BWAHAHA 4/18 – 4/24

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 4/18 – 4/24: Just as I’m starting to feel better with the upper respiratory infection (which I still have three weeks later), I blow my back out doing trivial shit. Back problems are so weird. I can lift 30lb boxes all day and be just fine and then lean over to grab the garlic powder and be paralyzed for life. This blowout is really bad. It’s actually caused partial paralysis and the pain was (and is) excruciating. Going to the ER wasn’t going to do me any good sitting in those shitty plastic chairs for five hours just waiting for triage. So I opted to go see my regular doctor so I could get a referral to a neurologist. In the meantime, while waiting for that appointment to come around, I’ll just sit here in pain. Thanks American healthcare system! We’re #1! We’re #1! We’re #1!

I’m honored to now be part of the Tornado Wx Chasers team! Providing the public with severe weather alerts, information, and ground truth from chasers and spotters. ‪#‎ForeverChasing‬

OTHER STUFF:

• GF: Why do you always have to argue? Me: What are you talking about? I never argue.
• While my back blowout has caused me issues and excruciating pain, it solved two existing issues. Nerves are fickle.
• Luckily, I don’t listen to my doctor. My doc said, “Take as needed for pain.” I’d take one every minute and OD if I listened to my doctor!

CAPTION CENTRAL:

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  Nothing says the weekend like Pepsi and Anal Lube.

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  Switzerland reports that the few citizens who couldn’t read English all drowned yesterday.

BWAHAHA: 10/5 – 10/11

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/5 – 10/11: I spent this week mostly in jail. That reaction you just had? Yeah, that’s the one I love when people read when I say things like that and they don’t realize I work for jails and prisons. Good times. While I was at the jail, the local BB&T bank was robbed. When I posted about it, people asked me if I was playing Grand Theft Auto. Yeah… hard to tell between GTA5 and real life sometimes. #ThankYouJesusFor GTA5! I also spent Friday night in the ER with suspected acute Cholecystitis. It’s very painful shit (well, pre-shit, since it’s the gall bladder). No gall stones, so they think my gall bladder is simply not functioning. My ER doc, who is British, comes in and writes me a three week scrip of Percocet. So I say, “Three weeks? That’s an awful lot of Percocet.” He responds, “Well, you can’t call to make an appointment with the gastro surgeon until Tuesday, and he probably won’t be able to see you until two weeks out. So yeah, welcome to American healthcare.” He then adds, “In Britain, I would have a gastro surgeon in here already looking you over, but hey, at least you pay a lot for what you get!” Touche, my British doctor… touche!

10/5

I’ve been playing too much #GTA5… caught myself going 120 MPH on the freeway earlier. Oops.

10/8

My ex-girlfriend is half Mexican and half Irish. She’s culturally confused, so she drinks green Dos Equis.

If the Republican Congress died in a plane crash, I would shed a tear… for the plane.

I love it when the GOP compares Obama to Hitler, especially since Hitler would agree with the GOP on almost everything.

My toast always lands butter side up, but that’s because I butter both sides.

10/9

So #ThankYouJesusFor is trending on Twitter. My asshole genes are itching to get in on this action.

#ThankYouJesusFor killing all those kids in Iraq earlier this week. Keep shining that light of love you hippie!

#ThankYouJesusFor giving my friend cancer and then curing it (well, the doctors did that, but you get the credit anyway).

#ThankYouJesusFor saving my buddy from the tornado. But yeah, fuck the family across the street that it killed.

#ThankYouJesusFor keeping all those kids in Africa and India starving while my preacher eats well from tithes!

#ThankYouJesusFor starting the zombie craze! I love me some Zombiepocalypse!

#ThankYouJesusFor for teaching me to turn the other cheek: comes in handy during spankings.

#ThankYouJesusFor loving me unconditionally, well, except for that threat of hell thing.

#ThankYouJesusFor loving me, but you never call! So I’m having an affair with Hera.

#ThankYouJesusFor getting viruses on the Ark. We really appreciate that shit.

#ThankYouJesusFor all the blood on Via Dolorosa. You know, someone had to clean that mess up! Way to ruin someone’s day, you jerk!

#ThankYouJesusFor for cutting the tip of my penis off. Now I have a porn star penis!

#ThankYouJesusFor abstinence only sex ed. Now my chances of anal sex are greatly improved! #TechnicalVirgin

I’d like to start a donation drive to pay for a delivery of Pampers to the Republicans in DC.

10/10

Way too many women posting #ProteinForGirls on Twitter after they “work out.”

10/11

I find your lack of taste disturbing.

Being single is both awesome and horrible. Relationships attempt to find a compromise between those two extremes.