This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

This week on Twitter (6/22 – 6/28)

6/22

Lesson learned from #WWZ: don’t call someone when they’re in a hostile environment. You get people killed.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: it’s not the meek, but the weak who shall inherit the Earth. Go figure. Intriguing plot twist!

Lesson learned from #WWZ: be berry berry quiet… I’m hunting wabbits.

Lesson learned from #WWZ: the “Tenth Man” is a fucking brilliant strategy. I wonder if it really exists?

Lesson learned from #WWZ: there’s a silver lining to having AIDS. Whoulda thunk it.

6/23

So #Snowden is going to Moscow? Should be interesting since the Russian Orthodox Church is the new #KGB.

6/24

Congratulations #JimCarrey on getting all this publicity for #KickAss2. Genius marketing!

Nobody watched #KickAss and said, “I’ll shoot up a school.” Lots watched and said, “I’ll shoot photos at #ComiCon”

Want someone to stop harassing you on a dating site? Tell them, “I have AIDS.” #LiesThatAlwaysWork

6/25

Wouldn’t it be ironic if #Snowden was the cause of #WWIII?

6/26

Weird that gay blacks have a better chance of getting married than voting now. #BipolarSCOTUS

Now that #Prop8 is officially dead, can we get back to random butt sex parties in preacher’s houses?

DOMA down! Prop 8 dead! I see two rainbows!!! What does it mean? What does it mean?

To celebrate the death of #DOMA, I’m taking a cruise and getting a rentboy.com man to carry my bags for me! #GeorgeRekkers

DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA, DOMA Chameleon, you come and go… you come and go….

“Baseball, baseball, he thinks he’s gonna score. If you go all the way, then you are a whore.” – Ancient Mayan Proverb

#Snowden looks at the Departing Flights panel and see, “Life Airlines: DELAYED.” What an idiot!

Killing a Snow Harpie with a meteor was overkill, sure, but it looked fucking awesome!

Some of y’all need to seriously check your First World Privilege!

#AaronHernandez is being penalized for intentionally grounding his friend.

#AaronHernandez will be playing Tight End on the prison football team.

#AaronHernandez got his friend in the Red Zone!

With aim like that, why isn’t #AaronHernandez the QB?

Police were tipped off about #AaronHernandez when he stood on his porch yelling, “GOOOAAALLL!”

There’s a flag on the play! Referee, “Personal Foul, number 81, unnecessary roughness.”

#AaronHernandez thought NFL stood for No Friends Living.

#AaronHernandez ‘s troubles all started with Rumors.

6/27

The headline I wanted to see today: “Conservatives React to DOMA Ruling by Finally Coming Out of the Closet.”

I can’t tell if the “expandable garden hose” spam I’m getting is about my penis or an actual garden hose.

I’m going to make a new E-cig juice called DOMA: it’ll be a combination of fruits and nuts. Oh wait…

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21)

This week on Twitter (6/15 – 6/21): Only one more month to go to get caught up! Woohoo!

6/15

Holy shit! Superman is an alien?!?!?! Yeah, we knew that, but Nolan made sure we fucking knew it!

#ItsNotAPartyWithout an ambulance showing up.

Sitting here pondering the irony of #TeamRape raping themselves politically.

6/16

Father’s Day always make me wonder how many children I have running around Europe.

Without the drug war, “COPS” would be five minutes of trailer park wife-beating and only air once a month.

Got excited when I saw “Top Hooker” on the TV Guide, only to be disappointed to find out it’s a fishing show.

6/17

To make sure I got it: Our education is not educational enough for the education of or educational sexist needs? #MissUtah What’d I miss?

6/19

Uh-oh, Obama took his jacket off, that means his American Flag isn’t visible anymore to those socialist Europeans.

James Gandolfini, he sleeps with the fishes.

You come to me, on my daughter’s wedding day, to tell me that James Gandolfini has died! No respect!

James Gandolfini has gone on to Where the Wild Things Are.

I heard that Jimmy Hoffa died today. Is that true?

6/21

Cooker, please! #PaulaDeen will be just fine, after all she’s really famous in The South.

A #Teabagger emails me asking how they can be racist if they have black supporters. Translation: I’m not racist, I have black friends!

#TalibanHitSongs Stone Dead Forever (by Motorhead)

#TalibanHitSongs Killing Stone (Hootie & the Blowfish)

#TalibanHitSongs Eyes Without a Face (Billy Idol)

#TalibanHitSongs Have You ever Seen Her Face (Byrds)

#TalibanHitSongs Women’s Prison (Loretta Lynn)

#TalibanHitSongs Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down (Robert Plant)

A #JodiArias TV Movie? Didn’t we see enough of that loony bin on the 24/7 TV Show called CNN?

