BWAHAHA: 11/30 – 12/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/30 – 12/6: I got to spend most of the week in Monroe, Louisiana and Cleburne, Texas (just south of Dallas). And all the driving in between. I left cold weather and arrived in the upper 70’s. Then had to bail quickly before Snowmaggedon or Snowpocalypse started. I left Shreveport, Louisiana right as the cold front was starting to come in and it was 54 degrees. Ten miles later is was 72 degrees. Weather is just fucking weird.

And then there was the sickness. I got horribly sick. I spent the night in Cleburne in a hotel room shaking uncontrollably in a shitty bed, curled in a fetal position, and struggling to breathe. I probably should have gone to the ER, but I have these things called testes which prevent me from going to see a doctor unless another homo sapiens with ovaries is there to insist that I go. Fucking evolution. It was 80 degrees outside and I had to turn the heat on to 85 in order to stop shaking and finally break my fever. I woke up in a pool of sweat so deep that the next night’s customers were going to be sleeping in my wet spot.

On the way back home at the rest area at mile marker 299 on the I-65 in Alabama, a Christian approached me asking about my license plate and the atom vinyl on my hood. He said he was Church of Christ and loved how science proved the Bible. Oh boy… here we go. I asked him to give me one example and he said Noah’s flood. He immediately began to defend his statement when he saw the “Are you fucking serious, you moron?” look on my face. He tells me how science has proved a regional flood, so therefore Noah’s flood was real and therefore science proves the Bible. Okay, so science has indeed found evidence of a regional flood stemming from the Black Sea area that caused massive flooding to reach the Nile. That regional flood occurred 2,000 years after the estimated time of the Noachian Flood. So I asked him, “Science found a regional flood, not global, not 9 cubits above the highest mountain, and no Ark with two of every species, right?” He replies yes. “And this proves a biblical global flood with an Ark carrying two of each species how again?” He didn’t really have an answer for that. He then goes on to tell me that he gives his brother crap for being a biologist and not accepting evolution and that he himself loves science. Then he says American Atheists is doing a great job and to keep up the good work. I left that conversation more confused than he did.

11/30

The jokes are just coming out Fast & Furious tonight…

I wonder if they finished filming Fast & Furious 7 yet…

Someone should have been more Walker and less Driver.

12/1

Was Paul Walker driving the tank? #TheWalkingDead

12/2

Tuscaloosa looks depressed today. I wonder why? Oh well, driving on.

Alabama in my rearview. Mississippi in my windshield. talk about frying pan to fire.

Arrived safe and sound. That’s if you can call Monroe, LA “safe”or “sound.”

12/3

Hotel customer asks if there is a bookstore close by: staff sends him to WalMart. /facepalm

Twelve minute wait for a spicy breast at Popeye’s? Yep, worth it.

Does anyone actually know how to drive in Texas?

Eating nothing but cough drops and Advil is a good diet, right?

12/4

Man, Advil & cough drop farts are the worse!

My body wants to sleep, but my mind is like, “Fuck that, let’s do a one-man show in your head!”

12/5

If I ever own an apartment complex, I’m going to call it Fleur d’Lease.

That’s it, I’m installing a rocket launcher on my car!

Personally, I thought the Mandolin died centuries ago, but everyone seems pissy about it today. Weird.

District 9 was the best documentary about pre-Mandela South Africa.

Diplomatic Immunity!
Just been revoked.
(Mandela joke in disguise)

Every time someone says I pissed in their Wheaties, I take a shit in their oatmeal for good measure.

I was saddened to hear that the actor who starred in Driving Miss Daisy died today. South Africa just won’t be the same without him.

People give preppers shit, but preppers aren’t complaining about the power being out or stores being closed right now.

Some people have sticks so far up their asses that their breath smells like acorns.

I dated cougars when I was in high school. Did I mention I went to Canyon Springs, home of the Cougars?

12/6

Grocery shopping complete!

Yakasobi

Comedians are pretty much truthful liars.

A lesser know historical figure was Jack’s twin brother, John the Mender.

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BWAHAHA: 11/2 – 11/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/2 – 11/8: This was a crazy party week for me. We played Karaoke Against Humanity, where you play around of Cards Against Humanity and after the winner is picked, the reader picks the worst card. The owner of the worst card then has to sing a random karaoke song. The songs were numbered instead of listed by artist/title. The loser picked a number out of a hat and then sang the corresponding song number. We thought it would be a small turnout, but we had 20+ people show up. It was a fucking blast and loads of laughs! Not to mention, I’m still emotionally distraught over Carol and Rick breaking up. Sigh…

11/2

C’mon Big Pharma! Make an anti-stupid pill already! There are soooooooo many people that have the stupid disease!

11/4

After reading the news I almost want to support Eugenics: then I realize we might accidentally kill smart people.

This program depicts highly trained professionals having sex. Do not attempt without getting paid for it.

11/6

Tonight I met a Latina from Brooklyn: she spoke with a Spanish & Brooklyn accent. I’ll call it Sprooklyn. It was cute.

Why did the tornado cross the road?
To kill the chicken.

When the Chinese invade America, most Americans will just think there’s a tornado on the way.

11/7

“Woman’s 16 cats consume her dead body to stay alive.” Suddenly I like cats a lot more.
“Be a Fancy Feast for homeless cats. All donations tax-deductible.”
“We have the purrrrrfect way to dispose of your body!”
I’d rather be eaten by ferocious penguins

An ophthalmologist’s office is a site for sore eyes. #ThatsSoPunny

11/8

The confirmation bias is strong with this one…

Ah, that time of year when you mow the leaves instead of the grass.

Once you’ve reached a high enough level that you can kill a Chimera in two seconds… kinds makes the game boring.

Friday night…
Just got paid…
All my money went to bills…
Ain’t gonna get laid…
(Someone asked me if one of my bills was for getting laid, to which I responded, “No, but maybe it should be. Hell, it’s gonna cost me dinner, movie, gas, and all that shit to take a woman out with no guarantee of sex and then throw in all the fucking strings and emotional bullshit roller-coaster fucktardidness that goes with dating… cheaper to get a hooker and none of that other bullshit to go with it.”)

Facebook wants to know if I want to meet a cougar. At my age, I’m scared to think about that. Then again…
I’m fat, bald, divorced, and 42: I’m not that picky anymore.
I was thinking the other day how many cougars I dated and had sex with when I was in high school. I should mention that I went to Canyon Springs High School, home of the Cougars.