This week’s attempt to be funny on Twitter from 2/15 to 2/22 (posted in order of Tweets).
2/15
Steve Buscemi seen tied to #RussianMeteor. Unknown if he survived the explosion.
Slim Pickens finally made it to Russia only to explode in the air. #RussianMeteor
Whoever said “Sex is not a spectator sport” clearly never saw the the #SportsFilms ‘Debbie Does the Dallas Cowboys.’
Her vagina belongs in the NFL Hall of Fame for most balls caught in a single period. #oneofmyexes
2/16
Just submitted my application to @capefearcomedy. Hey, at least I didn’t wait until the actual last minute! #CapeFearComedyFestival
Half-assed hand job. #WaysToMakeMeMad
Engine fires, non-working toilets, onion sandwiches, shit-covered hallways, 3mph tow… #WaysToMakeMeMad
Jesus loves me… but never calls. #WaysToMakeMeMad
Twitter says I should follow LeBron James and Kelly Clarkson. Who the fuck are those people? #StupidTwitter
@Stefanelli I enjoyed both dog and cat while overseas. Cat can be gamy or sweet… just like real pussy.
Masturbating into the Mayonaise. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping
Telling Steven Seagal that I was #UnderSiege from shitty movies. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping
Telling Lou Ferrigno that he was yellow-bellied. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping
Saying at the Feminist Convention, “Wow, you chicks are hot!” #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping
Telling my g/f that her vagina looks like roast beef covered in gravy. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping
Ordering tacos al cabron at the Mexican restaurant instead of tacos al carbon. #ReasonsWhyIGotAWhooping
#ArianaTo5Million trending: I thought it was the new HuffPo Bukkake porn… disappointed it’s just some stupid singer with a nerd boyfriend.
I ordered a #HarlemShake. They gave me a Shamrock Shake. Racist McDonald’s.
2/17
One drawback to having sex with Democratic women… I feel like I just fucked the lesser of two evils.
Based on what I’m seeing God has a serious dandruff problem
2/18
I accidentally ejaculated into your sister. #WaysToRuinARelationship
“At least you’re skinnier than Gilbert Grape’s mother!” #WaysToRuinARelationship
“Oh, I forgot to tell you last night before we had sex, I have gonoherpesyphilaids.” #WaysToRuinARelationship
Why are people still posting on Facebook and Twitter? #TheWalkingDead is on! #necrophilia
Seeing ghosts doesn’t make you a #VisionaryLeader, it makes you #SylviaBrown. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead
Need the #LAPD to help a #VisionaryLeader randomly kill people, I mean zombies. @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead
#VisionaryLeader gets all the inmates killed to make the group safer. #skillz @WalkingDead_AMC @AMCTalkingDead
#MindyMcReady dead… just play her song backwards and she’ll come back to life!
#IWishICouldMeet Belinda Carlisle. I make sure all women in my life know she’s a free pass. :)
If you were any more offended I could pull a giant crucifix out of your ass. #ReasonsIUnfollowedYou
2/20
Van Horn & Sawtell: the inventors of K-Y #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor
Lorena Bobbit: for reminding me how much I appreciate my penis. #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor
Kim Kardashian: for reminding me that some day my sex tape might make me famous. #MentionSomeoneYoureThankfulFor
How We Ruined Education and Got Liberals to Take the Blame #GOPFILMS
Rapeasaurus Vaginalprobius 2: Attack of the Nigerian Muslims #GOPFILMS
Body found in water tank of L.A. hotel… that explains the meaty taste of the tap water.
I find the food in Kansas City, MO to be a little overcooked. #TooSoon
I’m very selective; I only hit black kids on a plane if they are from Abeche, Chad. The rest of the black kids have no need to fear me.
Super Mega Pod of dolphins? Well, that might explain why I keep hearing voices in my head saying, “Thanks for all the fish.”
GAO finally recognizes climate change as a “financial risk.” Yeah, fuck the planet and people, it’s the cost of cleanup that gets attention.
Univ. of Southern Miss still in shock over tens of millions in damage: vow to never play the Worcester Tornadoes ever again.
I-10 shut down for 12 hours in Phoenix after white creamer spill. Citizens relaxed after learning it wasn’t Mexican creamer. #PapersPlease
Deposited $8,062 in my account. Wrote a check for $7,950 twenty minutes later. Well, that was short-lived. LOL
Christian video games. #2ThingsThatDontMix
Finally hooking the PS3 to HD and saying, “Holy fuck, that character has shoe laces!” #PlaystationMemories
Went to buy a sweater and was told they’ve stocked spring selections. I pointed outside to the falling snow. Stupid store.
Wow, that Kansas City dry rub is explosively spicey! #TooSoon
2/21
Way too many drunks on the road for a Wednesday. Clearly not enough people are humping.
Women’s Drug Advocacy Group called for $$. Why is there a group advocating drugs for women? I guess Vaginas for Vioxx was already taken.
Joining Students Against Drunk Driving for the girls. #HighSchoolMemories
I just ordered Vanilla Ice juice for my e-cig. A brand new invention. Grabs a hold of me tightly. Flows like a harpoon daily and nightly.
2/22
Songs by #JustinBieber remind me how pathetic most humans are. #SongsThatMakeMeCry
I hate it when my cell phone is dead because I have no entertainment while taking a poo.
http://WhitePeopleMeet.com just redirects to http://kkk.org
Post-stroke Dick Clark on TV. #TheMostAnnoyingThingsInLife #HeDeadNow
Is it bad that I want to bang The Bangles, go on the Go-Go’s, and put bananas in Bananarama?
Blair Scott: Synthentral 