  When you run out of communion wafers and realize Cheetos are a great substitute for transubstantiation.

• 

  “We count only blue cars. Skip the cracks in the street and ask many questions, like children often do.”

• 

  Can we just start the apocalypse today and end the epidemic of human stupidity?

• 

BWAHAHA 4/25 – 7/17

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/25 – 7/17: Yeah, almost three months in one post. I don’t know why I fell so far behind, except that I was concentrating more on the my storm chasing in the last few months since it was storm “season” here in Alabama. I’ve actually been slacking big time on comedy. I’ve only done a couple of open mics and only one show. Whether or not that changes… we’ll see. Comedy isn’t a full-time adventure for me. I have no desire to leave Huntsville and go on national tours: it’s a hobby. That means I do it when I feel like it, not because I have to. With that said… here’s the last few months of the stuff I did do.

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  My favorite way to do the tip line.

• I want to open a walk-in clinic in San Francisco and call it Baysick Care.

• 

  When you don’t have a shredder, this is how you get rid of papers you can’t throw away.

• Just got done watching E.T., which is the story of a young Jedi who gets left behind on Earth.

• 

  Intentional or unintentional? ‪#‎PlayingWithBalls‬

• Cory brought me back some Blue Flame Moonshine (128 proof). Can’t wait to pass out… I mean try it.

• 

  The cutest picture you’ll ever see me take on the toilet. Diego can sure pick awkward times to get cuddly.

• Study confirms what smart people and non-gullible people already knew.
• My favorite Indian food is tacos.
• I think Michael’s might be confused.
• Mad Max did not give Furiosa permission to die.

• 

  Where’s a wooden stake when you need one?

• From this point forward I will be referring to female Dr. Who fans as Whoters.

• 

  Clearly I’m playing too much ‪#‎Destiny

• Everyone says San Andreas is going to suck. However, it’s about earthquakes, so it gets a free suck pass in my book. Will see it tonight!

• 

  I’m gonna go with misspelled heresy cake. Burn in chocolate hell sinners! City Cafe, Huntsville

• I think The Mattress Firm needs some good competition, so I’m going to open a store across the street called The Mattress Soft.
• Spent 20 minutes looking for my phone. Finally called it from Google Hangouts… and it vibrated in my pocket. Gonna be one of those days!
• I have been asked for my receipt when leaving WalMart twice in two weeks. Did they change their policy to ask white people now?

• 

  Huntsville’s MAGIC (Meteorological Avoidance of Ground Inclement Clouds) Weather Bubble seems to be working just fine today.

• If you’re a member of 78 groups and most of them are some form of buy/sell/trade group, I’m going to assume you’re a spammer and block you from my groups. Even if you’re not… sorry. ‪#‎GuiltyOfProfiling‬
• “Girly Quotes” followed me on Twitter. Probably because I mentioned “wedding” in one of my Tweets. Boy is “Girly Quotes” in for a big surprise!
• If my electric bill stays this high, I may have to convert to Amish.
• When your GF’s not home and you can play your video game as loud as you want. Oh yeah…

• 

  I guess the cat’s hungry.

• My favorite Mexican restaurant is slowly replacing it’s male wait staff with females. I’m good with that, because I like Carne Asada Tacos.
• Listening to crime docs: if you wanna kill someone, don’t get an insurance policy on them and don’t have an affair: dead giveaways of guilt.
• One of the family members just introduced me to his family by calling me a “famous entertainer.” I’ll take that.
• I just need to quit being on time. I’m sitting at a large table by myself again waiting for everyone else.
• When you don’t have to show your ID because the bouncer recognizes you. I may come here too much.
• Cute girl asks to sit at our table. Introduces herself to the guys. Flirts. 8 minutes later, introduces boyfriend as he walks up. ‪#‎Played
• I’m always creeped out when someone recognizes me from FOX news, because that means they “really” pay attention to FOX News.
• Number from Russia calls and hangs up when I answer. Is it a mail order bride, mafia, or Snowden?
• Why does a Dr’s office that specializes in back injuries have shitty chairs and then makes you wait for two hours in those shitty chairs?

• 

  Something seems off here. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I need to up my vitamin intake.

• Blackhawk helicopters circling over the house. Maybe using “pressure cooker” & “explosive diarrhea” in same Tweet wasn’t such a good idea.

• 

  Ready to marry the happy couple. Beautiful day at the Botanical Gardens. I look like a rabbi with the Dr. Who scarf on. Whozel Tov!

• Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone could totally be retooled as a Storm Chaser anthem!
• Tumblr is not working and no one is talking about it! WTF?!?!?!?! Wait… is Tumblr the new MySpace?
• A bat just ran into my windshield. That had to hurt.

• 

  Getting ready to go see JAWS in a theater for its 40th anniversary. Woot!

• Good grief! The seats at this theater are actually smaller than airplane economy seats. Um, hello, obesity epidemic! Upgrade your seats!
• Scientists are talking about a possible sixth mass extinction. I’m cool with that as long as mosquitoes and gnats are included.
• I think the Democrats should run a black female atheist lesbian Socialist hippie. Just for the giggles of watching conservatives react.
• If WalMart removes all confederate flag products from shelves, then what will happen to the ‪#‎PeopleOfWalmart‬ web page? Let’s rethink this!!

• 

  Stores, cities, and states are removing the Confederate Flag. Showing my support by flying the real flag on my house.

