BWAHAHA: 11/9 – 11/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/9 – 11/15: Great time this week with friends. Friends who can enjoy a great laugh, can make you laugh, and laugh with you and sometimes at you, these are the friends who I cherish the most. Announced this week, I’ll be performing at Comedy Rush on 12/6 at the Rush Nightclub in Huntsville, Alabama! Details to come!

11/9

Just sang What a Wonderful World in my Louis Armstrong voice. My vocal chords hate me.

I invented a drink tonight called the Smurfette Gusher. Yeah, that kind of gush.

Smurfette Gusher

11/10

Lady in front of me ran into car in front of her in drive-thru. Neither got out of their cars. Weird.

My battery is dead. Breaking out into song, “Stranded At the Laundromat” all John Travolta style!

Of course the McRib comes back after I start my new diet.

I bought lighter shoes so that when I weighed myself I would think I’d lost more weight.

11/11

Now I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas!

11/12

Today the arbitrary numbers of 11/12/13 14:15:16 will come up and people will get oddly excited about it.

I step outside every once in a while so I can better appreciate how warm my house actually is.

11/13

I don’t think rappers who names themselves “Yung __” or “Young __” are very confident about a long-lasting career.

Tonight, a friend of mine reminded me of how old I am: he never experienced the Cold War. Weird.

Oh Facebook, you temptress! I don’t live in NYC and I doubt the owner of that butt lives there, either. And should I “Create an Ad Like This for The Critical Eye Podcast” like it says?
DatingInNYC

Life: TL;DR

11/14

“Along Comes Mary” by Bloodhound Gang. #JesusJukeBox

POLICE: Jesus arrested after participating in communion. Suspect is charged with auto-cannibalism.

I’m confused: Is autoeroticism self love or fucking a car?

Autoerotic-asphyxiation: masturbating in the garage with the car running.
If you open the garage door when the car is running, then you kinda miss the point of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Oh, 1970’s and your silly clothing. Should I forgive my mother for dressing me like this? #throwbackthursday
My Mom’s defense, “What other 18 months old wore guess jeans and a guess leather belt.” Okay, I forgive her.
70's Clothes

The best part about Fall is that no one can sneak up on you.

There is nothing to see here… keep on moving. #throwbackthursday
I’ve always labeled this photo as “The Unknown Comic,” but my Mom told me the story behind this photo after posting it. I got into my grandmother’s alcohol and was drunk off my ass. My mother of course advised my grandmother to put the alcohol up higher. So I said, “Well, I guess I should now label it “The Unknown Drunk,” to which my Mom replied, “No trust me, you were very comical.”
Unknown Comic

11/15

Had to use a fiber optic cable to get a clog out of the sink. That was an expensive unclogging. I threw out all my metal hangers after watching Mommy Dearest.

Started raining. Ambulance sirens in 3… 2… 1…

We’re often like blind men in a diamond mine: not realizing the value of that which is right in front of us.

This is what happens after I host a party at my house.

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

6/8

I must be going through MANopause: the Chamber of Secrets just made me tear up.

How come on the 40+ dating site I get returns for 20-year-olds? Talk about false advertising! Or did I join daddyissues.com?

6/9

99% of emails I get are Spam. Sure wish someone would email me a steak or two.

#SongsThatNeverGetOld – “Forever Young”

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you weren’t duct-taped.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you shop at Dollar General instead of Family Dollar.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you think WalMart is cheap.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you’ve never eaten Ramen noodles for over a week.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you don’t understand the Hispanic hierarchy.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf the intersection of 2nd & Main hasn’t appealed to you a couple of times.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf prostitution wasn’t an option at your school’s career day.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you never went to Communion just because you were hungry.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf if talk about White Privilege didn’t make you realize how hungry you were for a cracker.

I’m convinced half the world’s recipes were created by poor people figuring how to match the crap in their cupboards.

It’s sunny and thundering. Hmm… guess I better check on the alien invasion.

Losing your friend to a cyclops knocking him off a cliff is bad enough, but losing all the supplies in his backpack is even worse.

6/10

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Still Left of the Right”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Once You Go Barrack, You Never Go Back.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Drones: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Putting the Republican Back In Goldwater Republican.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “At Least We’re Not the Rape Caucus.”

You can’t be mad at me for running into you if you materialize right in front of me. Stupid ghosts!

6/13

A Republican said something offensive about rape and women? That’s absurd, Republicans don’t do that! ;)

SCOTUS rules no patent of human genes. So much for that Biggus Dickus gene I was working on.

I aim to please… but sometimes I miss and get it on the tits.

6/14

Sitting here naked, covered in blood & tapioca, thinking, “It’s only 10:30? Now what am I supposed to do for another six and a half hours?”