BWAHAHA: 10/4 – 10/10

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/4 – 10/10: So this week Alabama, specifically Birmingham, shined with stupidity for all the world to see. A passenger on a flight from Chicago to Birmingham got sick on the plane… so of course it had to be EBOLA!!!!! The plane lands and the Birmingham airport shuts down while HazMat teams, Firefighters, and police officers converge on the airport. Turns out, of course, that the patient didn’t have Ebola. Well no shit, assholes! So are we now going to shut down airports at the first fucking sneeze? Or just when black men with African accents sneeze? The best part of this entire fiasco was the commentary on the news item. Scientific illiteracy in Alabama? Surely thou doth jest! Comments such as:

“Diverted to a Red State? Where was it originally supposed to go?” Clayton G.

Well Clayton, if you had this thing called reading comprehension, or you actually read the article instead of the headline, you’d notice the flight was coming into Birmingham. But your question really insinuates that, what, President Obama can just call up ATC and demand a plane with suspected Ebola go to a state that didn’t vote for him? You believe in Bigfoot, don’t you Clayton?

“Maybe we dodged the bullet on this one… maybe not.. just saying.” Kathie M

Well Kathie, what you’re actually saying is that you have no idea what “dodged a bullet means.” If the patient actually had Ebola and no one was infected and they quarantined the patient in time: that would be motherfucking dodging a bullet. And why the “just saying” at the end… what are you insinuating exactly, because I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re not fucking psychics.

“How are they SO SURE, SO FAST?!?! I’m not… I am sick of this crap!” – Jamie H.

Well Jamie, there’s this thing called a blood test that takes less than an hour to determine if Ebola is present in your blood stream. The fact that you’re not sure of a fact just means you’re not a scientist, you know, someone who actually knows what the fuck they’re talking about, and it also lets me know you’re a Republican, Creationist, and Conspiracy Theory nutter all in one meat sack. And what crap are you sick of exactly? The THREE, motherfucking THREE, cases of Ebola in the United States? I mean, damn, so many of them, no wonder you’re so sick of it!

“This is probably caused from the government itself. I mean seriously, think about it! You can’t trust them. Period.” – Amber J.

By government, you mean the government of Liberia, right? Oh, you meant the United States. So 2.8 million government employees are just casually keeping their mouths shut as they infect thousands of people in Liberia and then let them fly over to the United States to start infecting Americans. Well, if they are, at a minimum it’s a reinforcement of the inefficiency of government. The Libertarians would be proud!

Hey, the next episode of The Critical Eye Podcast has been scheduled for October 16th at 7 pm CST. Make sure you go to the web page to listen live, call in live, and chat live!

OTHER STUFF:

Regarding Ebola in Dallas: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” – Ripley

Just laid out a schedule for a major installation and my boss says, “Make it so.” I had no choice but to reply, “Aye, Captain!”

Watching straight guys trying to pick up girls in a lesbian bar is pretty funny. #TheMoreYouKnow

The CDC announced today to be wary of, and report, any black man with an African-sounding name who sneezes. Rednecks everywhere rejoiced.

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Casino Royale With Cheese #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dr. Nein! Nein! Nein! #LesserBondMovies @midnight

From Prussia with Love #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Goldfingerlickin’good #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blunderball #LesserBondMovies @midnight

On His Majesty’s Secretion Service #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Blood Diamonds Are Forever #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Funny Man with the Golden Pun #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Spy Kids Who Loved Me #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Leafraker: Autumn on the Moon #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Four Eyes Only #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Octomompussy #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Askew to a Chill #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Giving Gaylights #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Licence to Drive #LesserBondMovies @midnight

Dye Another Lei #LesserBondMovies @midnight

The Phantasmagoria of the Opera #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Scats #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Chicago Fire of 1871 #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Les vampyre Misérables #SpookyBroadway @midnight

A Tyrannocaurus Line #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mummy Mia! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Jersey Shore Boys #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Fiddler Spider on the Roof #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Hello, Porcelain Dolly! #SpookyBroadway @midnight

My Werelady #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Mary Poppin’ Eyeballs #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Avenue al’Qaeda #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Raggedy Annie #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rock of Mages #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Tain’t Misbehavin’ #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Barefoot in the Dark #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Screamgirls #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Maim #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Look of Whoremen #SpookyBroadway @midnight

The Seven Year Witch #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Rabies in Toyland #SpookyBroadway @midnight

Muenster Mash #CheeseSongs @midnight

Let the Gouda Times Roll #CheeseSongs @midnight

Briebird #CheeseSongs @midnight

Putting on the Swiss (on Ritz) #CheeseSongs @midnight

I Think We’re Provolone Now #CheeseSongs @midnight

Wake Me Up Before You Asiago-go #CheeseSongs @midnight

Blue Cheese Shoes #CheeseSongs @midnight

Pepper Jack & Diane #CheeseSongs @midnight

Queso Sera, Sera #CheeseSongs @midnight

It’s My Havarti and I’ll Cry If I Want To #CheeseSongs @midnight

Parmesan Sugar On Me #CheeseSongs @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

Someone must have watched #IntoTheStorm.

Someone must have watched #IntoTheStorm.

