BWAHAHA 10/25 – 10/31:

BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 10/25 – 10/31: So this week, even though I’m behind a week (yes, I’ll catch up this weekend), I’ve decided to take a different approach with the #HashtagWars done by @midnight. First, I’m giving them their own section, separate from my other Tweets, posts, etc. Second, I’m only including ones that are 100% original. I do a search for my joke and if anyone else did it – it doesn’t make it on this page: even if I did it first. There are some low hanging fruit and obvious jokes with each #HashtagWars and we come up with the same stuff. It happens. But there are a few where I know someone copied mine and used it as their own, because I used an odd Syntax or put in a special character where it didn’t need to be. You know who you are and did you not know that Twitter has a search function that shows not only that you stole my joke but time stamps that shit as well? Douchebag.

OTHER STUFF:

New tag arrived today!

Need to plunder something. Yes, bartender, I’ll take a Me & Coke, please.

Enjoying some Captain and vape! #ForeverVaping

Best Buy just aired a Christmas commercial. In October. I am now no longer shopping at Best Buy.

On the road back to Pittsburgh. 12 hours of other drivers pissing me off.

Even when I’m on the road, the storms fizzle out before getting to me. Mother Nature hates me.

After numerous searches on the Internet, I have concluded that I have Ebola. The Internet is never wrong.

So when does Earth to Echo 2: Payback come out where Echo, with all his alien friends, takes revenge for the government shooting him down?

140 CHARACTER ASSASSINATION:

Who wants some roast? TAINTED MEAT!!! #TheWalkingDead

We had Swiss steak for dinner tonight. #TAINTEDMEAT #TheWalkingDead

Eating Bob gives #TheWalkingDead chocolate pudding a whole new meaning.

I have only a few Zombiepocalypse rules. No kids is one of them. Judith proves my point. #TheWalkingDead

All praise the red-handled machete! #TWD #TheWalkingDead

Uh-oh, did Daryl bring back some #TAINTEDMEAT to the church? #TheWalkingDead

#HashtagWars WITH @Midnight:

Lawrence of Catabia #CatMovies @midnight

The Abyssinian #CatMovies @midnight

Breakfast at Chantilly-Tiffany #CatMovies @midnight

The Godpawder #CatMovies @midnight

12 Angry Mice #CatMovies @midnight

The Usual Suspets #CatMovies @midnight

12 Years a Pet #CatMovies @midnight

The Himalayan Blues Brothers #CatMovies @midnight

When Hairy Met Alley #CatMovies @midnight

Hairballspray #CatMovies @midnight

Sarah Palin makes Vivid deal #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Michael Vick opens animal shelter #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Every Wives Tale is TRUE #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rapture happened: you missed it #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Rick & Daryl: gay love scene #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TWD

Zombies only eat Playboy Bunnies #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Cloverfield monster… was a baby #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Jason. #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Olympics being held in Liberia #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Condom broke… with a prostitute #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Technically, we’re all TAINTED MEAT! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #TheWalkingDead

EMP burst kills the Internet #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

They’re just friction burns. Honest! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Adam & Steve, not Adam & Eve! #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

What’s in the box? Microsoft-10 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Satan’s number is actually 404 #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Come again… How fast, officer? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

Yosemite seismic activity rapidly increasing #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight #NotReallyFunny

You don’t take credit cards? #ScaryStoriesIn5Words @midnight

CAPTION CENTRAL:

This would make more sense if the car were a Tiburon.

IHOP on Pop… IHOP on Car.

Cool story about a penis, but the real news: The James Bond Submersible Lotus is in a museum in Miami!!!!!!

This week on Twitter (7/27 – 8/2)

This week on Twitter (7/27 – 8/2)

7/27

When did Hardee’s become the fast food version of Cracker Barrel? Next thing you know… Hardees Funeral Home.

My sexting chat name is RU486.

Demand for apartments in Florida is so high that people will kill for them!

With so many shootings lately, maybe it’s time to bring bath salts back.

7/28

I always find it entertaining to see everyone in their Sunday best walking around in Kroger.

I like confusing church-goers on Sunday: I drive around in my ATHE1ST mobile while blaring Echoing Green on my radio.

Apparently the #GoldCupFinal is a tie between two girls.

7/30

If insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly with the same results, what does that say about the 40th vote to kill Obamacare?

7/31

#Smurfs2, wait, there was a Smurfs1? How did I not hear about what had to be the greatest film of the decade?

#Smurfs2, Smurfette finally meets Naughty Smurf: he totally smurfs that smurfing smurf.

8/2

I was feeling lonely, so I Googled pressure cookers, backpacks, nails, and explosives so the FBI would visit me.

Given Russia’s new anti-gay laws, I’m surprised they’re still hosting the Olympics: the gayest thing on the planet.

In Soviet Russia, stripper girlfriend is Zoya, the female agent who strip searches you.

1 in 5 women now choose to be childfree. That’s good news to single men on dating sites.

The Post Office wants to start delivering booze through the mail. That’ll raise the bar a bit!

Bars are dumping Stoli in the street to protest Russia. In other news, homeless people are lining the gutters.

The Smithsonian wants to display Trayvon’s hoodie. Probably in the Air & Space Museum to show off bullet aerodynamics.

Poll: Majority of Americans support “stand your ground.” In other news, majority of Americans are white.

Taiwanese lawmakers exchanged punches over a proposed nuclear power plant: showing US Republicans what an actual “nuclear option” is.

Genetic “Adam & Eve” identified. Still no word on the snake.

“Permission to cum aboard sir!” – best gay pickup line ever!

I say “bin Laden” in most of my phone conversations at least once: doing my part to keep jobs at the NSA.