BWAHAHA 2/14 – 2/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/14 – 2/20: Alabama and some other parts of the South got dumped on this week a couple of times. Cities shut down as Snowmageddon started and the Snowpocalypse began. Sure, we give the South shit for it, but to be fair, there’s no reason for them to invest in the resources to deal with the snow that occurs rarely down here. It would just be a waste of tax dollars. So enjoy your snow day at home. Well, unless you’re like me and work at home, which means you never get a snow day – it just means you have to deal with everyone else being at home with you when you’re normally by yourself. I’ll put up a separate blog entry with all the snow pictures and videos of the roads, etc.

Valentine’s Day happened, as it always does. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day for many reasons and I was worried about having to go through the crap this year since this is Suzie and I’s first Valentine’s Day together. But nope, Suzie is amazing and all we did was have a nice dinner at home: steak and crab legs. Well, she ate the crab legs, because the only seafood I like is hushpuppies.

OTHER STUFF:

  • #‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎Skyrim‬ ‪#‎Mashup‬

    #‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎Skyrim‬ ‪#‎Mashup‬

  • I love you the same today as I did yesterday, but apparently I’m supposed to love you more for 24 hours because today everyone has VD.
  • The combination of payday, Valentine’s Day, and the coming Snowpocalypse made the stores a madhouse today. I’ll go grocery shopping later.
  • So it's going to be one of those days, huh?

    So it’s going to be one of those days, huh?

  • Finishing out Valentine’s by watching UFC with my honey. One more reason to love her.
  • Valentine's dinner. Giant steak for me and crab legs for her.

    Valentine’s dinner. Giant steak for me and crab legs for her. After careful deliberation, I decided to go with the Brontosaurus steak.

  • To warm me up, a big bowl of grits, with cayenne added for extra warmth. At least one thing the South got right.
  • Kitty doesn't like the snow. Lemme in!

    Kitty doesn’t like the snow. Lemme in!

  • Had to pick up Suzie because she didn’t want to drive in this mess. So I get to instead. To be fair, I love driving in it.
  • "It's so fluffy I could die!" ‪#‎alwx‬

    “It’s so fluffy I could die!” ‪#‎alwx‬

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

  • Zombiepocalypse Tip: the rabies virus will die when cooking meat. Mmm, BBQ dog. ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬ ‪#‎TWD‬
  • The narwhal song just reminds me to not use Sprint. ‪#‎AdvertisingFail‬
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BWAHAHA 10/25 – 10/31:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/25 – 10/31: So this week, even though I’m behind a week (yes, I’ll catch up this weekend), I’ve decided to take a different approach with the #HashtagWars done by @midnight. First, I’m giving them their own section, separate from my other Tweets, posts, etc. Second, I’m only including ones that are 100% original. I do a search for my joke and if anyone else did it – it doesn’t make it on this page: even if I did it first. There are some low hanging fruit and obvious jokes with each #HashtagWars and we come up with the same stuff. It happens. But there are a few where I know someone copied mine and used it as their own, because I used an odd Syntax or put in a special character where it didn’t need to be. You know who you are and did you not know that Twitter has a search function that shows not only that you stole my joke but time stamps that shit as well? Douchebag.

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today!

New tag arrived today!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I'll take a Me & Coke, please.

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Best Buy just aired a Christmas commercial. In October. I am now no longer shopping at Best Buy.

On the road back to Pittsburgh. 12 hours of other drivers pissing me off.

Even when I'm on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

Even when I’m on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong.

So when does Earth to Echo 2: Payback come out where Echo, with all his alien friends, takes revenge for the government shooting him down?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Who wants some roast? TAINTED MEAT!!! #TheWalkingDead

We had Swiss steak for dinner tonight. #TAINTEDMEAT #TheWalkingDead

Eating Bob gives #TheWalkingDead chocolate pudding a whole new meaning.

I have only a few Zombiepocalypse rules. No kids is one of them. Judith proves my point. #TheWalkingDead

All praise the red-handled machete! #TWD #TheWalkingDead

Uh-oh, did Daryl bring back some #TAINTEDMEAT to the church? #TheWalkingDead

#HashtagWars WITH @Midnight:

Lawrence of Catabia #CatMovies @midnight

The Abyssinian #CatMovies @midnight

Breakfast at Chantilly-Tiffany #CatMovies @midnight

The Godpawder #CatMovies @midnight

12 Angry Mice #CatMovies @midnight

The Usual Suspets #CatMovies @midnight

12 Years a Pet #CatMovies @midnight

The Himalayan Blues Brothers #CatMovies @midnight

When Hairy Met Alley #CatMovies @midnight

Hairballspray #CatMovies @midnight

Sarah Palin makes Vivid deal #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Michael Vick opens animal shelter #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Every Wives Tale is TRUE #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rapture happened: you missed it #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rick & Daryl: gay love scene #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TWD

Zombies only eat Playboy Bunnies #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Cloverfield monster… was a baby #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jason. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Olympics being held in Liberia #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Condom broke… with a prostitute #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Technically, we’re all TAINTED MEAT! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TheWalkingDead

EMP burst kills the Internet #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

They’re just friction burns. Honest! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Adam & Steve, not Adam & Eve! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

What’s in the box? Microsoft-10 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Satan’s number is actually 404 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Come again… How fast, officer? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Yosemite seismic activity rapidly increasing #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #NotReallyFunny

You don’t take credit cards? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

IHOP on Pop... IHOP on Car.