Zimmerman Jury: 5 white and 1 Hispanic or African-American… because they can’t say 5 white and 1 brown.

Breaking News: Jesus & the KKK forgive #PaulaDeen.

I guess I need to stop talking about being single on FB. Every ad is women looking for fat, bald, and old men.

It’s okay that #PaulaDeen said the N-word, because she followed it with, “Bless his heart.”

#PaulaDeen’s best recipe was her recipe for disaster.

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

This week on Twitter (6/8 – 6/14)

6/8

I must be going through MANopause: the Chamber of Secrets just made me tear up.

How come on the 40+ dating site I get returns for 20-year-olds? Talk about false advertising! Or did I join daddyissues.com?

6/9

99% of emails I get are Spam. Sure wish someone would email me a steak or two.

#SongsThatNeverGetOld – “Forever Young”

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you weren’t duct-taped.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you shop at Dollar General instead of Family Dollar.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you think WalMart is cheap.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you’ve never eaten Ramen noodles for over a week.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you don’t understand the Hispanic hierarchy.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf the intersection of 2nd & Main hasn’t appealed to you a couple of times.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf prostitution wasn’t an option at your school’s career day.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf you never went to Communion just because you were hungry.

#YouDontKnowTheStruggleIf if talk about White Privilege didn’t make you realize how hungry you were for a cracker.

I’m convinced half the world’s recipes were created by poor people figuring how to match the crap in their cupboards.

It’s sunny and thundering. Hmm… guess I better check on the alien invasion.

Losing your friend to a cyclops knocking him off a cliff is bad enough, but losing all the supplies in his backpack is even worse.

6/10

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Still Left of the Right”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Once You Go Barrack, You Never Go Back.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Drones: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “Putting the Republican Back In Goldwater Republican.”

#NewObamaAdministrationMotto “At Least We’re Not the Rape Caucus.”

You can’t be mad at me for running into you if you materialize right in front of me. Stupid ghosts!

6/13

A Republican said something offensive about rape and women? That’s absurd, Republicans don’t do that! ;)

SCOTUS rules no patent of human genes. So much for that Biggus Dickus gene I was working on.

I aim to please… but sometimes I miss and get it on the tits.

6/14

Sitting here naked, covered in blood & tapioca, thinking, “It’s only 10:30? Now what am I supposed to do for another six and a half hours?”

This week on Twitter (6/1 – 6/7)

This week on Twitter (6/1 – 6/7)

6/2

My shrink explained my bipolar(ism), “One week you’re Keanu Reeves and the next, Gary Busey.” Point. Break.

Two birds few into my ride-on blades. One is a freak accident. Two.. that’s terrorism. Going to war with Birdistan.

6/3

Dear Turkey, please don’t let your issues interfere with my shipment of Turkish Delights. Thanks!

My girlfriend and I have a homophobic relationship: we’re afraid to do it homo sapiens style.

6/4

So glad white people are playing Indians again. Now we just gotta go back to Black Face. #LoneRangerMovie

I tried the Hip Hop Workout, but my hips just jiggled and wouldn’t hop. Oh well… back to Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

6/5

Just created a diet called Lift Off Radical Diet: the catch phrase is, “The L.O.R.D. is my strength.”

Most things we eat with a fork are easier to eat with a spoon. We don’t do it because it looks, I dunno, European.

6/7

Meat is supposed to cause SBD’s. I’ve got the D, however my B is definitely not S.

#GEICOcommercial “And how happy are they Jimmy?” “Happier than Ted Haggard in a massage parlor.”

Slut-shaming makes no sense. Shouldn’t we be slut-encouraging?

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31)

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31): Only two more months to go to get caught up! You know you love it!

5/26

It’s Sunday on the mountain, which means we’re playing Tim Minchin at a high volume for all the camping believers.

For all the misbehaved children in the world, there are not enough machete-wielding Muslims.

5/27

Either that’s a bird call I’ve never heard or someone is fucking in their tent.

On this Memorial Day, find a vet and have consensual sex with them. You may just prevent a suicide. Did I mention I’m a Navy vet?

I feel human again. But I still wouldn’t recommend feeding me through the bars.

The great thing about being bipolar is convincing women they’re dating twins.

Only half of me is offended at bipolar jokes. My other half doesn’t know he’s bipolar.

5/28

Now that we can send weapons to Syria, I nominate Chuck Norris.

5/29

Conservatives will miss Marcus Bachmann: he gave ’em permission to pretend to be straight.

5/30

Shakespeare is #BadShakespeare.

#TypesOfRelationships : agoraphobic, where you’re afraid to pull out.