This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

This week on Twitter (6/29 – 7/5)

6/30

Getting whiffs of marijuana while sitting at my desk. Either someone’s smoking tons near my house or I’m having a frontal lobe seizure.

#BETAwardsPreShow, all these posts about B. Scott are really confusing me.

#BETAwardsPreShow, they just gave #KanyeWest his own microphone this year.

OMG, why didn’t someone tell me that Deb killed LaGuerta!?!?!?!

7/1

Teabaggers are happy today: Obama went back to Africa. I don’t have the heart to tell them he’s coming back.

I can’t tell if #summerknights is a new song or a code letting the Klan know they can wear short-sleeve robes.

7/2

#IfMyMomHadATwitter she’d never use it, because she could never talk in less than 140 characters.

#TheSecretToLifeIs laughing at the size of your penis instead of crying over it.

Technically speaking, a log cabin is a treehouse.

7/4

My friend is stuck at the Sheremetyevo Airport. Apparently there was a blizzard because the airport is #Snowden.

Anyone else heard that new Bangles’ song, “Coup Like An Egyptian?”

Apparently the Egyptians don’t like The Smiths, as they just kicked #Morsi out.

Celebrating July 4th by kicking a Native American in the balls. Just feels like the right thing to do.

Apparently, fans of The Smiths have decided to fight back and get #Morsi back into Egypt.

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21)

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21): Only one more month to go to get caught up! Woohoo!

6/15

Holy shit! Superman is an alien?!?!?! Yeah, we knew that, but Nolan made sure we fucking knew it!

#ItsNotAPartyWithout an ambulance showing up.

Sitting here pondering the irony of #TeamRape raping themselves politically.

6/16

Father’s Day always make me wonder how many children I have running around Europe.

Without the drug war, “COPS” would be five minutes of trailer park wife-beating and only air once a month.

Got excited when I saw “Top Hooker” on the TV Guide, only to be disappointed to find out it’s a fishing show.

6/17

To make sure I got it: Our education is not educational enough for the education of or educational sexist needs? #MissUtah What’d I miss?

6/19

Uh-oh, Obama took his jacket off, that means his American Flag isn’t visible anymore to those socialist Europeans.

James Gandolfini, he sleeps with the fishes.

You come to me, on my daughter’s wedding day, to tell me that James Gandolfini has died! No respect!

James Gandolfini has gone on to Where the Wild Things Are.

I heard that Jimmy Hoffa died today. Is that true?

6/21

Cooker, please! #PaulaDeen will be just fine, after all she’s really famous in The South.

A #Teabagger emails me asking how they can be racist if they have black supporters. Translation: I’m not racist, I have black friends!

#TalibanHitSongs Stone Dead Forever (by Motorhead)

#TalibanHitSongs Killing Stone (Hootie & the Blowfish)

#TalibanHitSongs Eyes Without a Face (Billy Idol)

#TalibanHitSongs Have You ever Seen Her Face (Byrds)

#TalibanHitSongs Women’s Prison (Loretta Lynn)

#TalibanHitSongs Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down (Robert Plant)

A #JodiArias TV Movie? Didn’t we see enough of that loony bin on the 24/7 TV Show called CNN?

Zimmerman Jury: 5 white and 1 Hispanic or African-American… because they can’t say 5 white and 1 brown.

Breaking News: Jesus & the KKK forgive #PaulaDeen.

I guess I need to stop talking about being single on FB. Every ad is women looking for fat, bald, and old men.

It’s okay that #PaulaDeen said the N-word, because she followed it with, “Bless his heart.”

#PaulaDeen’s best recipe was her recipe for disaster.

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

6/8

I must be going through MANopause: the Chamber of Secrets just made me tear up.

How come on the 40+ dating site I get returns for 20-year-olds? Talk about false advertising! Or did I join daddyissues.com?

6/9

99% of emails I get are Spam. Sure wish someone would email me a steak or two.

#SongsThatNeverGetOld – “Forever Young”

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you weren’t duct-taped.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you shop at Dollar General instead of Family Dollar.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you think WalMart is cheap.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you’ve never eaten Ramen noodles for over a week.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you don’t understand the Hispanic hierarchy.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf the intersection of 2nd & Main hasn’t appealed to you a couple of times.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf prostitution wasn’t an option at your school’s career day.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you never went to Communion just because you were hungry.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf if talk about White Privilege didn’t make you realize how hungry you were for a cracker.

I’m convinced half the world’s recipes were created by poor people figuring how to match the crap in their cupboards.

It’s sunny and thundering. Hmm… guess I better check on the alien invasion.

Losing your friend to a cyclops knocking him off a cliff is bad enough, but losing all the supplies in his backpack is even worse.

6/10

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Still Left of the Right”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Once You Go Barrack, You Never Go Back.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Drones: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Putting the Republican Back In Goldwater Republican.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “At Least We’re Not the Rape Caucus.”

You can’t be mad at me for running into you if you materialize right in front of me. Stupid ghosts!

6/13

A Republican said something offensive about rape and women? That’s absurd, Republicans don’t do that! ;)

SCOTUS rules no patent of human genes. So much for that Biggus Dickus gene I was working on.

I aim to please… but sometimes I miss and get it on the tits.

6/14

Sitting here naked, covered in blood & tapioca, thinking, “It’s only 10:30? Now what am I supposed to do for another six and a half hours?”