This week on Twitter (3/1 – 3/8)

This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 3/1 to 3/8 (posted in order of Tweets). I was uber busy with work and didn’t get as much shit done on Twitter this week.

3/1

So that Republicans have one person to point at to prove themselves right, I’m going to CHOOSE to be homeless this year.

Sad Dr. Seuss occurred on 3/1 as well.

3/2

I fixed my Internet. Don’t know how. But it’s working. Therefore, I fixed it.

I shall resist the temptation to play with the #BadChildrensBooks on Twitter.

3/3

Pickers, homeless & scavengers: I get you digging through my trash, but have the courtesy to FUCKING CLEAN UP THE MESS YOU MAKE!

3/4

Only two people make Rick look sane: #LoneWolf and #TheGovernor. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingdead

Ellen Ripley, she’ll rock the Zombiepocalypse. #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry

Claire Standish, Andie Walsh, Samantha Baker, & Frannie Goldsmith #FictionalCharactersIWantToMarry #StuckInThe80s

3/6

Hugo Chavez dead: Venezuelan news agencies have no idea what to say now.

Hugo Chavez dead: United States finally admits to secret cancer drones.

Hugo Chavez dead: Israeli official apologizes, “We thought he was an ex-Nazi in disguise.”

Hugo Chavez dead: Russian KGB apologizes, “Sorry, we meant to poison that other guy in the hospital.”

Hugo Chavez dead: Two witnesses swear they saw him leaving the building with Elvis.

Hugo Chavez dead: Dick Cheney insists they’re hiding WMD’s in his body.

Hugo Chavez dead: Kathryn Bigelow says she was disappointed to find out SEAL Team Six didn’t kill him, stopping her movie plans.

Hugo Chavez dead: Donald Trump demands long form death certificate.
Expand

Hugo Chavez dead: Sarah Palin says she can see his corpse from her back yard. And she read it in a bunch of magazines and newspapers.

Hugo Chavez dead: Bane upset as he did not give Hugo permission to die.

Hugo Chavez dead: Still getting laid more than Aquaman.

It’s sinkhole season in Florida! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Rabbit Season! Sinkhole Season! Duck Season! BLAM!

3/7

North Korea threatens US with nuclear strike: Okay fine, but can we pick the target?

3/8

I was going to do a Michael Jackson impersonation, but I couldn’t get any kids to volunteer.

Mental Gymnastics should be an Olympic sport.

 

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