This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19)

This week on Twitter (7/13 – 7/19): All caught up!

7/13

I think it’s convenient that churches and banks are named the same: First Bank and First Baptist. Peas in a pod!

After Zimmerman’s acquittal he went to the 7/11 and bought some Skittles.

Now that the Zimmerman trial is over, can we get some news on Iraq, Afghanistan, and everything else?

The Zimmerman jury stood its ground against justice or the prosecution didn’t stand its ground against reasonable doubt.

If I ever get in trouble with the law, I’m going to request a court martial, because my peers are fucking stupid.

7/14

On my way to Monroe, Louisiana. All my shots and immunizations are up-to-date, so I should be okay.

7/15

Next season of Glee may actually be worth watching.

Apparently this (Monroe, LA) is the home of Duck Dynasty. Well, that explains a lot.

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong Blasphemous Rumours (by Depeche Mode).

#NameYourVaginaAfterASong The Red (by Chevelle), well, at least once a month.

7/16

I’m surprised Monteith didn’t die of a Glee overdose.

I’d do heroine and alcohol until I died if I was 31-years-old and playing a 17-year-old high school kid.

I hear George Zimmerman just created an account on blackpeoplemeet.com. Anyone know if that’s true?

7/17

The preacher up the street souled out to the highest bidder.

7/18

Call it blasphemy, but I follow the facts: the Burger King rib sandwich is better than the McRib.

7/19

All my dreams last night involved me getting shot, stabbed, run over, in wrecks, falling, beat up, etc. Guess I should have drank more.

You’re beautiful #MarcusBachmann! #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay

#SexIsReallyGoodWhen you’re still cleaning the tapioca out three days later.

I celebrate #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay by staying inside because I’m not big on giving compliments.

Is it a coincidence that #NationalTellAGirlSheIsBeautifulDay also happens to be #NationalCheesyPickupLineDay ?

I need a massage so bad that I’ll even take one without a happy ending or even accept one from a dude.

Best trick of the Republicans: going so far right that the left is now Goldwater Republicans. Well played!

I bought carpenter jeans. They so soft and roomy! And now I can turn water into wine. Weird.

Maybe Zimmerman is a homophobe and just couldn’t handle Travyon tasting the rainbow…

Let’s fuck with liberals and conservatives at the same time: drone kill Zimmerman.

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

6/8

I must be going through MANopause: the Chamber of Secrets just made me tear up.

How come on the 40+ dating site I get returns for 20-year-olds? Talk about false advertising! Or did I join daddyissues.com?

6/9

99% of emails I get are Spam. Sure wish someone would email me a steak or two.

#SongsThatNeverGetOld – “Forever Young”

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you weren’t duct-taped.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you shop at Dollar General instead of Family Dollar.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you think WalMart is cheap.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you’ve never eaten Ramen noodles for over a week.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you don’t understand the Hispanic hierarchy.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf the intersection of 2nd & Main hasn’t appealed to you a couple of times.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf prostitution wasn’t an option at your school’s career day.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you never went to Communion just because you were hungry.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf if talk about White Privilege didn’t make you realize how hungry you were for a cracker.

I’m convinced half the world’s recipes were created by poor people figuring how to match the crap in their cupboards.

It’s sunny and thundering. Hmm… guess I better check on the alien invasion.

Losing your friend to a cyclops knocking him off a cliff is bad enough, but losing all the supplies in his backpack is even worse.

6/10

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Still Left of the Right”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Once You Go Barrack, You Never Go Back.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Drones: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Putting the Republican Back In Goldwater Republican.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “At Least We’re Not the Rape Caucus.”

You can’t be mad at me for running into you if you materialize right in front of me. Stupid ghosts!

6/13

A Republican said something offensive about rape and women? That’s absurd, Republicans don’t do that! ;)

SCOTUS rules no patent of human genes. So much for that Biggus Dickus gene I was working on.

I aim to please… but sometimes I miss and get it on the tits.

6/14

Sitting here naked, covered in blood & tapioca, thinking, “It’s only 10:30? Now what am I supposed to do for another six and a half hours?”