BWAHAHA 1/31 – 2/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/31 – 2/6: Mostly a boring week for me. I have no car since my windshield is still shattered from the basketball goal that fell on it, so I’m a captive in my own home. But since I don’t have any money thanks to a giant electric bill, that’s probably a good thing. Hey, at least I’m kicking ass on Skyrim (playing from scratch for the tenth time).

I’m still disappointed in the Seahawks’ Super Bowl loss. I don’t care how many times the coach explains why he chose to throw the ball, it was still a bad call when you had at least one more down (barring any penalties on the Pat’s side) to try to get Marshawn (or at least a QB sneak) that one fucking yard! What’s done is done, sure, but fuck the Patriots.

OTHER STUFF:

  • Coming down from the DJ booth, I missed the last step and fell. I’m so gonna feel it in the morning. #ClubLife
  • Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

    Google finally has a an up-to-date pic of my house (fire pit & Rondo visible). But WTF is that shiny shit?

  • If you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you support gay marriage? After all, the more gay couples getting married, the sooner Jesus will come back!
  • More people are flying their own drones, so UFO reports should go up. And a UFO report is just admitting your inability to ID the common. Like this drone, it’s sure to get some UFO reports.
  • Feeling brave? I can legally perform marriages in the state of Alabama.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • I’m in a room full of 13 men all hoping for a Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction. #SB49
  • Katy Perry is wearing a flaming Hunger Games dress. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Those Beach balls are not deflated. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • When did Missy Elliott become a NASCAR driver? #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Wow, look at all those blue balls on the field. #SB49 #HalftimeShow
  • Man that sucks, but at least we got a UFC fight at the end. #SB49
  • There is only one question I have. #WhyDidTheyThrowTheBall

@MIDNIGHT #HASSHTAGWARS:

  • Alabama jumped from 49th to 50th dumbest state #BecauseIDied @midnight
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I got a huge break on my carbon credits.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I’ll never see all of the Internet.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the cats only survived for three more weeks.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, I’m still alive.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the 2016 Republican Presidential candidate will win by one vote.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ Jesus was like, “Screw it, make ’em wait another 2,000+ years.”
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ God became an atheist.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ the Cult of Namira had a week-long banquet. ‪#‎Skyrim‬
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I didn’t see Martial Law declared so that Obama could have a Third Term.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ my guns are now in less-responsible hands: the police.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ everyone attending my funeral has to listen to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (ironically) for two hours on loop.
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I won’t see Star Wars XLIX: Red Zone Force
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I can now haunt Fred Phelps with taunts of “God hates nags.”
  • @midnight ‪#‎BecauseIDied‬ I found Waldo and Carmen Sandiego: they’re sitting next to me in Hell.

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • 1. The 1 driver you'll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don't want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

    1. The 1 driver you’ll let cut you off. 2. The 1 driver you don’t want to have road rage. 3. He can run a red light.

  • And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI'd all their stunts.

    And here I was thinking the Fast & Furious series CGI’d all their stunts.

  • Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

    Ever since re-releasing GTA5 on PS4, shit like this has started again. GTA5 or Real Life?

Advertisements

BWAHAHA 1/24 – 1/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 1/24 – 1/30: This week my girlfriend and I went out for seafood. While driving around running our errands beforehand, seafood became “anyplace that has seafood,” which after a few more hours of running around then became, “Fuck it, let’s do the Chinese buffet.” The Chinese buffet we go to has seafood on their dinner buffet. I personally can’t stand seafood. The only seafood I like is hushpuppies (you’d be amazed at how many people I have to explain that joke to). Luckily for me, most seafood places have at least a few non-seafood items on their menu. But I still have to deal with the nauseating smell. At least at a Chinese buffet the smell of the regular food does a better job of masking the seafood smell. While I’m about to get a second plate, I notice the cooks brought out some fresh crab legs. Since that’s really what my girlfriend wanted, I got them for her instead of getting my plate. While I’m standing there holding tongs (and my nose) I notice the man on the other side of the buffet bar is using his fingers to find mussels with meat in them. I’ll grant him that the meat fell out of most of the shells during the cooking process. However, if you’re smart (as in not from Alabama), instead of searching shell by shell with your fingers, why not use the fucking spoon to grab all the loose meat at the bottom of the pan? Instead, this idiot is going through all the mussels with his fingers. Later that night my friends asked me if I said anything to the staff. Nah, I’m not eating that booger looking shit, so what do I care? Besides, it probably made that shit taste better. Just one more reason to not like seafood.

