BWAHAHA 3/14 – 3/20

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 3/14 – 3/20: I had a really awesome birthday. I didn’t want a birthday party and just asked my friends to come over and play Karaoke Against Humanity with me. But they brought me presents and made it awesome anyway. I got plenty of hot stuff, some alcohol, and goodies, and I got this amazing handmade figurine of me made by my friend Cory. It’s fucking awesome (pic below)! What is Karaoke Against Humanity you ask? Well, you play Cards Against Humanity like normal, but the reader chooses the worst card (in addition to the winning card) and the person who played that card has to sing a random karaoke song to the rest of the players. The way I do it is I pick “songs everyone should know” based on several lists and compile them into a numbered file and then the loser has to pick a random number out of a bowl and sing that number. No one knows what you’re going to sing until it appears on the screen. Don’t know the song? Too fucking bad… just make that shit up.

OTHER STUFF:

• 

  My friend Cory made this for me for my birthday. The details are amazing, from my hanging wallet, to the EBM graphic tee, glasses, and my “gay Jesus stance.” Cory, I love ‘ya man!

• Caught a vendor selling fake gems at the Rock & Gem show. UGH, what a rock tease!

• 

  Good, now I can post this picture on Facebook without having to worry about being banned.

• The IRS mileage rate is now $0.575/mile. Might be time for a trip somewhere…
• 

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS:

• Osmosis: When you lose a couple of pounds listening to Marie Osmond talk about NutriSystem. #NewDefinitions
• I guess we got tired of just zombies getting killed and were like, let’s kill humans tonight. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬
• Only the good die young. ‪#‎TWD‬ ‪#‎DeadBuzz‬ ‪#‎RIPNoah‬
• Interstellar would have been a better movie if the wormhole went to ‪#‎Poopiter‬ @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

• 

  No one told Tigger that bouncing was illegal in Thailand. Tigger done bounced too far this time!

BWAHAHA: 11/9 – 11/15

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/9 – 11/15: Great time this week with friends. Friends who can enjoy a great laugh, can make you laugh, and laugh with you and sometimes at you, these are the friends who I cherish the most. Announced this week, I’ll be performing at Comedy Rush on 12/6 at the Rush Nightclub in Huntsville, Alabama! Details to come!

11/9

Just sang What a Wonderful World in my Louis Armstrong voice. My vocal chords hate me.

I invented a drink tonight called the Smurfette Gusher. Yeah, that kind of gush.

11/10

Lady in front of me ran into car in front of her in drive-thru. Neither got out of their cars. Weird.

My battery is dead. Breaking out into song, “Stranded At the Laundromat” all John Travolta style!

Of course the McRib comes back after I start my new diet.

I bought lighter shoes so that when I weighed myself I would think I’d lost more weight.

11/11

Now I know what I’m getting everyone for Christmas!

11/12

Today the arbitrary numbers of 11/12/13 14:15:16 will come up and people will get oddly excited about it.

I step outside every once in a while so I can better appreciate how warm my house actually is.

11/13

I don’t think rappers who names themselves “Yung __” or “Young __” are very confident about a long-lasting career.

Tonight, a friend of mine reminded me of how old I am: he never experienced the Cold War. Weird.

Oh Facebook, you temptress! I don’t live in NYC and I doubt the owner of that butt lives there, either. And should I “Create an Ad Like This for The Critical Eye Podcast” like it says?

Life: TL;DR

11/14

“Along Comes Mary” by Bloodhound Gang. #JesusJukeBox

POLICE: Jesus arrested after participating in communion. Suspect is charged with auto-cannibalism.

I’m confused: Is autoeroticism self love or fucking a car?

Autoerotic-asphyxiation: masturbating in the garage with the car running.
If you open the garage door when the car is running, then you kinda miss the point of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Oh, 1970’s and your silly clothing. Should I forgive my mother for dressing me like this? #throwbackthursday
My Mom’s defense, “What other 18 months old wore guess jeans and a guess leather belt.” Okay, I forgive her.

The best part about Fall is that no one can sneak up on you.

There is nothing to see here… keep on moving. #throwbackthursday
I’ve always labeled this photo as “The Unknown Comic,” but my Mom told me the story behind this photo after posting it. I got into my grandmother’s alcohol and was drunk off my ass. My mother of course advised my grandmother to put the alcohol up higher. So I said, “Well, I guess I should now label it “The Unknown Drunk,” to which my Mom replied, “No trust me, you were very comical.”

11/15

Had to use a fiber optic cable to get a clog out of the sink. That was an expensive unclogging. I threw out all my metal hangers after watching Mommy Dearest.

