BWAHAHA: 8/2 – 8/8

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 8/2 – 8/8: Well this week was horrible for my normal job, but at least I finally resolved the problems by the end of the week and was able to enjoy my weekend: date night with my girlfriend, got to see a play (Bare), games with friends, mowing the lawn (I consider that a relaxing event since I ride a John Deere mower), and playing some Skyrim. We saw Into the Storm, the new tornado disaster movie (yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt). I wrote a review of the movie after seeing what I thought was some unfair criticism of the film. There’s plenty of legitimate criticisms of the film, there’s no reason to get unfair on it.

Okay, seriously, if you do not know the answer to something, then do not guess or make shit up. I read 76 comments of people guessing at what a spider was (pic posted by someone on a Facebook group) and only one guessed sort of right. Unfortunately, I’m not in the group, so I could not give this person the right answer. The spider was nephila clavipes and they are gorgeous (seriously, do a Google search for nephila clavipes). Oh, and what you call a banana spider IS NOT A FUCKING BANANA SPIDER! UGH! (BTW, this is an actual “banana spider:” Phoneutria fera)

OTHER STUFF

I hate when people guess when they don’t know. Just say, “I don’t know.” It’s OK. “I don’t know” is often a precursor to “Let’s find out!”

I made the mistake of wearing black to pick up the dog from the groomers. Now I have more hair than the dog.

The Happy Mondays were playing in the theater bathroom. The Happy Mondays! On the radio! In Huntsville, AL! Weird, yet awesome. And then to top it off, The Farm were playing inside the restaurant! Did Alabama suddenly discover music other than Top 40 crap and Country?

Going to see Into the Storm on Friday. Sure, I’ll cringe at some of the bad science, but I’m expecting to love the movie because, you know, it has tornadoes and shit in it.

My review of Into the Storm.

Yes, I wore my Alabama Storm Chasers t-shirt to see Into the Storm!

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS

The #ISS is moving at 17,144 MPH. Someone’s gonna get a speeding ticket when flying over Alabama! #CantDrive55

I feel like I should be watching CNN for over-dramatic coverage accompanied by scary graphics and music, but I’m resisting. #Iselle

Just saw two guys kissing on stage… And I didn’t get an erection, turn gay, or want to leave my girlfriend. #DisappointingGayAgenda

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: Clingy Butt Hairs Not Included #ShartToys @midnight

Power Through It Rangers #ShartToys @midnight

LEGO Brick. #ShartToys @midnight

Battleshit #ShartToys @midnight

Pooperation #ShartToys @midnight

Razor Kick Folding Pooter #ShartToys @midnight

Deuces Wild #ShartToys @midnight

Plinkin’ Logs #ShartToys @midnight

Spelunking Barbie: With Real Guano! #ShartToys @midnight

Jem and the Meadow Muffins #ShartToys @midnight

Mousecrap #ShartToys @midnight

Loop de Poop Racers #ShartToys @midnight

#IntoTheStorm – still a better love story than #Twilight

CAPTION CENTRAL

Here I am, just mining my own business.

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Oh Manta!

Flower Power.

This guy should win wingman of the year award or… his wingman should be fired.

Schools Districts have asked stores for help in eliminating guns at school.

“We then grind the capitalist pigs into tasty pork substitute.”

Go rafting they said. You can get away from people and enjoy the outdoors they said.

Look, it’s the adult version of the ice cream truck! Nothing better than Shopping Cart BBQ! #MmmMmmGood

This week on Twitter (3/8 – 3/15)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/8 to 3/15 (posted in order of Tweets). I spent the weekend in Wichita, KS unplugged mostly and neglected Twitter & Facebook. Thanks to Skeptics of Oz for a great time and letting me do standup for a bunch of heathens!

3/11

Two hyenas escape San Diego Zoo and are recaptured, but not before terrorizing neighborhood by repeatedly saying Mufasa while laughing.

Illinois lawmakers proposed a bill banning lion meat in food: they should call the bill Born Free.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know what the Dewey Decimal Classification is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you don’t have a stick up your arse.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf you know who Lew Moxon is.

#YoureMoreAttractiveIf we’re at a costume party.

I like putting Shrimp on the Barbie. Barbie’s a stripper I know. #OutbackChat

#first30songsonshuffle so can I try a different dance now? Maybe #next30songsontwist?

#mixupmykitchen contest? Who needs a contest when a tornado can do it for you?

A new personal record! Blocked by two hash tag creators in one hour! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

3/12

One would think male Country & Western singers and male Rappers would get along better given their equal treatment of women.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen our ancestors clubbed women and dragged them by the hair. Yeah, it was wrong… but it made sense.

#TheWorldMadeSenseWhen the left was actually left and the right wasn’t driving off the crazy cliff.

#ImEasilyAnnoyedBy blue laws. I should be able to take care of my blue balls any time I want!

3/13

#SomeDayiHopeToSee a meteor impact, as it’s the only natural disaster I haven’t been in.

#SomeDayiHopeToSee Monty Python’s Killer Bunny eat Paul Ryan’s face off. And King Arthur will say, “That rabbit’s dynamite.”

Libertarians drone on and on about the powerful marketplace of ideas. Do they know their ideas lost in that market.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope When Pope Attacks. Earth is invaded by Popes with a cruel sense of humor and love of boys.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope Needs Women” – Martians needed them to mate… the Pope needs ’em to stop Catholic sexism.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Pope In Pink” – Story of the Pope’s first prom and his brand new dress. #HabemusPapam #WhiteSmoke

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “It’s a Pope Pope Pope Pope World!” – Well, at least the media would have us think such.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Il Diavolo a Sette Popas” – The Devil thought he had 7 Popes. Turns out he had all of them.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Dawn of the Pope” – #WhiteSmoke toxins raise the dead and the Vatican gets its apocalypse after all.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Planet of the Popes” – Story of man’s fall as he becomes too stupid to think for himself.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope “Twilight Saga: Breaking Pope” – Glittery vampires take over the Vatican and looking better than Pope dresses.

I voted for Pontius Pilate. #WhiteSmoke

Note: Hipsters and atheist jokes don’t mix. Nasty vagina jokes: like pouring PBR into the meat under their beret-covered tangled hair.

3/14

I wonder if you rub a boy’s penis long enough if it will generate #WhiteSmoke

I’m sorry, but your sister is nicer to me. #BreakUpLines

I was drunk. She was drunk. The horse was drunk. Hey, shit happens. #BreakUpLines

If I wanted to go spelunking, I’d go into an actual cave. #BreakUpLines

I found out the EPA has a warning out on your vagina. #BreakUpLines

Jesus returns: modern Christians crucify him. #SixWordFilmPlots

Republican admits homosexuality: no one surprised. #SixWordFilmPlots

Drone takes out Congress “by accident.” #SixWordFilmPlots

Jesus returns: only National Inquirer notices. #SixWordFilmPlots

Zombie2pacalypse: 2 Pac returns from dead. #SixWordFilmPlots

MacClane sex heart attack: Die Hardest #SixWordFilmPlots