BWAHAHA (Blair’s Week Attempts at Haha’s) 12/28 – 1/3: What can I say about the week of New Years? Well, fucking nothing. It was a mostly boring week topped off with a good party at a friend’s house where I got drunk, sang some punk songs, and didn’t get laid.
There’s the line at the women’s changing room… then there’s the huddle of bored men, waiting patiently (mostly). Remember how horrible this was before cell phones and apps? Man, those days sucked some serious ass! The Smart Phone was probably invented by a man sitting on a bench waiting for his girlfriend to finish shopping. It was always funny to see their faces when the woman handed them a garment over the door that didn’t fit and asked them to go get it in another size. It was a look of frustration, despair, being lost, fear, and one of a man who had given up all hope of ever getting his balls back. I go to the store: I spend 15 minutes inside, and I have two pairs of jeans, and several shirts. Done. Finished. Home playing PS3 or watching a movie in no time. No matter how many times I went to the store, my wife, girlfriend, whatever, would always say, “Back already?” They were surprised that I wasn’t gone for fuckall hours of the day just to get a single pair of fucking jeans!
I was going to watch TV, then realized everyone had their silly “year in review” on today. PS3 it is…
My list of the best things to happen in 2013:
My New Year’s resolution is to not have a New Year’s resolution.
If the Friend Zone worked like the End Zone, I’d hold the league record for most touchdowns in a season.
They couldn’t differentiate woo from science if woo slapped them in the face and said, “Hello, my name is Woo.”
“Don’t grab a tiger by its tail,” they say, so I grabbed a lion’s… and brought an airhorn for good measure….
Sometimes you just have to accept the friends you have.
“Pass the fucking mustard!” vs “Pardon me sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon?” #AmericansvsBritish
Any “article” that starts with a number and has a hyperbolic adjective in it, is an “article” I automatically skip over. Oh go fuck yourselves and your lazy “journalism.” I almost said, “8 Inspiring Reasons I Don’t Read Listed Hyperbolic Articles.” Examples:
“7 Horrifying Things About Chicken Meat”
“14 Outlandish Things We Learned From Benghazi”
“12 Stylish Reasons Gay Families Are Cuter Than Straight Families”
Today for breakfast I made a Star of David out of bacon.
I see the Allies are still bombing Germany.
After I’m done masturbating, my hand wants to cuddle, but I just ignore it and roll over and go to sleep.
Apparently, when your hand falls asleep it’s called “The Stranger.” I think it should be called, “It’s Taking Too Long To Masturbate.”