This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26): My attempt to be funny on Twitter from the last week.
7/22
Trying to think of a joke for the new baby, then I realized a country celebrating the birth of a future king is its own joke.
It’s ironic that the state most closely resembling the word vagina has a man who wants to ban the eating of vagina.
7/23
America needs a monarchy. Someone to rule us by birth instead of skill. Ummm….
Today’s #USAToday headline “The People’s Prince.” Here it’s the People’s Constitution: you’re not the “UK Today.”
The royal baby is a royal pain in the ass!
Remember when hardwood floors indicated you were poor and couldn’t afford carpet?
When I was a kid I thought sexism was the religion of sex. Is it too late to change it to that?
I was going to join uniformdating.com but found out that prison uniforms don’t count.
7/24
On my way to Dallas. Yeehaw! Gov. Perry probably has an APB for me.
Driving in Texas without A/C is like going into a whorehouse without a condom: you’re going to feel a burning sensation.
#AnthonyWeiner is not dropping out of the mayoral race and will keep it up.
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Texas should just redo their state motto to, “Don’t Mess With Jesus.”
Ten years ago I started the Veterans of Domestic Wars. I still don’t have any members. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.
7/25
#Smurfs2 did something completely different with Naughty Smurf from what I had in mind.
Every time I see a casino advertising “Loose Slots” I think, “Wow, when did they legalize prostitution here?”
Anyone else notice that the female reproductive tract looks like the Texas Longhorn icon? There’s a bull-riding joke there somewhere.
I have an amazing tan on my left arm.
Every time I masturbate a voice in my head says, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”
So now that #HotPockets are new & improved, how is that going to affect #JimGaffigan?
Cleaning up the mess at SFO: #ProjectRunway
Young black men should throw goofy “scared white folks” into a confused state: dress in nothing but overalls for a month.
Blair Scott: Synthentral 