IHOP on Pop… IHOP on Car.

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

BWAHAHA 10/11 – 10/17:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/11 – 10/17: I’m on the road in Pittsburgh this week. Mostly bored off my ass since the techs have everything under control and I’m here only because the contract requires a project manager on site. So I sit in my hotel room on conference calls all day… staring out the window at Pittsburgh, well, at least I think it’s Pittsburgh, because it looks like the set to The Walking Dead or The Last of Us.

OTHER STUFF:

Lightning captured with cell phone camera.

If they ever make Dr. Who a woman, they’ll have to rename it to Dr. Who-Ha.

If you’re a hippie, please don’t stand in front of the fan. Now the entire room smells like B.O. and patchouli.

I brought the obligatory chocolate pudding to the season premier of #TheWalkingDead

Older woman pulling into the oil change Bay next to me almost drove into the hole. The mechanic was screaming at her.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

I feel like the theme music from JAWS should be playing as this line approaches.

FoodValu, where the employees are still in high school and the customers have already purchased plots at the cemetery.

Watching the Ebola patient drive through Atlanta reminds me of the OJ Chase, except the woman’s not dead, yet.

The idiocy being said regarding Ebola is hyperEbolic! The only thing airborne is fear-mongering and ignorance: that shit’s contagious!

Critical Eye Podcast E045: Fifth Annual Halloween Show – It’s a Scary World Outside

My hotel room last night smelled of BO. I was worried it was me. Now I know it’s the housekeeper who stink. #DeodorantSavesLives

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

At least my hotel room has a great view of local artwork. #Pittsburgh

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

Tweakin’ ULY55E55 #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Drake Gatsby #HipHopBooks @midnight

Travi$ Scott Fitzgerald #HipHopBooks @midnight

Brave New World Boyz #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Soulja and the Fury #HipHopBooks @midnight

Trey Sons and Lovers #HipHopBooks @midnight

Sean Wington of the Dove #HipHopBooks @midnight

Tender is the Dizzy Wright #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Good Soulja #HipHopBooks @midnight

Lord of the Plies #HipHopBooks @midnight

The RainBow Wow #HipHopBooks @midnight

Wale Fire #HipHopBooks @midnight

Mally Malltese Falcon #HipHopBooks @midnight

Gucci Mane Street #HipHopBooks @midnight

The French Montana Lieutenant’s Woman #HipHopBooks @midnight

From Here to Eminem #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Magnififtycent Ambersons #HipHopBooks @midnight

Diary of Anne Frank Ocean #HipHopBooks @midnight

The T-Painted Bird #HipHopBooks @midnight

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Thug Man #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Hunt for Red Café October #HipHopBooks @midnight

Stranger In a Strange Timbaland #HipHopBooks @midnight

Guilty Pleasure P #HipHopBooks @midnight

The Big Boi Sleep #HipHopBooks @midnight

Swizz Family Robinson #HipHopBooks @midnight

Hip Hop on Pop #HipHopBooks @midnight

Crapple: for all your compooting needs #RuinTechnology @midnight

Praydar: like Gaydar, but for homophobes #RuinTechnology @midnight

Sacuum Cleaner: Suck your testicles clean. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Brobots: Artificial Bromance #RuinTechnology @midnight

Hearing AIDS #RuinTechnology @midnight

Iron Lung: When you’re too tired to breathe #RuinTechnology @midnight

Penichillin: killing bacteria… one sofa at a time #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Life: Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, Snapchat, Google+, Twitter, etc. #RuinTechnology @midnight

Scotch Tape: When you’re too drunk to hold the tumbler #RuinTechnology @midnight

Electric Blanket: When your boyfriend’s not hot enough #RuinTechnology @midnight

Nuclear Feareactor: Because the word nuclear is scary #RuinTechnology @midnight

Napalm: Self-warming lubricant #RuinTechnology @midnight

Transistors: Like a sistor, but also like a brother #RuinTechnology @midnight

Holograms: When your dealer cuts the cocaine with baking soda #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Intelligence, AKA Teleprompter #RuinTechnology @midnight

Solar Cell: Even inmates deserve a little sunshine in their lives #RuinTechnology @midnight

