This week on Twitter (6/1 – 6/7)

This week on Twitter (6/1 – 6/7)

6/2

My shrink explained my bipolar(ism), “One week you’re Keanu Reeves and the next, Gary Busey.” Point. Break.

Two birds few into my ride-on blades. One is a freak accident. Two.. that’s terrorism. Going to war with Birdistan.

6/3

Dear Turkey, please don’t let your issues interfere with my shipment of Turkish Delights. Thanks!

My girlfriend and I have a homophobic relationship: we’re afraid to do it homo sapiens style.

6/4

So glad white people are playing Indians again. Now we just gotta go back to Black Face. #LoneRangerMovie

I tried the Hip Hop Workout, but my hips just jiggled and wouldn’t hop. Oh well… back to Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

6/5

Just created a diet called Lift Off Radical Diet: the catch phrase is, “The L.O.R.D. is my strength.”

Most things we eat with a fork are easier to eat with a spoon. We don’t do it because it looks, I dunno, European.

6/7

Meat is supposed to cause SBD’s. I’ve got the D, however my B is definitely not S.

#GEICOcommercial “And how happy are they Jimmy?” “Happier than Ted Haggard in a massage parlor.”

Slut-shaming makes no sense. Shouldn’t we be slut-encouraging?

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31)

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31): Only two more months to go to get caught up! You know you love it!

5/26

It’s Sunday on the mountain, which means we’re playing Tim Minchin at a high volume for all the camping believers.

For all the misbehaved children in the world, there are not enough machete-wielding Muslims.

5/27

Either that’s a bird call I’ve never heard or someone is fucking in their tent.

On this Memorial Day, find a vet and have consensual sex with them. You may just prevent a suicide. Did I mention I’m a Navy vet?

I feel human again. But I still wouldn’t recommend feeding me through the bars.

The great thing about being bipolar is convincing women they’re dating twins.

Only half of me is offended at bipolar jokes. My other half doesn’t know he’s bipolar.

5/28

Now that we can send weapons to Syria, I nominate Chuck Norris.

5/29

Conservatives will miss Marcus Bachmann: he gave ’em permission to pretend to be straight.

5/30

Shakespeare is #BadShakespeare.

#TypesOfRelationships : agoraphobic, where you’re afraid to pull out.