One of the errands we were running that day was getting my girlfriend a laptop. We spent days looking online for deals that were not only cost effective, but actually had the right amount of processing power, memory, etc. She kept picking out $200 laptops and asking, “What about this one?” To which myself (and later a friend) both told her, “NO FUCKING WAY!” But she kept sending them to us. My friend and I both point out the perfect laptop for her. It’s $500, but on sale for $350 after instant in-store savings and a $50 mail-in rebate. Does she order it? Nope. Does she go straight to the store that has it so she can buy it in person? Nope. She runs me around all over town looking at tons of laptops that either aren’t powerful enough or are too expensive. So where do we end up going when she finally decides to actually spend the money? Yep… to the exact same place I told her to go in the first place. WOMEN!

OTHER STUFF:

  • I used to have a built-in bench in my shower. Now I have a knee-high shelf. ‪#‎WhenYourGirlfriendMovesIn‬
  • Alcohol and Little Big Planet Coop Mode. The insanity. The laughter. It hurts!!!!!
  • The twitter notification sound is really loud after midnight when trying not to wake the person sleeping next to you.
  • It was a long and blustery night, but I survived ‪#‎BlizzardOf2015‬ here in Alabama. Look, ice on the ground!

    It was a long and blustery night, but I survived ‪#‎BlizzardOf2015‬ here in Alabama. Look, ice on the ground!

  • A 5’2″ tiny Chinese woman just physically abused me for an hour. It was awesome.
  • AL Judges panel reverses opinion: gay marriage okay in AL. Suddenly marriages are stopped for staff shortages. Skeptical Blair is Skeptical.
  • It’s time for Chief “Justice” Roy Moore to STFU, retire, and disappear into the sunset. Roy Moore, giving Christians a bad name since 1999.
  • Alabama: Get Over Yourself

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • #‎FacebookDown‬ is like being left behind in the Rapture. Sure, it’s scary at first, but then you realize all the cool kids are still here.
  • The NSA brought Facebook down because users were talking about Chemtrails causing the blizzard. I know because I removed my tinfoil hat. #FacebookDown
  • #‎Interviewgate‬ continues as North Korea takes down Facebook after John Miller posts a positive review on his wall. ‪#‎FacebookDown‬

@MIDNIGHT #HASHTAGWARS:

  • Aeronauticalengineeringbatics ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Air Bender Hockey ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Aquamanathlon ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Long Distance Re-Cycling ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • BenchWordPress ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Pericardium Sac Race ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Camelot Racing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • RiverTamboarding ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Lawnmower Man Racing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Skyrim Nordic Skiing ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight
  • Capture the Flagella ‪#‎NerdierSports‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

  • It's like a Furry Convention, but a McFlurry Convention.

    It’s like a Furry Convention, but a McFlurry Convention.

  • New Yorkers be like, "What, it ain't that cold."

    New Yorkers be like, “What, it ain’t that cold.”

  • Have you seen North Korea's new surface to air missile system? It's pretty wicked!

    Have you seen North Korea’s new surface to air missile system? It’s pretty wicked!

BWAHAHA: 12/7 – 12/13

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/7 – 12/13: I traveled to Florida this week to help my Dad move for his divorce. The day we leave I find out he’s reconciled and we’re going down to move all the stuff. Fickle bastard.  Then he ended up in the hospital… but that’s next week’s BWAHAHA.

12/7

Life is like a juice box: you don’t know how empty it is until you’re sucking on the last of it.

12/9

Sarah Palin, “Atheists are trying to abort Christ from Christmas.” Distraction working since we’re trying to abort Christ in general.

12/10

Make a book-based movie and viewers complain, “It wasn’t like the book!” Make it like the book and you get, “It’s too long and boring!”
Or “There’s too much walking!”

I think white Jesus may live in Tifton, GA. At least that was the impression I got from all the billboards with his picture on them.

12/11

I’ve already been greeted by a half naked woman pacing in the parking lot. Thank you Florida.

Life is like a vibrator: it can bring pleasure or pain, be gentle or rough, but ultimately the batteries die.

During the Happy Holidays, suicide rates go up. If you’re gonna go… go Happy!

I would say I’m bored off my ass, but I’m sitting on it, so I’m more bored on my ass.

