BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 7/18 – 11/20: Boy am I waaaaaaaaaay behind! A lot’s happened since my last BWAHAHA. I moved to Austin, TX. I eliminated stress in my life and made a lot of life changes in order to be happy before I die. This means I’ve added a few things to my bucket list. Prior to this, I had done everything on my bucket list. The only thing left to add was make-believe shit and crimes. But now that I’m like stress free and really happy with my life, there’s new shit I gotta try! Wish me luck!
What else? I got to see the Psychedelic Furs live! What an amazing show. It was also the first concert that Suzie and I have been to where we weren’t the oldest people there! Also got to finally see Mr. Kitty, who puts on one helluva an enthusiastic performance. He hugged me after the show, so scratch that one off my new happy bucket list!
- Watching Doomsday Preppers for shits & giggles. Some stuff to learn, but really love how NatGeo calls ’em out on their BS on the screen.
- In my back yard yelling at the bats, “Eat them fucking skeeters! Eat ’em!”
- Watching “An Honest Liar” with Suzie (doc about The Amazing Randi) and we saw me. That was really cool!
- My car is in The Chive today! Check out #19 on “That’ll Buff Out.”
- Teaching Suzie to play Skyrim was an adventure. Watching her play… well, let’s just say my stamina and patience bars ran dry.
- I can’t wait until Obama’s fifth term when he FINALLY takes everyone’s guns, makes abortions mandatory, and outlaws Christianity!
- Upstairs bathroom has a line of thirty people. I go downstairs. Only one in the bathroom. #Sheeple
- @StateFarm asked me, “What kind of cake will they serve at your retirement?”
- I’m pretty sure it’ll be a funeral cake. #LifeGoals
- If you’re a bad dancer, just go to a Charismatic Church to dance: no one will notice how bad you are. #Camouflage
- Never forget 911! It saves lives. Operators are standing by!
- The irony of 9/11 Truthers is that they’re not.
- Amazing how passive aggressive yard sale shoppers are. It’s $.50. Just buy the damn thing. LOL
- The problem with listening to Industrial Music is having to constantly turn the radio off. Is that weird sound on the CD or your car?
- All future Presidential debates should not just have a moderator, but a fact-checker, who instantly calls candidates out on lies & bullshit.
- My typehoes have ingreased exponinshooly as the peace of glaz stuck in my indicks fingrrrr gets moar and moar infecktid.
- I shall power wash my sidewalk in the rain. That way I won’t notice the power washer is soaking me.
- I find it amusing that the Alabama Beverage Control has recipes on its web page and price list for stores. #StateSupportOfAlcoholism
- Woman in line has clearly Googled herself to “expert” on Alzheimers and Dementia. Problem is, she’s completely full of shit.
- We’ve all encountered this idiot in parking lots. Don’t be this idiot.
- I learned today that the Japanese have a term similar to the American “Butterface:” Bakku-shan (pretty behind but not front) #ShallowWorld
- You’d think that almost 45 years on the planet I’d have this pancake flipping thing down. Nope. I eat pancake-like bites. #DoingitWrong
- At the Chinese Buffet my Godzilla roar ring tone sounds. Table next to me loses it laughing so hard. Racists; Godzilla was Japanese!
- Damn, I think I put too much alcohol in the praline milkshake… nope… no I didn’t. Any amount is just right. #PreDebateDrinking
- Just saw someone spell chasin’ as chasen. Awww, isn’t Alabama education so cute!
- Dear creators of The Flash… visitation phones in prisons are recorded. The DOC knows who The Flash is.
- The news reporting that a 3.5 occurred in California is like the news reporting that it rained in the Rain Forest. #SlowNewsDay
- Overheard at Kroger, “Remember spitting the seeds out? Now watermelon is seedless. That’s unnatural.” #TheStupidItHurts
- That might have been the fakest polite customer service rep I’ve ever talked to.
- Hello Austin! I’m here. First up, Whataburger!
- Having a Whataburger two miles from the apartment may become problematic. #FirstWorldProblems #Austin
- CVS Rep: What’s your birthday?, Me: 3/12/71, CVS Rep: 1971?, Me: Umm…..
- The beginning of The Last Witch Hunter is scenes from The Lord of the Rings. Then you see a massive Groot.
- Staff, “Would you like a complimentary Miller Lite?”
- Me, “No thanks.”
- GF, “Why not?
- Me, “Free isn’t always good.”
- Next time you make a cappuccino at home, add a teaspoon of Swiss Miss hot chocolate to it. BAM! You’re welcome.
- What on earth is that yippy little fucking dog barking at all day? Is it a illegal to slip valium into the neighbor’s dog’s food?
- The Internet is abuzz about aliens out west because the Internet is too stupid to use Google for 2 minutes to learn it’s just a rocket. SMH
- Is there a point where Thea Queen dies so she’ll stop being such an annoying character? #Arrow
- When in uniform and someone wished me a Happy Veteran’s Day, I’d respond, “It’s Veteran’s Day not Active Duty Day. Go thank a homeless vet.”
- THE REFUGEE SITUATION:
- Remember that time we refused to let the Irish in because of the chance one of them might be an IRA member? Fun times, right?
- Remember that time the Colonies refused to allow any ships come in from England because one of the passengers might be a British spy? No?
- Remember when we refused to allow refugees from Kosovo, Yugoslavia, and Macedonia in because one might be a bad person? Those were the days!