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BWAHAHA: 5/10 – 5/16

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/10 – 5/16: On the 10th I participated in The Gong Show here in Huntsville, put on by Clockwork Comedy. I was the first contestant to not get gonged and one of only three contestants to not get gonged during the entire show. I performed the song “Things Creationists Hate.” Unfortunately, I did not know about the lightning round and had no other material prepared, so I just did Edelweiss. I considered doing it as Arnold Schwarzenegger or Louis Armstrong, but just sang it normally. Later, after I got gonged, one of the judges said, “You know, had you done it in a different voice, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I wouldn’t have gonged you.” Well there you go, more anecdotal evidence that going with your first instinct is always right.

I went to see Godzilla on Friday night and it was amazing. If you are a fan of the genre, you will like this movie. They stuck to the genre with the appropriate level of campiness. There were plenty of tips of the hat to the classics as well. The complaints I’m seeing about the movie make no sense to me. One is that it’s all “America, Fuck Yeah!” I didn’t see that at all. What I saw was the American military getting its ass handed to it. The one time the word “America” appeared on the screen, it was on the TV and the bit was making fun of tickers and modern news channels (subtle humor, but great). Another complaint was about things like how lucky the character was, how the nuke team got lucky to find the only Navy EOD tech who was just happening to walk right by, etc. Well, see, that shit happens in every fucking movie, because it’s called FICTION, but you only notice it when you don’t like a movie, and that’s called confirmation bias. I mean, really, there’s this 500′ monster fighting off a giant flying parasite and an even bigger parasite who just laid eggs, who eat and live off radiation, but that’s acceptable… but that EOD guy being in the right place at the right time, well dammit, now the movie has just crossed the reality threshold into the absurd! It’s like some people have never seen old Godzilla movies. Look, if you’re not a fan of the Godzilla genre, then go and watch the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla, because it actually wasn’t a Godzilla movie at all. People are funny. Just allow yourself to be entertained and enjoy the FICTION!

5/11

Weird, Facebook suddenly became MILF porn today… #MothersDay

Damn, that butt’s so big I’m pretty sure it was a contributing factor to Pluto being downgraded from a planet.

Those are supposed to be eyeballs… Yeah, sure they are…

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For oral sex with squirters.

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That’s racist.

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5/12

Why am I the only one yelling, “Fight! Fight!” at the dog park? And why is everyone giving me the evil eye?

5/13

I posted a few Tornado Tips to help you out this season.

Today I was proven wrong… not all comedians are intelligent. Yep, all those scientists are wrong, but you, the fry cook, you figured that shit out.

In related news, since the announcement of Palin’s visit, the sale of Viagra to Republican men has increased tenfold in the Tennessee Valley.

The modern clothes line.

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5/15

To me, there’s a huge difference between edible and eatable.

In 2002 I looked at this photo and realized I needed to shave my head. #TBT #Balding

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It’s feeding time!

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You should really be more aware of your surroundings when taking photos and video…

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“Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

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For some of us, leaving the house without pants on is a nightmare.

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Now who put a perfectly good couch out there for disposal?

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I was fine with Katy Perry’s “Birthday” video until the end: then I was torn between erection and convulsion:

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5/16

My cats aren’t killing the birds or fighting off the stray cats who are eating their food. Fucking Socialists!

Every time my stove timer goes off I have to finish the intro to Chicago’s “25 or 6 to 4”.

Now that Jenny McCarthy is promoting e-cigs, I may have to just resort to cocaine. I guess e-cigs don’t cause autism.

Superman and Zod still did more damage to the city than Godzilla and two MUTO! #GodzillaMovie

If #Godzilla is an Alpha Predator, then how come we never see him eat his kills?

BWAHAHA: 8/17 – 8/23

BWAHAHA: 8/17 – 8/23 – This was a pretty slow week for me, not to mention I got Dark Arisen, so was pretty much living inside the cavernous Bitterblack Isle chasing monsters and getting my ass handed to me by Goreclops and other giant creatures.

8/17

* New episode of The Critical Eye Podcast is up!

8/19

* “They hardly falter in their assault!” Said while zombies attacked, but I’m sure he was referring to Republicans.

* My DragonCon schedule is 4 bands, 1 comedy show, and a shit ton of Zombies. Yes, Zombies is capitalized. Duh!

* When I lived in SoCal, San Diego was considered a touchy-feely town. Seems someone took that literally.

* A man survived being hit by a Chicago-bound train. Since it was going to Chicago, I’m surprised it wasn’t a bullet train.

* News is like, “Damn, no kids were killed… quick, come up with another angle to keep people in their seats and scared!”

8/21

* I was a guest on the Apartment J Podcast!

8/22

* Don’t Walk So Fast, performing all the songs of Rush! #FatTributeBands

* First Class Passengers, performing all the songs of Aerosmith! #FatTributeBands

* Feastie Boys, performing all the songs of the Beastie Boys! #FatTributeBands

* Vanilla Ice Cream, performing all the songs of Vanilla Ice! #FatTributeBands

* Rascal DMC, performing all the songs of Run DMC! #FatTributeBands

* I hope I get to see something this awesome at #DragonCon! #Handicapable #StarWars #NerdNation

wheel_chair_costumes_07

8/23

* Apparently Jersey Girl was a movie about Bruce Wayne lowering his standards to working class girls. Good call #KevinSmith!

* Posted the audio from my appearance at the Homegrown Comedy Show!

* Posted the audio from my appearance at the Clockwork Comedy Show!

* Just dawned on me that I haven’t had a thing to eat all day. Clearly something must be wrong with me.