My suicide note will read, “I did not commit suicide. I accidentally hung myself.” #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Oh no, I forgot to lock the shark cage and fell into the shark’s mouth! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

Uh-oh, I was driving too fast and accidentally drove off this 1,000 foot cliff into the an active volcano! #LifeInsuranceStrategies

12/12

Why is our culture afraid of young black men? Watching COPS we should be afraid of rednecks.

12/13

For a religion of homophobia, Christians certainly have a very homoerotic relationship with their Jesus.

That was a really tough conference call:

BeachConferenceCall

Blog Entry: Interesting License Plate

There’s only one way to solve the argument over the race of Santa Claus:

Alien Santa Claus2

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to identify a FOX News viewer just from the stupid shit coming out of their mouth.

Interesting License Plate

He'llGetShotI pulled forward into the designated parking space to wait for my drive-thru food at McDonald’s. A few minutes later a young lady came out with my food in hand and walked toward my car. As I watched her in the mirror I could see her look at my license plate and make a face. I giggled, as I always do.

As she handed me my food through the window she said, “Interesting license plate.”

I replied, “Thanks!”

“So do you have it just rile people up?” she asked.

“No, did it rile you up?” I asked her.

“A little bit,” she replied.

“Oh, well there are only two reasons for it to rile you up, either you have weak faith or you’re a bigot. Which one describes you?”

She made a face and walked away. I’m going with bigot. I wonder if she works on Sundays at McDonald’s.

Defenders of Islamic Mantra (DIMs)

The recent brouhaha with the Innocence of Muslims video has reignited not only Islamic violence across the globe (as predicted), but equally the asininity of my fellow liberals here at home. So I wanted to touch on the issues that really drive me bonkers when it comes to the ridicule of Islam and the glorious thing that is Freedom of Speech as established by the Constitution of the United States.

Muslims in Bangladesh burn a U.S. Flag in protest over the “Innocence of Muslims.”
(AP Photo/A.M. Ahad, CC)

The first response I usually see from my fellow liberals is how they support the Freedom of Speech and then they add the word “but” to the end of that. I immediately know that something really stupid and asinine is about to come out of their mouths and they are going to look like twits on my Facebook wall. Freedom of Speech is Freedom of Speech. There are only a few “buts” as established by the courts and this video met none of those “buts” – not even remotely close. So unless you want to change the Constitution or simply deny Freedom of Speech then, to quote my friend Matthew, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Just remember that when you say it you sound like this, “I’m not a pedophile, but…” (also see Concern Troll)

The second response I usually see is some statement about the ethics or morality of the video, comment, expression, etc. Being an unethical and immoral asshole is not against the law. You may not like it and I may not like what a person says, but that does not mean they do not have the right to say it. Just like you have the right to be a stupid twit by saying nonsense like this: you’re being wrong does not prevent you from using your Freedom of Speech.

But the worst is yet to come! There are two things that generally happen when Islam goes rabid around the world enough that the news covers it for more than 48 hours. I should note that Islam is rabid around the world every day, but the news only covers massive outbreaks and ignores the violence perpetuated by followers of Islam across the planet on a day-to-day basis.

The first is the irrational defense of Islam by my fellow liberals and atheists. I don’t see this nonsense when I “attack” Christianity, so why are they so compelled to suddenly defend Islam? Is it because they are afraid of Islam’s response to my criticism? Is it because they have swallowed the ridiculousness of multiculturalism, but only as it applies to any culture they’re not raised in, therefore it’s okay to criticize Christianity or American culture, but not anyone else’s who might be offended? I mean, if you honestly think that the subjugation of women is a great cultural thing, then you probably should not be my friend and you definitely should not consider yourself a freethinker or rational human being. Not every aspect of every culture is worth defending. No one has the right to not be offended.

I especially love it when they confuse the criticism of Islam as some blanket statement against all Muslims. Is the criticism of Christianity a blanket statement against all Christians? If I say that Christianity is an unethical religion because it is based on the immorality of the Forgiveness Doctrine and Original Sin, does that mean I am saying that all Christians are immoral and unethical? Nope. So how come when I say that Islam is a violent and immoral religion because of the doctrine of violence against apostates and Kafirs, do my liberal and Islamic-defending atheist friends immediately think I’m saying that all Muslims are violent and immoral? We know moderate Muslims exist and some have even spoken out against the violence.