- Remember that time we locked up all the Japanese citizens for fear of one being a spy? Oh wait… we actually did that shit. Never mind.
- Remember all those Russian refugees and asylum seekers we denied entry because one might be a legit communist or Russian spy? No?
- Remember all the dangerous Nazis we kept out, refusing to let them be part of the USA and we made sure they didn’t’ touch our space program?
- Remember when we refused to pick up Vietnamese refugees at the embassy during the evacuation of Vietnam because one might be a commie?
- Not allowing 10,000 refugees in as one might be a terrorist is like not having sex with 10,000 women as one might have an STD. #TerrorCondom
140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS
- I think I’ll use my juicer to make a green juice of water hemlock, white snakeroot, and belladonna. #AllNatural #GreenLife #Organic
- The problem with having sex with Irish women is you can’t tell if you had sex because of your pickup skills or a bit o’ luck.
- The problem with having sex with American women is that they all think they’re #1 even though world travelers know otherwise.
- The problem with having sex with Canadian women is that you have to carry an English condom and a French Tickler at all times.
- The problem with having sex with Italian women is they like their noodles to be al dente.
- The problem with having sex with Scottish women is many don’t think they’re strong enough to do the caber toss.
- The problem with having sex with Greek women is they say they like plain yogurt, but they really don’t.
- The problem with having sex with French women is they throw in the towel at the first pick up line.
- The problem with having sex with Egyptian women is they try to get you in on their pyramid scheme.
- The problem with having sex with Australian women is they make you nervous, but at least take you in and feed you breakfast.
- The problem with having sex with South African women is they give preference to vanilla positions.
- The problem with having sex with Icelandic women is is you think they’re Swedish Chef because all they talk about is, “Bjork, Bjork, Bjork.”
- GOP DEBATE
- So far, this feels more like a Jerry Springer show than a debate. #GOPDebate #Awkward #UnleadedACan
- So far, there is a roughly 25% rate of actually answering the question. Masters of political avoidance answers. #GOPDebate
- Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! #RepublicanMatingCall #GOPDebate
- Scott Walker was like, “Oh shit, they asked me about #BlackLivesMatter”. Lemme give a BS answer quickly. #GOPDebate
- Every candidate was like, “Thank God they asked the black guy the race relations question!” #GOPDebate
- I’m greatly disappointed that FOX News did not give every candidate a chance to out-Jesus the other candidates. #GOPDebate
- For the next question, how long would you be willing to suck Ronald Reagan ‘ dick? #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
- They finally asked how long each candidate would suck Reagan’s dick! #GOPDebate #Reaganophilia
- Just seen: open top Jeep, large Confederate flag on PVC, John Deere hat on driver, blaring country music. #StereotypesAreReal
- I hate chasing girls. I’d rather they just come to me. #TropicalStormEricka
- I see stores are already putting up Happy Halloween signs. The War on Samhain continues! #ThereIsNoWarOnHolidays
- FACEBOOK DOWN, POLITICS STYLE:
- #FacebookDown is an inside job! #NeverForget928 #FacebookTruthers
- “Don’t blame me for Facebook being down, I’m not in charge of that company!” – Carly Fiorina #FacebookDown
- “We’ve heard about this #FacebookDown thing. Lots of people talking about it. We’re going to look into it. Build a wall.” – Donald Trump
- “All those anti Kim Davis memes and gay pride profile pictures has led to #FacebookDown! Praise the White Jesus!” – Mike Huckabee
- “Oh my bad, did I plan construction on the Facebook network today without notifying Facebook?” – Chris Christie #FacebookDown
- “#FacebookDown is another piece of evidence pointing to why I’ll bomb Syria if elected.” – Lindsey Graham
- “I’m not #FacebookDown. I’ve never been, I don’t associate with it, and I don’t approve of that lifestyle because of the Bible.” – Ted Cruz
- “#FacebookDown is a complete coincidence to my personal email server being down at the same time.” – Hillary Clinton
- THE WALKING DEAD:
- Heard of that new horror movie, The Barber of Alexandria? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
- At this pace there won’t be any original Alexandrians left for Rick’s to kill. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
- I don’t think they have Herd Immunity. #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead #ScienceJoke
- Darth Vader is watching #TWD and was like, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
- Zombies be like, “Mmm, Korean buffet!” #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
- When is Morgan going to do the Crane Kick during his Karate Kid training montage? #TWD #DeadBuzz #TalkingDead
- INJURE A FILM:
- Citizen Cane #InjureAFilm
- Lawrence of Arabies #InjureAFilm
- Star Warts #InjureAFilm
- Apoxalypse Now #InjureAFilm
- Ataxia Driver #InjureAFilm
- The Sound of Bruises #InjureAFilm
- S*M*A*S*H #InjureAFilm
- Close Encounters of the Third Degree Burn #InjureAFilm
- Forrest Gimp #InjureAFilm
- Ben-Hurt #InjureAFilm
- Dances With Lupus #InjureAFilm
- A Place in the Sunburn #InjureAFilm
- E.T. The Extra Terroristrial #InjureAFilm
@MIDNIGHT HASHTAG WARS
- Oh shit, the Condom broke! #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
- Are your parents having sex? #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight
- Jar-Jar appears in Force Awakens #ScaryStoryIn5Words #StarWars @midnight