This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26)

This week on Twitter (7/20 – 7/26): My attempt to be funny on Twitter from the last week.


Trying to think of a joke for the new baby, then I realized a country celebrating the birth of a future king is its own joke.

It’s ironic that the state most closely resembling the word vagina has a man who wants to ban the eating of vagina.


America needs a monarchy. Someone to rule us by birth instead of skill. Ummm….

Today’s #USAToday headline “The People’s Prince.” Here it’s the People’s Constitution: you’re not the “UK Today.”

The royal baby is a royal pain in the ass!

Remember when hardwood floors indicated you were poor and couldn’t afford carpet?

When I was a kid I thought sexism was the religion of sex. Is it too late to change it to that?

I was going to join but found out that prison uniforms don’t count.


On my way to Dallas. Yeehaw! Gov. Perry probably has an APB for me.

Driving in Texas without A/C is like going into a whorehouse without a condom: you’re going to feel a burning sensation.

#AnthonyWeiner is not dropping out of the mayoral race and will keep it up.

Texas should just redo their state motto to, “Don’t Mess With Jesus.”

Ten years ago I started the Veterans of Domestic Wars. I still don’t have any members. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.


#Smurfs2 did something completely different with Naughty Smurf from what I had in mind.

Every time I see a casino advertising “Loose Slots” I think, “Wow, when did they legalize prostitution here?”

Anyone else notice that the female reproductive tract looks like the Texas Longhorn icon? There’s a bull-riding joke there somewhere.

I have an amazing tan on my left arm.

Every time I masturbate a voice in my head says, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

So now that #HotPockets are new & improved, how is that going to affect #JimGaffigan?

Cleaning up the mess at SFO: #ProjectRunway

Young black men should throw goofy “scared white folks” into a confused state: dress in nothing but overalls for a month.

This week on Twitter (7/6 – 7/12)

This week on Twitter (7/6 – 7/12): Not much longer and I’ll be all caught up!


The problem with religion is that the shepherd is also the wolf.

SFO stood its ground and crashed a 777, apparently it had a bag of Skittles. Wait.. I’m getting my news feed confused.

I’m waiting for the flood of Asian driver jokes. #Boeing777 #SFO

Having been in a place crash: to the survivors, I recommend a massage tomorrow. Seriously.

The problem with crashing #Asiana is that you feel like crashing again a few hours later.

Someone got a shitty fortune cookie today.


Redneck girls fighting Cuban-American girls on South Beach while wearing bikinis. #PricelessMiami


I’m a gamer. Don’t fight it. Grab my joystick and let’s play! #MessageToMyFutureSpouse

When I’m an asshole, it’s not your fault: it’s your Mom’s fault. #MessageToMyFutureSpouse


Thousands of ants in my car. They found an unopened butterscotch disc. Wish my smell was that good.

The Gregorian Gringo! #LessPopularWrestlers

Sir Hits-A-Lot! #LessPopularWrestlers

Chewie Kardashian! #LessPopularWrestlers

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy: he only has one hit. #LessPopularWrestlers

The lobbying power that metal coat hanger corporations have over the #GOP continues to amaze me!


Going to Monroe, Louisiana next week. That’s the comedy HQ of Louisiana, right?

LEGO Girls Gone Wild #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Zimmerman Trial #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Rodney King & the LA Riots #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Tora Bora #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Last Temptation of Christ #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Strippers Vs Zombies #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Hannibal Lecter #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Custer’s Last Stand #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Auschwitz #RejectedLegoKits #TooSoon

LEGO Terrorist Training Camp #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Spanish Inquisition #RejectedLegoKits

LEGO Exxon Valdez! #RejectedLegoKits

There’s the rain and… wait… wait… ah, there they are: the sirens of fire trucks, police, and medics.


I’ll be lubricating all my mail from now on.

While trimming the trees I had so many bugs on me that I felt like one of those kids in a UNICEF commercial.

You know, all things considered, the Asiana Airline crash had a happy ending.