Endorscope: Mouthwash for Ewoks #RuinTechnology @midnight

Microchip: Satan’s gateway drug #RuinTechnology @midnight

Artificial Heart: Fake feelings endorsed by sociopaths everywhere #RuinTechnology @midnight

Floppy Disc: A little Viagra and you’ve got a Hard Disk #RuinTechnology @midnight
When it lasts longer than four hours it’s a Solid State Drive

Barcodes: Don’t touch hands in the bowl of peanuts #RuinTechnology @midnight

In Vitro Fertilisation: why throw away a perfectly good turkey baster? #RuinTechnology @midnight

Superconductor Casey Jones #RuinTechnology @midnight

Cryogenics: So you can be an asshole in the future, too #RuinTechnology @midnight

Smart Swatch: Like the 80’s, but smarter #RuinTechnology @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Because fuck the homeless.

Because fuck the homeless.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Pietrov was perplexed as to why the officer thought he stole the pumpkins.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Even trees deserve a place to sit down and relax now and then.

Dammit, outdone by the Jones' again!

Dammit, outdone by the Jones’ again!

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Every car should come with an emergency exit ladder.

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Is anyone going to tell Carlos that his head is on fire?

Suicide clown?

Suicide clown?

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960's vagina.

Someone needs to let Dorothy know she looks like a 1960’s vagina.

"What accident? Me? I'm just sitting here smoking a cigarette." #PersonOfInterest

“What accident? Me? I’m just sitting here smoking a cigarette.” #PersonOfInterest

BWAHAHA: 2/8 – 2/14

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 2/8 – 2/14: This week was the week of the cock teasing Snowmageddon. It kept threatening to snow in Alabama (again). The models kept changing and it kept being delayed. And businesses shut down for no snow. And then… it finally happened. Mother Nature proved herself to be the MILF she is and just dumped it all over us. Then it melted the next morning. Oh well… back to work in Alabama.

2/8

In the grocery store: amazing ass in yoga pants in front of me. Turns the corner… it’s a dude. Vomit cleanup in aisle 6, please!

2/9

Greenpeace is stupid sometimes. I have fond memories of hosing them down from a Navy ship.

Damn, did I really just spend the last 1.5 hours editing my GameFly queue? Yep… guess I did.

Grocery store is packed. Must be a storm coming. Idiots.

Carl. #Winning #TigerBlood #TWD

Mmmmm, chocolate puddin’! #TWD

2/10

Sometimes poor Japanese translations make perfect sense when the sign is hung in the right place.

20140210a

Great White South

Navy Atheist & Gay Jesus

NSA & FBI Job Security

Snowmageddon in 3, 2… okay in 5, 4, 3, 2… okay in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… oh fuck it.

The snow just told me, “I find your lack of faith disturbing!” I replied, “I find your lack of evidence disturbing!”

20140210b

Just noticed that if you take almost all anti-government conspiracies and replace government with GOP, it sounds legit.

If the terrorist bomb teacher accidentally blows up his class, does the virgins he get match the number of fingers he has left?

Def Leppard’s “Snowmageddon” is on the Hysteria album, right?

2/11

Public farting… sometimes it just works.

20140211a

“Here, let me get that for you.”

20140211b

Bin Laden, bomb, backpack, explosives, Allah, Taliban, and Great Satan. Doing my part to keep NSA agents employed.

The Good Ship Lollipop struck an iceberg and sank.

“Yeah, but are you gettin’ it? Snowmageddon it! Ooh, really gettin’ it? – Yes, Snowmaggedon it!” – Deaf Snowleopard

Damn you GPS!

20140211c

They’re gonna need a bigger boat.

20140211d

2/12

OMFSM! The Rugrats predicted the Fleshlight!

20140212b

In places where insurance isn’t required (or Libertarians are in charge).

20140212c

Listening to the local news anchors describe the snow. Sounds like they’re describing sex. Innuendos falling faster than snow.

Every time you walk on snow… you’re just like Jesus!

If I had known my Chromecast had arrived in the mail today, I would have trudged out in the snow earlier.

2/13

With all the ice and snow out there, it took me a little bit of extra time to get to my office this morning. (a joke for those people who know what I do and where I do it)

Pretty people can still go fast, though…

20140213a

My ex-wife just said, “I’m so glad I have you as an ex and not some douche who will screw me over.” I gotz cred!

I’m 42-years-old and I still cut the crust off my sandwiches. That’s so (5-year-)Old School!

2/14

Doing 183 MPH down the I-88 in the fog. Why? It’s amazing and I can respawn if I crash.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day was invented by a single person so they’d have an excuse to rail against couples for one day.

“Wrong hole! Wrong hole!”

20140214a

Manscaping 101: First, apply shaving cream.

20140214b