BWAHAHA: 11/23 – 11/29

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 11/23 – 11/29: Well this was certainly a fun week! I think my friends and I spent more time together this week than I spent in my mom’s uterus (I was born premature).

11/23

My dad drove up from Florida in shorts & t-shirt. Now he’s freezing in 8 degree wind chill. Moron.

11/24

On a cold night like tonight, if Dr. Sidney Russell were still alive, I’d suck him off.

What I’m getting religious family members for Christmas.

Jackhammer Jesus

Liam Neeson’s cock is so big, that Sylvia Browne actually saw it coming. #HollywoodBabbleOn

Protesting Black Friday and looking forward to a White Christmas? RACIST!

I went to a Sudanese restaurant today and was served a W.H.O. Food Pack. So disappointed.

This year I’m celebrating Thanksgrieving. I’ll start the meal off by listing the people I didn’t shed a tear for when they died.

11/25

#CelebritiesIWantToSeeNaked is trending. I wanted to put Fiona as a joke, but the Internet already provided naked Fiona.

11/26

My reality show idea: reality “stars” sit down and take the ASVAB so we can all see how dumb they really are.

Only 2 1/2 days left until Rebecca Black Friday!

My BCDC (Blood Cheese Dip Count) is getting below my legal limits. Must rectify this before withdraws set in.

The candle holder priests shouldn’t be purchasing:

Priest Candle Holder (Before)

See what I mean….

Priest Candle Holder (After)

11/27

Anybody else old enough to remember as kids playing with that amazing toy: the stick?

When I was a kid I hated chores, so my motto was, “Hasbro before hoes.”

As a kid I got mad at mom for limiting my freedom. Now I’m grown up and realize it was silly, especially once I found out about Republicans.

I wonder how different America would be if “elections” were like Battle Royale.

Tomorrow, millions of Americans will blame their gluttony-induced tiredness on Tryptophan. #BlamingTheVictim

Critical Eye Podcast: E040 Thanksgrieving archive is up!

#GodHasBlessedMeWith cancer. Oh wait, that’s my neighbor. Oh wait, god doesn’t exist.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith great music. And by God I mean Robert Smith from The Cure.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith sustenance. And by God I mean Mexican food. And Carmelita, my French Maid.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith a great view. And by God I mean the woman next door who dances naked in her yard.

#GodHasBlessedMeWith satisfaction. And by God I mean Porn.

11/28

For Hanukkah I’m eating bacon-flavored Matzah Balls.

I wanted to say something heartfelt about Native Americans on this Thanksgiving, but then was like, “Fuck ’em, they lost.”

#ThrowbackThursday – 70’s curtains backdrop my 80’s self!

70's Curtains, 80's Clothes

I’m thankful that I’m not doing an “I’m thankful” post.

I’m going to fight the legalization of marijuana for the sole reason that I cannot afford the munchies.

11/29

Santa came early. So much for the pulling out strategy.

I got your duck face right here!

Duckface

BWAHAHA: 10/5 – 10/11

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/5 – 10/11: I spent this week mostly in jail. That reaction you just had? Yeah, that’s the one I love when people read when I say things like that and they don’t realize I work for jails and prisons. Good times. While I was at the jail, the local BB&T bank was robbed. When I posted about it, people asked me if I was playing Grand Theft Auto. Yeah… hard to tell between GTA5 and real life sometimes. #ThankYouJesusFor GTA5! I also spent Friday night in the ER with suspected acute Cholecystitis. It’s very painful shit (well, pre-shit, since it’s the gall bladder). No gall stones, so they think my gall bladder is simply not functioning. My ER doc, who is British, comes in and writes me a three week scrip of Percocet. So I say, “Three weeks? That’s an awful lot of Percocet.” He responds, “Well, you can’t call to make an appointment with the gastro surgeon until Tuesday, and he probably won’t be able to see you until two weeks out. So yeah, welcome to American healthcare.” He then adds, “In Britain, I would have a gastro surgeon in here already looking you over, but hey, at least you pay a lot for what you get!” Touche, my British doctor… touche!