Started raining. Ambulance sirens in 3… 2… 1…

We’re often like blind men in a diamond mine: not realizing the value of that which is right in front of us.

This is what happens after I host a party at my house.

BWAHAHA: 11/2 – 11/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/2 – 11/8: This was a crazy party week for me. We played Karaoke Against Humanity, where you play around of Cards Against Humanity and after the winner is picked, the reader picks the worst card. The owner of the worst card then has to sing a random karaoke song. The songs were numbered instead of listed by artist/title. The loser picked a number out of a hat and then sang the corresponding song number. We thought it would be a small turnout, but we had 20+ people show up. It was a fucking blast and loads of laughs! Not to mention, I’m still emotionally distraught over Carol and Rick breaking up. Sigh…

11/2

C’mon Big Pharma! Make an anti-stupid pill already! There are soooooooo many people that have the stupid disease!

11/4

After reading the news I almost want to support Eugenics: then I realize we might accidentally kill smart people.

This program depicts highly trained professionals having sex. Do not attempt without getting paid for it.

11/6

Tonight I met a Latina from Brooklyn: she spoke with a Spanish & Brooklyn accent. I’ll call it Sprooklyn. It was cute.

Why did the tornado cross the road?
To kill the chicken.

When the Chinese invade America, most Americans will just think there’s a tornado on the way.

11/7

“Woman’s 16 cats consume her dead body to stay alive.” Suddenly I like cats a lot more.
“Be a Fancy Feast for homeless cats. All donations tax-deductible.”
“We have the purrrrrfect way to dispose of your body!”
I’d rather be eaten by ferocious penguins

An ophthalmologist’s office is a site for sore eyes. #ThatsSoPunny

11/8

The confirmation bias is strong with this one…

Ah, that time of year when you mow the leaves instead of the grass.

Once you’ve reached a high enough level that you can kill a Chimera in two seconds… kinds makes the game boring.

Friday night…
Just got paid…
All my money went to bills…
Ain’t gonna get laid…
(Someone asked me if one of my bills was for getting laid, to which I responded, “No, but maybe it should be. Hell, it’s gonna cost me dinner, movie, gas, and all that shit to take a woman out with no guarantee of sex and then throw in all the fucking strings and emotional bullshit roller-coaster fucktardidness that goes with dating… cheaper to get a hooker and none of that other bullshit to go with it.”)

Facebook wants to know if I want to meet a cougar. At my age, I’m scared to think about that. Then again…
I’m fat, bald, divorced, and 42: I’m not that picky anymore.
I was thinking the other day how many cougars I dated and had sex with when I was in high school. I should mention that I went to Canyon Springs High School, home of the Cougars.

Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s: 8/3 – 8/9

Welcome to my week attempts at haha’s: 8/3 – 8/9. This used to be called “This Week On Twitter” (TWOT) and then this last week I realized that I post on Facebook, do shows, etc., and all of that should really be included. So no more TWOT. Now it’s BWAHAHA (and the pun on “week,” (you know, as in weak) just in case your stupid ass didn’t get it).

8/3

I’m going cosmic bowling. How did I get talked into something that will likely be on YouTube tomorrow.

8/4

Watch me almost fall on my ass while bowling (YouTube)! They stopped video-taping me, but the next frame I fell flat on my back.

I like to go dancing at Charismatic churches, because no one there notices I’m a bad dancer.

Who is writing the #TrueBlood dialog now? The writers for Telemundo soap operas?

8/5

Sat. we played Predictive Cards Against Humanity: lay your white card down before the black card is read. Funny shit.

Heading to Muscle Beach at Venice to work out my new Muscle Car on the boardwalk. #TooSoon

8/7

Christian protesters at #KathyGriffin. Fuck starving kids, that suck it Jesus lady deserves our signs.

My performance at Clockwork Comedy (YouTube)

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell!
Meeting Kathy Griffin at the VBC Green Room in Huntsville, AL.

Introducing some random fat guy!
Kathy Griffin at the VBC.

Nothing says fuck the third world like urinal televisions!

8/8

While waiting for Kathy Griffin, Jeph noticed people 2 rows ahead are looking at my FB pictures and says, “Dude, you’re famous!”

The only legal #StopAndFrisk should be by strippers dressed as cops. And even then only if you ask. #StopTheInsanity

The insects are throwing a party in my yard because all the rain washed away my Traizicide that I put down.

8/9

“Live Your Life Like No One’s Watching” may be a great motto, but I’m pretty sure I’d be arrested for indecent exposure.

Headline: “Two children, pilot missing after plane crashes into CT homes” … Um, I’m pretty sure where they’re at.

Oh good grief! It’s obviously something on the camera screen!