This is a culture worth respecting? The subjugation of women and denying women equal rights? Stoning women to death? Beheading women? Public executions of women? No thanks! (Photo CC)

But worst of all is when anyone who speaks out against Islam is called a bigot or a racist. I wonder if anyone who criticizes Christianity is equally racist and bigoted. If you think the criticism of Islam is racist, then you are the actual racist because you are the idiot that thinks all Muslims are Arabs. First, Islam is not a race, it’s a religion. And Arabs are not the largest demographic of Muslims. The largest demographic of Muslims are South Asia and Southeast Asia with over 1 billion followers of Islam. The Middle East only contributes 321 million followers of Islam to the global believers. If you go by country, the top ten countries are Indonesia, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Egypt, Nigeria, Iran, Turkey, Algeria, and Morocco. There are white Muslims and Asian Muslims and Muslims in every demographic and ethnicity on the planet. Not all Arabs are Muslim. There are a lot of Christian Arabs, Jewish Arabs, Zoroastrian Arabs, and atheist Arabs. So stop being a racist by thinking that all Muslims are Arab and accusing the criticism of Islam as being racist. You sound like a horse’s ass and dolt when you say stupid shit like that.

It blows my mind that so many of my fellow atheists are so quick to defend Islam when they would never do such a thing with Christianity or Hinduism or other religions. I can post inflammatory and derogatory comments about Christianity on my Facebook page and get a bunch of “Hell yeah!” responses from my fellow atheists. But post one thing inflammatory or derogatory about Islam and the Defenders of Islamic Mantra (DIMs) come out of the woodwork to tell me how horrible I am and how racist and bigoted I am. Well, I’m glad they don’t think I’m a racist bigot when I criticize and mock Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Zoroastrianism, Paganism and other stupid beliefs like Creationism, Homeopathy, Astrology, etc.

There is one other thing that always happens when Islam goes berserk around the world. The Islam-defenders among my fellow atheists quickly point out, “Islam is no different than Christianity, which had the Crusades, Inquisition, etc.”

Yes, Christianity certainly had its moments in history, didn’t it? Every religion has. Our criticism of the current violent state of Islam is irrelevant to the brutal histories of other religions. That doesn’t mean we’re not aware of those brutalities and horrors. We are not living during the Crusades, Conquistadors, or Inquisition. We are living in the here and now. Right now the most dangerous religion on the planet is Islam.

Poverty, culture, and politics play their part, but it is belief in martyrdom after death and glory in Paradise with Allah that allows this to happen.

Religion is like dogs: different breeds behave different ways. Some are yippy and annoying. Some are aggressive and dangerous. Some are docile and weak. Some are feral and rabid. Christianity has been mostly domesticated. Sure, it nips at you or scratches every now and then, but it’s mostly timid these days. It helps that Christianity is mostly the pet dog in secular households (countries) these days. Every now and then the Christian dog will try to shit and piss on the carpet, but that’s why there are groups to help fight that shit in the first place (and discipline the dog when it does via court cases). How many Christian terrorist attacks can you think of in the last ten years?

Islam in its current state is feral and wants to bite your head off every time you look at it funny. Some of the pups in Islam are rabid. How many Islamic terrorist attacks can you think of in the last ten years? (HINT: the answer is almost 20,000)

It also doesn’t mean we don’t recognize the role that culture and politics and poverty play, either. We understand that Islam is culture and politics: they are intertwined in the theocracies and dictatorships that exist around the globe. They are inseparable and feed off each other. Politics and poverty and lack of education may lead one to Islam, but Islam is what leads one to strap on dynamite and blow up innocent civilians at a market for the reward of virgins and martyrdom in Paradise.

Yes, all religions are bad, but some are worse than others. The trick is to keep a close eye on the most dangerous while not losing sight of the others to ensure you’re not getting flanked. Our criticism of Islam’s violent tendencies and barbaric texts does not mean we don’t think the Bible is not full of horrible things (it most certainly is) or that we don’t think the Vedas has some nasty shit in it (it definitely does). What it means is that we are currently criticizing Islam.

The sooner you realize how silly you look and sound when defending Islam and getting all bent out of shape when someone goes after Islam, the better.

The next time the Islamic heads get together to pass blasphemy laws at the United Nations… the DIMs out there can vote in favor of it. In the meantime, I plan on standing up for the Freedom of Speech, which includes the right to criticize EVERY religion and EVERY faith and EVERY prophet and to be as blasphemous as I want to no matter how much it bothers your hyper-sensitive multiculturalism nonsense.

Don’t be a DIM!

Praise Bacon!