10/5

I’ve been playing too much #GTA5… caught myself going 120 MPH on the freeway earlier. Oops.

10/8

My ex-girlfriend is half Mexican and half Irish. She’s culturally confused, so she drinks green Dos Equis.

If the Republican Congress died in a plane crash, I would shed a tear… for the plane.

I love it when the GOP compares Obama to Hitler, especially since Hitler would agree with the GOP on almost everything.

My toast always lands butter side up, but that’s because I butter both sides.

10/9

So #ThankYouJesusFor is trending on Twitter. My asshole genes are itching to get in on this action.

#ThankYouJesusFor killing all those kids in Iraq earlier this week. Keep shining that light of love you hippie!

#ThankYouJesusFor giving my friend cancer and then curing it (well, the doctors did that, but you get the credit anyway).

#ThankYouJesusFor saving my buddy from the tornado. But yeah, fuck the family across the street that it killed.

#ThankYouJesusFor keeping all those kids in Africa and India starving while my preacher eats well from tithes!

#ThankYouJesusFor starting the zombie craze! I love me some Zombiepocalypse!

#ThankYouJesusFor for teaching me to turn the other cheek: comes in handy during spankings.

#ThankYouJesusFor loving me unconditionally, well, except for that threat of hell thing.

#ThankYouJesusFor loving me, but you never call! So I’m having an affair with Hera.

#ThankYouJesusFor getting viruses on the Ark. We really appreciate that shit.

#ThankYouJesusFor all the blood on Via Dolorosa. You know, someone had to clean that mess up! Way to ruin someone’s day, you jerk!

#ThankYouJesusFor for cutting the tip of my penis off. Now I have a porn star penis!

#ThankYouJesusFor abstinence only sex ed. Now my chances of anal sex are greatly improved! #TechnicalVirgin

I’d like to start a donation drive to pay for a delivery of Pampers to the Republicans in DC.

10/10

Way too many women posting #ProteinForGirls on Twitter after they “work out.”

10/11

I find your lack of taste disturbing.

Being single is both awesome and horrible. Relationships attempt to find a compromise between those two extremes.

BWAHAHA: 8/31 – 9/6

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/31 – 9/6: I spent the weekend at DragonCon. I really need to write a “what I learned at DragonCon” article, but I’ll probably be too lazy to fucking do it. Don’t forget that I’ll be performing 9/13 at the Homegrown Comedy Show taking place at the Flying Monkey Arts Center in Huntsville, Alabama. The show starts at 8 PM and is only $7 at the door. Oh yeah, and you can bring your own booze!

9/1

Professor Elemental is one of the nicest Brits I’ve ever met. ;)

9/2

Half of Dragoncon is spent on, “Let’s talk about what we’re gonna do.”

The sharks did the best acting in Sharknado.

Best part of Sharknado was changing the channel to the James Franco roast.

9/3

Just dawned on me that one way to end childhood cancer is to stop having children.

My doctor just diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. Either I need a new doctor or he’s suggesting I need to dump my girlfriend.

My body is like, “You know all that horrible food you ate at DragonCon? Yeah, let’s get rid of all of it in the next hour.”

A well-known singer/group doing half-assed versions of their hits while surrounded by choreographed dancers. #SuperBowlPrediction

9/4

Really? We’re bringing up Benghazi? Will someone cancel the Republitards prescription of Benghazi Viagra.

Why doesn’t Facebook have a relationship status of “Fuck It?”

9/5

Whenever I find myself in agreement with Republicans I have to ask myself, “Okay, where did I get my facts wrong?”

Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore shall we come out on the field late!”

9/6

Idiot in Alabama, “I don’t think it was a chemical attack. I think it was a pesticide attack.” Umm… what’s pesticide?