BWAHAHA: 5/24 – 5/30

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 5/24 – 5/30: The news hyped the shit out of the Camel Toe Meteor Shower: the shower that had never been to Earth before. I sat out in my yard for 45 minutes and all I saw was lightning bugs. So a big fuck you to the Universe.

I went and saw Maleficent Friday the 30th and I really enjoyed it (no spoilers here, I promise). Reading some of the criticisms online I can’t help but wonder what people thought they were getting? Did they think they were going to see an M Night Shyamalanadingdong movie? Were they expecting JJ Abrams? Michael Bay? It was a Disney movie and if you expected anything but a Disney movie then you should be doing a critique of yourself. This was a pure Disney movie through and through and it was done beautifully. It passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. The amazing part was the lack of clear and defined roles of good and evil, with characters being both and dealing with those internal struggles. Angelina Jolie nailed the role and was incredible. The movie is dark and has a lot of death in it (you never see the deaths happen: it’s insinuated or you see afterwards (think Dumbledore’s fall and then you see him on the ground but never see him hit the ground), but dark is not new for Disney. Was the movie Amazing? Of course not, it’s a Disney movie. Was it good? You betcha! One thing I can consistently count on is that if critics hate a movie, I know I’m going to like it and if they love a movie (or it’s nominated for Best Picture) then I know I’m probably going to hate it.

The scariest part of Maleficent was the teaser for the new Cinderella movie being released in 2015.


Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Never mind, lightning bug. Meteor! Fucking lightning bugs.

Ghost peppers in mac & cheese with hot sausage? Oh yeah… I’m on fire. But it’s a good spontaneous combustion.

My article “My First Threesome” was published in The Rocket Wrangler. TRW is where local comedians post their funny articles and fake news.


I was passing someone doing 10 under in the left lane and Colony 5’s song “Unaware” started playing. #AwesomeCoincidence


I really hate getting sick. More than I hate being sick. I’m not a fan of suspense.


“How was I supposed to know that everyone would call me out for wearing white?”


It suddenly dawned on Nicole why she was so cold.


And here we have someone who clearly wasn’t very good at Pitfall on the Atari 2600.


After tons of criticism from earlier teaser pics, the new TMNT movie has taken a new route to attract new fans.


Thanks evolution for evolving the virus that attacked me yesterday. And thanks for the immune system that kicked the virus’ ass last night!

Thoughts of fleeing were dashed upon discovering the only two fit officers on the force manning the DUI checkpoint.


Steve thought he had the most amazing hose in the universe.


Meanwhile… in the Libertarian utopia… (Wait, there’d be no roads in the Libertarian Utopia)


I fatwa in your general direction!


Fifteen minutes later I was arrested for beating the shit out of a cat.


I think I know where the nozzle goes… but does it take unleaded or diesel?


Who needs a high school diploma when you can work at a grocery store bakery?


No one was going to get free coffee as long as McDougal was on watch!


The spice rack in the Thai restaurant fell on top of me. I’m physically fine, but totally Thai dyed.

I have a guest at my front door. He’s not moving. #MexicanStandoff


The restaurant: hot. Candy store: hot. Theater: hot. My house: hot. Did all the A/C’s break down? I’m now looking for the Happy Toyz truck.


So Disney is remaking Cinderella (2015 release). I’m skeptically intrigued and ruefully mused.

So that’s how new My Little Ponies are made…


This week on Twitter (5/10 – 5/17)

This week on Twitter (5/10 – 5/17). Yeah, I know, it’s already July 24th, but I’ve got lots of catching up to do because I’m lazy as fuck but now and then get a bug up my ass to get my shit caught up.


Couldn’t light the candles because I don’t have a lighter in the house: ah, the joys of being a non-smoker now.


In the last 60 sec’s, Americans ate 27,000 hot dogs. Yep, dogs truly are man’s best friend.

Trending on Twitter now: “#HowToBlendInWithWhitePeople” – Somehow I don’t think that’s gonna be good for any color.


The new show “Ultimate Survivor: Alaska” is about not getting an STD, right?


So how is #AngelinaJolie supposed to film Salt II without her shakers?

Universal Studios has just announced that #AngelinaJolie will be starring in “Boob, Interrupted” followed by “Fuck Cancer!” #GoGirl

Taken 3: Bryan Mills on the phone with #AngelinaJolie ‘s breasts, “The next part is very important. They’re going to take you.”

#IfLilWaynesARapper then #AngelinaJolie is breastfeeding babies. #TooSoon

The Six-Fingered Man is participating in the #MarchAgainstMonsanto because Monsanto killed his father. Vicious cycle.


What irritates me most about the IRS scandal? It’s put Tea Party spokesidiots back on news shows. Thanks IRS.


I’m going to change my middle name to “TeaParty” so it takes the #IRS longer to realize I owe them money.