This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31)

This week on Twitter (5/25 – 5/31): Only two more months to go to get caught up! You know you love it!

5/26

It’s Sunday on the mountain, which means we’re playing Tim Minchin at a high volume for all the camping believers.

For all the misbehaved children in the world, there are not enough machete-wielding Muslims.

5/27

Either that’s a bird call I’ve never heard or someone is fucking in their tent.

On this Memorial Day, find a vet and have consensual sex with them. You may just prevent a suicide. Did I mention I’m a Navy vet?

I feel human again. But I still wouldn’t recommend feeding me through the bars.

The great thing about being bipolar is convincing women they’re dating twins.

Only half of me is offended at bipolar jokes. My other half doesn’t know he’s bipolar.

5/28

Now that we can send weapons to Syria, I nominate Chuck Norris.

5/29

Conservatives will miss Marcus Bachmann: he gave ’em permission to pretend to be straight.

5/30

Shakespeare is #BadShakespeare.

#TypesOfRelationships : agoraphobic, where you’re afraid to pull out.

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