• I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling. I will not read the comments on SOCTUS ruling.
• Future Headline: 6/26/2020 – Five Years Later, Bigoted Preachers ‘Still’ Waiting on Government Letter Forcing Them to Perform Gay Marriage.
• It can’t be a coincidence that gay marriage passes on the same day as National Beautician’s Day. It’s a conspiracy and I’m onto them!
• Lightning to the right of me, gusting to the left, here I am, stuck in the middle with duds… stuck in the middle with duds. ‪#‎MotherNatureHatesMe‬
• The biggest promoters of the confederate flag are often the ones to label people as “unamerican,” and yet they do the most unamerican thing possible: fly a flag that represents treason against the United States of America.
• If conservatives spent 1/2 the energy on “shall not bear false witness” as they do on “no gay penis,” the GOP and FOX would cease to exist.
• When one of your Sales reps finds out you were in the Navy as well and the five-minute checkup call on a facility becomes a two-hour Navy style bitch session. Because a bitchin’ sailor is a happy sailor!
• Those two are so stupid, they’re derpendicular.
• I think my girlfriend has a ningina, because I never see it coming.

• 

  They’re selling an empty record for that much!

• Earlier today a wind gust almost knocked me over. My anemometer said 18mph. Clearly my anemometer is broke.

• 

  Messing with my neighbors. MAC address restrictions on, too! Are the drug dealers across the street sweating it?

• Well, I suppose this means I need to throw The Dark Lord a housewarming party! Who’s in?!?!?!?
• I’m not a fan of hippies, but fake pretentious hippies are the worst. I’m surrounded by them. They should perish from the earth.
• The lavender smell too strong for you? Poor thing. At least I didn’t complain about your patchouli smelling body odor dripping stench. Jerk!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Today really sucks for test tube babies. #MothersDay
• The only reason your mother should be at Chinese Buffet today is if she specifically said she wanted you to bring her. ‪#‎MothersDayFail‬
• Today is Confederate Memorial Day, coincidentally celebrated by the three most uneducated states in the UNION. ‪#‎WrongSideOfHistoryAgain‬
• Officer just pulled me over for 60 in a 45. Asked me about the weather and then told me to slow it down. ‪#‎WhitePrivilege‬ ‪#‎ChaserProblems‬
• How many levels in Dante’s Inferno? Doesn’t matter, they’re all right here around me. Lol ‪#‎HippieHeadquarters‬ ‪#‎SomeoneSaveMe‬
• I love solving games or puzzles on the last move or last second. It makes me feel like James Bond diffusing a bomb. ‪#‎LivingVicariously‬
• I bet the Block feature on Facebook got a workout today! #GayMarriage

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  I’m pretty sure that sign reads “Help Me.”

• 

  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

• 

  Gun safety? Never heard of it. t’s like a mouse, just point an click, right?

• 

  They see me rollin.’ They hatin.’ Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ purty!

• 

  Hey! Who ordered delivery?

• 

  The little man in the canoe has no idea where the hurricane force winds are coming from.

BWAHAHA: 7/12 – 7/18

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/12 – 7/18: All week the great storms went north and south of me. Everything that was coming my way that looked promising, petered or fizzled out. And then when it did rain… it was a boring, drippy, drizzling, fuck the sun kinda rain for 48 hours. Fuck you Mother Nature! But hey, I had two days of “fall weather” or “spring weather,” depending on one’s personal preference, so I figured why not get some yard work done! But that damn green hose was hiding in the tall green grass (tall because it’s been fucking raining for days) and gets sucked into the blades of my John Deere. And there ends my yard work. The John Deere is still sitting where it stalled and got the hose stuck in it. Why is it still sitting there? Because it’s FUCKING RAINING again! For two days fucking straight! Seriously, fuck you Mother Nature.

OTHER

Years of Tetris prepared me for packing boxes and moving trucks, but it didn’t prepare me for Alabama heat! #alwx #MissingPolarVortex

I forgot to post the pic of the “supermoon!” What was I thinking?

I’m convinced at this point that Mother Nature’s fucking with me.

I find myself torn between Weird Al’s take and Stephen Fry’s take. #FirstWorldProblems

A great way to ID trouble spots, the third world, and places no one wants to go.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

Mud Truck with Confederate flag in window & secret KKK symbol on bumper. Roll alongside and they’re head bopping to NWA. #DoingRacismWrong

The last time in history that this many people across the globe were talking about Germany, they were rooting against them.

Road Kill collector. #BadSummerJobs

Pool boy at a porn set. #BadSummerJobs

Gutter cleaner after a hurricane. #BadSummerJobs

Holding lightning attraction devices for research scientists in Florida. #BadSummerJobs

Riding shotgun to Reed Timmer documenting how many times he gets excited. #BadSummerJobs

The Public Relations person dealing with real life storm chasers criticizing the science after #IntoTheStorm hits theaters. #BadSummerJobs

Why do they call it “Conspiracy Thinking” when there’s no thinking involved?

Another Malaysian flight, Israel invades Gaza, ISIS being stupid in Syria & Iraq, Beiber DUI: #AlexJones must be going apeshit about now.

CAPTION CENTRAL

Found my new storm chasing pants!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times do I need to tell you? Always be aware of your surroundings!

And so the rise of the apes starts…

Hurricane, tornado, or Godzilla?

Impervious to workplace flatulence.

30 years ago, Tina was left standing at the altar. She’s never fully recovered from that experience.

Camels make it through the eye of the needle and the rich get into Heaven. We’ll just ignore Matthew 19:24.